40-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR and AUTHOR: Michelle Johnson Part 1

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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.

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I'm your host, ingrid.

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I have mentioned before that one of my favorite silver linings of domestic violence is hearing how survivors pull themselves up and, in their strength, also choose to pull others up with them.

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Today's guest is doing just that.

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She has chronicled her devastating experience with domestic violence in her upcoming book Beauty and the Beast Within.

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We had a lot to talk about, so I'm breaking our conversation into two episodes.

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Here's part one with survivor author and illustrator Michelle Johnson.

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I just want to say hello.

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I am also a domestic violence survivor and this is about my story.

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Do you want to give just like a quick background?

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You did say you're a domestic violence survivor, but you wrote a book.

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Yes, I did, and that's part of the reason you're joining today and I've actually dedicated the book to my abuser because literally without him it wouldn't be possible Like there are so many tragic things that happen to so many people, but they really do make for a good story if you think about it.

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Because some of the details you can't make up.

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That, yes, and I also didn't realize since doing this.

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There have been so many women that have been abused.

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It's a lot, a lot more than you see, or even probably the statistics even show.

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I don't know.

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I agree with you.

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I don't think the statistics are accurate.

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I know for me personally.

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I never reported anything, so even my story doesn't get counted in statistics.

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So it's worse than it's already bad enough with what we know, and it's worse when you think about all the things that have not been reported.

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Had I been the same person.

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I am now in that situation.

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I feel like I would have lived a long time ago.

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In the heat of it and you're in the middle of it.

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There are so many reasons on why you're still there.

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When they say that a person goes back, you do and I can't say.

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I'm not trying to justify going back, but I'm just saying I went back because I literally felt like I've never done any hard drugs but it felt like a drug withdrawal being away, Like I felt like I had to be with him, I needed him.

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I knew I didn't mentally, but physically, emotionally, I felt like I had to be with him, even though he was being horrible to me.

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It's that trauma bonds right.

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Yes, and it is, and it's so true, and it's so strong.

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I don't want you to give away all the details that you put in your book, but do you want to talk a little bit about what happened and what made you want to write the book?

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Sure.

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Well, what made me want to write it is because the things that happened in it, like it really did feel like a movie.

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Like, imagine yourself in the middle of literally the wood.

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You're in your pajamas, barefoot, it's wintertime and this guy's really pushing you down in the woods and you're stumbling, he's snatchingatching you up like that is something you would see in, like a scary movie, you know.

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And he's got a gun in his hand, a double barrel shotgun, and you're all you're thinking is, um, hopefully my body will be found.

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Like you're not thinking any more about leaving, you're not thinking any more about this.

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I'm gonna make it.

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Only thing in my head was thinking that's awful.

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It was.

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It was very scary.

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And I'm guessing that's not how it started.

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Did things sort of escalate to get to that point?

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They did.

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Because the crazy part is thinking back about it.

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I was little for seven years and I don't really know.

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I can't remember when the abuse started, but I do remember the little bitty signs.

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It all started out for little stuff and then it started with other females always being around and I know one time this female tried to get in his car when I was in the front seat of it.

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She looked at me and I looked at her.

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We both looked confused.

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I'm like he literally had just got that car.

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So I'm like, how do you know?

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He ain't even there.

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I just found out about the card.

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So that's kind of what started it, because I guess he was still talking to his exes and I would be trying to leave so and then he said, if I can have you, no one will?

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He meant that he really did mean it.

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And you were together for seven years.

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You said yes, we were, we were almost married, we were planning a marriage.

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My uncle was trying to be the ordained minister.

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He was trying to minister us like he was our therapist and everything.

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But I mean nobody, really nobody knew.

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I didn't you know.

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I kind of kept it a secret.

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Did you confide in anybody ever?

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I?

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didn't really have to confide in her.

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She just knew me well enough to know something was wrong.

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That's how she knew, because when he had took me to the woods and pointed that gun in my face, it was actually about her, because he didn't want me to be friends with her anymore.

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Had she said something to him, or did he just know she knew?

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If she did, I don't know, because she was the kind of person that if somebody messed with her friend, she gonna she gonna try to do what she can to protect them, cause she actually is the reason why my mom came to the hospital, because he had me call her in the woods and tell her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore because my relationship with him was more important.

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Like that was what he wanted, that was what made him not pull that trigger when he had me on that ground, cause I asked him what do you want, what do you want me to do?

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And that's what he said.

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Oh my gosh, so you're.

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So you're in the woods with a shotgun pointed at you, talking to your friends.

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And I'm on my knees with my hands behind my head, executioner style, in the middle of the woods and his family lives in like Royal Arkansas and there's like, if you've ever been there, it's like natural forest, like there was like panthers and stuff out there, because we stayed in a cabin on his property and you could literally hear them.

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You know they sound like a woman screaming.

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You could hear them at night because, like I said, it was just forest and woods.

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People would go hunting back there and everything.

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So if you started screaming, nobody would think anything of it.

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His mom heard the gunshot and all she did was ask him, because we went back to her house afterwards and then she asked him was that him in the woods firing the gun?

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Because he shot the gun beside me to make sure I knew that it was loaded and he hit the tree.

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So I already knew it was loaded because I've seen him loading it.

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But he wants me to make sure that you know that he he was not afraid to do that and all his mom said was that you in the woods with the gun.

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She was like oh okay, I'm sitting there thinking with you.

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I wanted to try to go see why your son is.

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You know it's like three, four, five o'clock in the morning.

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So how did you get from the woods back into the house?

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Did he just say, let's go?

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No.

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As he hit the gun to my head, he asked me.

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He said, yeah, I was like what do we want?

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And he was like I want you to do this if you want me not to kill you.

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And I'm like, well, what do you want?

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And he was like I want you to stop being friends with her, I want you to stop being friends with her.

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At that point I was willing to anything and everything anyway.

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So I was like that's fine, okay, I'll do it.

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He had me call her Once.

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I called her and told her that he felt better.

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He had me go to his mom's house.

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We were laying down in bed and then I kept falling asleep.

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But I kept waking up because he had choked me so much I couldn't swallow my spit.

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So I was sat there laying in bed and I'm like, if you don't take me to the ER, I don't think I'm gonna wake up.

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And he was like well, what are you gonna tell them?

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I'm like I don't care what is told to them, I just know if I lay here, I'm gonna choke on my own spit.

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At that time I didn't even know my face looked the way it did, or anything.

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I didn't because, you know I hadn't seen myself.

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I just knew I was, I was, my anxiety was on 10.

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My adrenaline probably was on 100.

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And I just knew that I needed to get emergency attention.

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I didn't know how I looked until we were at the gas station.

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His mom was getting gas.

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I was in the front seat.

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I see my reflection and I'm kind of like is that me?

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And then when his mom got to the hospital, his mom looked at me and she said I didn't even realize your face looked like that.

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My face was so swollen.

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My mom seen it.

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She didn't even she.

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All she did was look at me.

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Her jaw was dropped and she ran out looking for him.

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He made his mom stay with him, stay with me.

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He had my phone, he had my keys, he had my vehicle.

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I had nothing.

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I was there in pajamas, in a jacket, barefoot, in the hospital.

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His mom is sitting there playing the game on her phone like she's like my.

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I felt like she was my prison warden so she's just acting chill like nothing is weird yes, when she looked at me and said oh, I didn't even realize your face was like that, like it, kind of like.

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I looked at her like how could you say that to somebody like my face like the pictures are in my book as well of how my face looks like I couldn't.

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I was on a liquid diet.

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I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink.

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All the medicines was liquid because I couldn't smoke.

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He had strangled me so much.

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He strangled me so much I actually urinated on myself.

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I couldn't fight anymore.

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Every part of my body was heavy.

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I felt like I was underwater and I was just being squished and everything went dark.

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I actually woke up and my dad had passed away and I seen my dad.

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I heard footsteps, I seen a door open.

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It was my dad and he said it wasn't my time yet.

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And then when I woke up, I was hogtied.

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My hands and feet were hogtied behind my back with an extension cord and I was just.

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I just woke up like because I mean, I literally was just knocked out.

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You know, because I, just because you really do urine at yourself when you pass.

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I really had a death experience and it's crazy.

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Do you know?

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Did he ever?

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Did he have a history of abuse that you know of with previous partners?

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That part.

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No one there was kind of here I can't say there was one, because a lot of the people that he dated I think they were into that kind of thing, like when I say this guy is so strong like he literally could pick up the front end of a four-wheeler with one hand and lift it over his head and he was in boxing, like he probably should have been like one of those people that if you hit somebody you're automatically in jail.

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Because when I he was strong, this dude was like intense strength, like freaking super geriatric strength, like he was strong.

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Yeah, I just I feel like for his mom to just act so calm that she had to have somehow been exposed to that or just known that he was capable of that kind of thing, because I can't imagine anyone just being mom or not a mom or whatever, a relative or friend or anything.

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I can't imagine anyone just sitting there just playing on their phone while, like your face, looks unrecognizable.

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And it was my face, my neck bruises wasn't the word.

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I was bruised up from head to toe.

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I had marks on my neck from his machete.

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There have been a few times that had I not listened to whatever intuition told me to do, he would have killed me, because one time he had a steak knife to my throat and we were fighting.

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And once again it was a fight over my friend, because I think a lot of it because he knew she was going to protect me and I guess he felt that maybe I was closer to her than him.

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I'm not really sure what kind of jealousy he had with that, but he had a steak knife to my throat and something told me to put my hands under the knife and the moment I did he actually cut.

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If I would have kept my hand, if I would not have put my hands under the knife, he would have cut my throat, because I had to this day to understand how I was so calm.

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Now, did the hospital staff on any of those times?

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Did they ask you, or did they pull you aside and talk to you privately and ask you what's going on?

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When I got my face beat up they did, but I worked at that hospital as well, so they actually did was like hold up, because his mom was there and they actually got her out and everything because he was having her watch me.

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But when they left, he left and he took all my vehicle and everything with him.

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So I didn't have anything.

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He took it all with him.

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When he left, like my friend was trying to get my vehicle back but he took the battery out and he told her if she, if they, we wanted my truck, he, I was gonna have to come and talk to her, talk to him.

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He pointed a gun at her and everything, but she wasn't afraid because plenty of times like she's had to rescue me from him.

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He's even chased us in a car before.

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We're like driving, flying through town in a high speed chase and he's chasing us?

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Yes, that's awful.

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Do you have all of that in your book?

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Yes, Even the parts where he drugged me and I was.

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Some random people heard us fighting in the street and he had the double barrel shotgun.

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I don't even know how he was able to carry this in his vehicle because he literally kept it in his car Like I don't know.

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I remember being in High Springs off somewhere and these people house was kind of up and I guess these men heard us fighting.

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So they came down and they see him hurting me because he had my hair in a panty to pity me.

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And these guys came and they like started wiggling on him and they told me to run up the hill to their house.

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And I'm just like, yes, I'm like I feel like I was running in slow motion, like I couldn't get away fast enough, like I didn't even know these people.

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I don't even.

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It was two gentlemen, I just know I ran to their house and then my friend found us and they told her where I was and she came and got me and then when we left he started chasing us trying to get her to wreck her vehicle.

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One time he had poured gasoline.

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He stripped all my clothes off, he poured all my things in a pile, poured gasoline on everything and me when he went to go find something to light it.

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I didn't care that I was naked.

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We lived in a trailer park.

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I ran out that door and before my foot could hit that step on the ground to be gone.

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All I remember is being it's like I was clothesline when he just snatched me up and I just came right back in the house.

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Like I can remember, my foot almost hit it.

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I was almost free.

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I didn't care, I was naked, I was going to go.

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I was going to run streaking wherever, whoever come at me, I did not care.

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Let's talk about a few things like how we started talking about how you look back and you're like why did I stay Other than the trauma bond?

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Was there anything that kept you?

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Because I know sometimes there's financial reasons that people stay, or just they have nowhere to go or fearful that their abuser is going to find them.

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Was there anything specific other than that that trauma bond that kept pulling you back?

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I was very afraid.

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He used to tell me that you know cause he did have connections that knew how to hack computers and stuff.

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You know cause?

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I've seen it and he was talking about you know they know how to cap cameras.

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He always told me that they would find me and he would come after me.

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He always told me he would go after my family, like he always told me that he told me he would go after my family.

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He always told me that.

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He told me that so much.

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You can't help, but believe it when you hear it all the time If you leave me, I'm going to find you, I will find you.

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He always said if I left him, it'll be a war.

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He always said that If you leave, it's going to be a war.

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So I just looked at these statistics just for my knowledge and then for a friend as well.

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When you are and I want whoever's listening to pay attention to these two I think I've mentioned it before but when you're strangled by your partner, you your.

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Your risk of dying by that partner with use of a gun increases by 750% within one year.

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Like the article I read, they said the quote that stuck out was when a man and usually it's men strangling women.

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I'm sure there's probably an instance of a woman strangling men, but when you look at it, men are physically built to be bigger and dominant to women, and so usually it's a man strangling a woman that when he puts his hands around her neck he's declaring I'm a killer because at statistically he will kill someone within, like I guess, his lifetime.

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Wow, I pray that he hasn't, though, but if he has, I hope he under the jail, because maybe whoever because I mean and it's crazy though, because like he was an Adonis to me, like I thought he was so perfect, like he was.

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He was mixed, so he had that caramel skin, he had a perfect smile, he worked out, he was built, he had muscles.

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I'm like I'm thinking I'm winning.

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Like my everybody wanted to meet him.

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My uncle met him.

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My uncle was trying to puff up his chest because he was so built, so I guess he was kind of intimidating, you know, and I just thought I'm just thinking, oh my God, I found the best person.

00:16:51.520 --> 00:16:55.028
My family liked him, my grandpa liked him.

00:16:55.028 --> 00:16:58.057
It was just crazy in how perfect we all thought he was.

00:17:00.765 --> 00:17:02.169
Well, and that's what they do is.

00:17:02.169 --> 00:17:04.215
It's that love bombing thing that they do.

00:17:04.215 --> 00:17:08.505
They, they actually put on this persona of this most perfect person.

00:17:08.505 --> 00:17:34.558
So then you get pulled in and they I don't know if he did, but they can lavish you with with compliments and they just you feel like the most important person in the world they put you on this pedestal, and I think they purposely put you on a pedestal so that when they knock that down, you crash down hard and then it's almost like you have no idea what happens to you or to the two of you as a couple.

00:17:34.558 --> 00:17:37.334
You're just completely taken aback by all of it.

00:17:38.705 --> 00:18:02.268
You're absolutely right, because I'm just like even to this day it's mind blowing, like I'm pretty sure there was so many red flags and I just I think I was just more enamored at him you know what I'm saying because I just felt like he was just so perfect to me, like you know, because I like the muscular and the perfect skin, and he had the great smile and he was smart and he was fun and funny.

00:18:02.268 --> 00:18:02.563
And I'm like yay and then no.

00:18:02.563 --> 00:18:06.739
And he had the great smile and he was smart and he was fun and funny, and I'm like yay and then no.

00:18:08.286 --> 00:18:16.355
Well, I think they're really good also at finding out what is important to you, what you like, and they become that person for you too.

00:18:16.355 --> 00:18:21.898
I mean, obviously, if he was built and he is just naturally good looking, you can't necessarily change that for you.

00:18:21.898 --> 00:18:31.118
But knowing what characteristics to play up to just kind of pull you in even more is I think that's all part of their, their game.

00:18:31.118 --> 00:18:42.192
But this person that you build up in your head, that's not the real person, that's the, that's just the show, and I think that's part of it.

00:18:42.192 --> 00:18:53.888
That makes it so hard to leave too is because in your mind you have the potential of what could be and you just want to hold on to that, or even what was, and you want to get back to that.

00:18:55.372 --> 00:19:00.892
I did Cause, like I said, I thought he was so perfect, he was so sweet and kind and he said the sweet things.

00:19:00.892 --> 00:19:14.076
And the craziest part is, like I met him through a job, because I was, I'm a CNA and actually was his grandfather's caretaker and like I think the first few times I was supposed to go see his grandfather I canceled I don't know why, but I did.

00:19:14.076 --> 00:19:25.979
And the day I went to see him I actually had wished I would have canceled because I didn't want to go and I kind of wished I would have listened to my intuition and my body at that time and trying to think okay, why do I feel this way about where I'm going?

00:19:25.979 --> 00:19:30.172
Instead of just thinking that I just didn't feel like working, I'm like I already feel like working.

00:19:32.125 --> 00:19:35.957
I think after you've been through this, you start to pay attention more to your intuition.

00:19:35.957 --> 00:19:42.958
You realize your body or your brain or something was telling you that to do something different.

00:19:42.958 --> 00:19:49.535
It's just you didn't know then to listen to it, or even what was trying to be told to you, I think.

00:19:50.438 --> 00:19:50.940
You're right.

00:19:50.940 --> 00:19:54.777
I wish I would have, because several times I've seen stuff that I put my eyebrow up.

00:19:54.777 --> 00:19:59.772
I know one, like when me and him were dating, just started dating, I know he would always kiss his mom on the lips.

00:19:59.772 --> 00:20:09.726
He got mad about it and I'm like, okay, you know what we just did and you just kissed your mom with the same lips and then he was like, oh, and after that that's when they had stopped doing that.

00:20:09.726 --> 00:20:15.976
Because I'm kind of like, um, sir, you just why would you?

00:20:16.556 --> 00:20:18.700
that's creepy it was now.

00:20:18.700 --> 00:20:25.515
I wish I would have thought more into it instead of just thinking maybe that's just because that's her only son and they had a lot of trouble.

00:20:25.515 --> 00:20:26.016
They had like a.

00:20:26.016 --> 00:20:28.285
They had a very strained and troubled relationship.

00:20:28.285 --> 00:20:30.028
They really did got an apartment.

00:20:30.028 --> 00:20:40.346
I know his mom kept trying to tell him that he, she, he, needed to help her pay bills and I'm like, not if he's living with me because, um, if he live in all you you know we had got.

00:20:40.346 --> 00:20:41.768
He actually got into it about that.

00:20:41.768 --> 00:20:50.289
I think he had pushed his mom down the steps that day because they had fought about it, because I got mad and said if you, finna, pay her bills, you need to go live with her because I'm not doing this.

00:20:50.289 --> 00:20:56.275
Like I know, whenever he was really mad at me and couldn't get to me, I know he did be really mean to her.

00:20:56.315 --> 00:21:04.035
I did hear I don't physically see it, but I could hear it do you know if she was ever abusive to him like in his childhood?

00:21:05.037 --> 00:21:11.936
um, to be honest, from what he told me as a child, his mom was like she was I don't know what went on with him and his dad.

00:21:11.936 --> 00:21:15.373
To me I honestly feel like she was the abusive partner to his dad.

00:21:15.373 --> 00:21:19.891
I really do feel that way because I know she was in and out of like mental institutions.

00:21:19.891 --> 00:21:21.615
She was like he, he was mixed.

00:21:21.615 --> 00:21:23.788
So his family was actually prejudiced.

00:21:23.788 --> 00:21:24.409
They were racist.

00:21:24.409 --> 00:21:28.557
They didn't care much for you know, dr Complexion, so they treated him as such.

00:21:28.557 --> 00:21:35.950
He had to be raised by like her family because she was always, you know, in and out from going through stuff with her dad, with his dad.

00:21:35.950 --> 00:21:39.065
So she wasn't mentally, she wasn't able to take care of him.

00:21:39.665 --> 00:21:58.068
And I know the school he went to was, you know he was a minority there and I know some of the kids that took him to the woods and they had put, they tied him to a tree and poured honey on him and they had an ant like he was out there for a long time before anybody could find, before anybody found him, and he was tied to a tree and they let the ants.

00:21:58.068 --> 00:22:01.976
You know pretty much, you know that right there.

00:22:01.976 --> 00:22:05.101
I know it's caused some, you know some trauma and you know that right there.

00:22:05.101 --> 00:22:05.962
I know it's caused some trauma.

00:22:05.962 --> 00:22:13.449
I know when he was three or four he was outside playing and he actually got hit and drugged by the dump truck.

00:22:13.449 --> 00:22:16.954
Yeah, like the dump truck hit him as a child and drug him a couple of feet.

00:22:16.954 --> 00:22:20.259
So that little boy I mean he had been through a lot.

00:22:20.259 --> 00:22:28.194
I don't want to make up excuses for him, I'm just saying I know a lot of his issue is still isn't still from all this stuff that happens to him with the kids.

00:22:28.846 --> 00:22:41.474
And that's one thing that I always wrestle with, I guess in my mind is you know, did something cause someone to to be the kind of person they are, or were they born that way?

00:22:41.474 --> 00:22:43.413
Or is it a combination maybe of both?

00:23:02.224 --> 00:23:05.550
no-transcript you're absolutely right.

00:23:05.550 --> 00:23:06.653
I don't know what.

00:23:06.653 --> 00:23:08.179
I don't know what to say.

00:23:08.179 --> 00:23:10.748
What made him feel so comfortable to do that?

00:23:10.748 --> 00:23:15.686
I remember one time him and his mom were actually fighting over the double barrel shotgun.

00:23:15.686 --> 00:23:27.311
And when I say fighting, they're like sitting there, tug of warring, it pulling it back and forth, and I'm just sitting here watching, like tied to a chair, and I'm sitting looking like, well, I hope when y'all shoot each other so I can go.

00:23:27.311 --> 00:23:28.875
It's literally what I'm thinking.

00:23:28.875 --> 00:23:33.148
I hate to say that, but that's literally what I was thinking, cause they're literally sitting there.

00:23:33.148 --> 00:23:37.251
She's pulling it, he's pulling it, no, no, and I'm like y'all gonna kill each other.

00:23:37.765 --> 00:23:43.348
Well, in that situation it's almost like you're you're, you're extra stuck because there's her too.

00:23:43.348 --> 00:23:53.113
You know, I mean, she might not be the one who's physically keeping you where you are, but there's still a role.

00:23:53.113 --> 00:23:54.474
I think that she plays in it too.

00:23:54.474 --> 00:23:57.180
I agree, did he ever go to jail for anything?

00:23:59.028 --> 00:23:59.950
no, he didn't.

00:23:59.950 --> 00:24:05.199
I mean he got a lot of traffic violations, like every car she's had he's wrecked.

00:24:05.199 --> 00:24:07.068
He's wrecked so many cars.

00:24:07.068 --> 00:24:16.990
He wasn't able to get insurance and his mom, the insurance company said they would drop her if she insured a car and he drove it, because that's how many of the vehicles that he's wrecked?

00:24:17.333 --> 00:24:19.661
Yeah, I think that's a red flag too.

00:24:19.661 --> 00:24:21.205
Is like erratic driving.

00:24:22.627 --> 00:24:25.614
You are right, because instead of stopping, he'll speed up.

00:24:25.614 --> 00:24:26.955
And I'm like what are you doing?

00:24:26.955 --> 00:24:28.337
And I'm like, boy, stop.

00:24:28.337 --> 00:24:29.160
Like I'll be in the car.

00:24:29.160 --> 00:24:31.093
And I'm like, what in the world?

00:24:31.093 --> 00:24:35.032
Like I'm sitting in this brand new car did not stay brand new very long.

00:24:37.397 --> 00:24:42.336
That's awful, so, and then he didn't serve any time with anything that he did to you.

00:24:43.644 --> 00:24:44.425
As far I don't.

00:24:44.425 --> 00:24:55.538
I don't know what he did, because all I know is I moved out of the city to get away, like well, my family had did a welfare check because I couldn't, I couldn't, nobody could get out, reach out to me, but he had my phone.

00:24:55.538 --> 00:25:06.393
I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom with the door closed, I couldn't take a shower with the door closed and half the time I had to have a curtain where he could see me.

00:25:06.393 --> 00:25:12.354
He always had my phone when he was sleeping, sleeping like he would be like on top of me, basically, like, I guess, afraid that I would leave, you know, while he was sleeping.

00:25:12.354 --> 00:25:15.746
So it was like, yes, like I remember my friend.

00:25:15.746 --> 00:25:26.527
She was taking, you know, insomnia medicine and sometimes she would come over and give them to me and I would put him in his food or drink just so I can just have one moment, just to breathe.

00:25:26.527 --> 00:25:33.169
Like he would always take me in the clothes room or the closet, the bathroom, and choke me Like I think, choke, I think he felt.

00:25:33.210 --> 00:25:36.657
I know Homer and Bart Simpson felt because he was just choking.

00:25:36.657 --> 00:25:38.229
I he did, If he was mad.

00:25:38.229 --> 00:25:41.685
I'm being choked and I'm still thinking what the heck Like that was.

00:25:41.685 --> 00:25:51.250
One of his favorite things to do was choke and I'm pretty sure I have some like, some memory, like it's caused a little bit of memory loss from the lack of oxygen because he did it on a regular basis.

00:25:51.309 --> 00:25:58.413
With strangulation victims, even if they go to the hospital a lot of times, unless they're pushing so much pressure.

00:25:58.413 --> 00:26:00.137
But a lot of times you don't even know.

00:26:00.137 --> 00:26:05.537
You can't prove that you were strangled because there may not be any marks around your throat.

00:26:05.537 --> 00:26:08.692
But there are long lasting effects.

00:26:08.692 --> 00:26:11.087
There's like you said, there's like memory issues.

00:26:11.087 --> 00:26:18.931
Sometimes there can even be personality changes depending on the severity and then the frequency of getting strangled.

00:26:19.813 --> 00:26:28.909
You're absolutely right, because it happened in July and when July half like comes around, I'll get nightmares, I won't be able to sleep Like I literally will be fighting in my sleep.

00:26:28.909 --> 00:26:34.166
I woke up to me almost touching my bedside table Cause like I'm, I'm fighting in my sleep.

00:26:34.166 --> 00:26:36.656
I feel like I'm choking, like they did.

00:26:36.656 --> 00:26:44.551
They were able to see that I was choking because when they laid down the MRI machine, I had a scream because the pressure from my head and my neck I was.

00:26:44.551 --> 00:26:49.717
They had a hard time doing it because, like, yeah, if they could see I was yes, it was it was bad.

00:26:49.717 --> 00:26:52.420
My whole little neck was swollen.

00:26:52.420 --> 00:26:55.209
I couldn't eat anything for a while and I really didn't want to.

00:26:55.209 --> 00:26:56.973
Anyway, I could barely swallow my spit.

00:26:56.973 --> 00:27:03.096
When that happened, ashley went and stayed with my best friend, the one who was telling me not to be friends with.

00:27:03.726 --> 00:27:04.627
How did you get out?

00:27:04.627 --> 00:27:14.949
Finally, did you have to, since you know I was asking like if there was a reason that you stayed, part of it is because he was physically restraining you and not letting you leave.

00:27:14.949 --> 00:27:18.657
But how did you finally leave and stay gone?

00:27:19.684 --> 00:27:33.034
Well, when he had actually cut my hands open and I got some 15 stitches, I can say that it was a different kind of eye opener for me, because the whole time I'm in there I'm the one getting stitches and he's the one while the doctor is throwing my hands up.

00:27:33.034 --> 00:27:41.162
He's walking back and forth looking at me, acting like oh my God, oh my God, just walking back, and I guess that lady would have asked him to leave when we went to the ER.

00:27:41.162 --> 00:27:49.837
I could have told him everything and I know he would have been in jail for attempting it or whatever they would have called it.

00:27:49.837 --> 00:27:55.973
And I'm sitting here looking at her, like reading my mind, like trying to like put brainwaves, like just so hopefully she can see my eyes, to just let him walk away.

00:27:55.973 --> 00:27:58.298
But she never did, not one time.

00:27:58.298 --> 00:28:01.895
And this lady in the waiting room actually came in and she hugged me.

00:28:01.895 --> 00:28:25.291
I think she kind of knew, because the whole time I am literally sitting there, calm, I didn't cry out, I didn't cry out, I didn't cry, I just had this stoic face on and he's in the ER, going back and forth, pacing and looking at me, and he's got my phone and my keys and I'm sitting here with both of my hands in this towel and he's just sitting there, like I said, pacing, and even the security guard kind of looked at him.

00:28:25.325 --> 00:28:31.628
I feel like people had an idea, but I don't know if people just didn't want to get in it, because, you know, people like to mind their business.

00:28:31.628 --> 00:28:36.152
So, you know, I don't really know why nobody said anything, but they didn't.

00:28:36.152 --> 00:28:48.878
So when we left the hospital that day, I'm sitting there laying down and he's sitting there sleeping holding me and my hands are throbbing and I'm sitting there thinking, dude, I can't, I can't do this anymore.

00:28:48.878 --> 00:28:49.720
Like I can't.

00:28:49.720 --> 00:28:51.240
It's either it's about to be me or him.

00:28:51.240 --> 00:28:58.193
Like I'm sitting there contemplating if I could kill him, and that's not the kind of person I am.

00:28:58.193 --> 00:28:59.144
Like I, like I barely can kill a bug.

00:28:59.144 --> 00:29:00.832
I gotta call somebody else to get it.

00:29:00.904 --> 00:29:02.968
Like I had a grasshopper in my car and I was wrecked.

00:29:02.968 --> 00:29:07.296
Like I'm sitting here, like I'm sitting here like I'm about to let the grasshopper have my own vehicle.

00:29:07.296 --> 00:29:39.230
It's on the driver's side window and I'm way over here, I'm looking at it the whole way to work, you know, and I'm sitting here, and even the people at my job, like I didn't have to say anything for them to be able to tell what's going on, no-transcript, like you know they're, like you know you can use insulin They'll never know, it's a natural thing.

00:29:39.230 --> 00:29:43.507
And literally telling me what to do, like when he goes to sleep, put it, you know, do it in his hair.

00:29:43.507 --> 00:29:58.700
And I'm sitting there, I'm sitting there really contemplating it, like I considered it, because I just I was just so tired, I was tired, I was tired emotionally, I was tired physically, I was tired mentally, I just I could, I just couldn't do it anymore.

00:29:58.720 --> 00:29:59.400
It was so bad.

00:29:59.400 --> 00:30:02.022
Even the veterinarian could tell me I was abused.

00:30:02.022 --> 00:30:10.190
My vet, my dog's veterinarian, called me and asked me if I was safe at home because of how my dog was acting.

00:30:10.190 --> 00:30:13.915
And called me and asked me if I was safe at home because of how my dog was acting when I left.

00:30:13.915 --> 00:30:14.696
I left, he went to work.

00:30:14.696 --> 00:30:15.798
I pretended I was sleeping.

00:30:15.798 --> 00:30:16.499
My friend came over.

00:30:16.499 --> 00:30:19.002
We're throwing stuff because I was in an upstairs apartment.

00:30:19.002 --> 00:30:23.353
We're throwing furniture over the balconies, we're sliding down the stairs and the couches because we're trying to get me out before he comes home from work.

00:30:23.744 --> 00:30:29.478
And like we got done like four or five and he was going to be coming home soon and I was like Michelle, you're not going to leave like this.

00:30:29.478 --> 00:30:31.951
She's just come to my house and I was terrified.

00:30:31.951 --> 00:30:54.171
I said no, because I know he's going to come there, because the police did not, because I had an investigator he would come and get me and then he was helping me plan out you know me leaving and how to help, because my family did a welfare check and when they did, he's seen it physically, because it was seen to see like me healing.

00:30:54.171 --> 00:30:55.762
And then I showed him what happened, like my ex actually said he was glad that my hands were hurt because he said he could take care of me.

00:30:55.762 --> 00:30:57.215
Like I couldn't even wipe my bottom, like my yes, he did.

00:30:57.215 --> 00:30:57.857
He said that.

00:30:57.857 --> 00:30:59.482
He said now I can take care of you.

00:30:59.482 --> 00:31:01.928
I'm sitting there thinking I can't even wipe my own butt.

00:31:01.928 --> 00:31:03.911
Man like this is not a cool feeling.

00:31:03.911 --> 00:31:06.275
I couldn't pull my pants up anything.

00:31:06.275 --> 00:31:09.240
I had 15 stitches and I had stitches in both hands.

00:31:10.484 --> 00:31:15.169
That's so sick, like I'm glad I did this to you so now I can take care of.

00:31:15.169 --> 00:31:16.373
Well, I mean, that's what they want.

00:31:16.373 --> 00:31:18.874
They want you to be completely dependent on them.

00:31:18.874 --> 00:31:22.031
So then you're you're even more stuck.

00:31:22.031 --> 00:31:22.993
You can't go anywhere.

00:31:23.715 --> 00:31:33.009
You're absolutely right, and I really did feel like I was like my mom I don't, I don't know when it came about, I guess because she, like, she had me come to her house one day and she was like, I want you to watch this movie.

00:31:33.009 --> 00:31:34.550
She's like is he going to let you come over?

00:31:34.550 --> 00:31:38.753
And then my mom actually had to talk to him, be like, look, I need to see my daughter.

00:31:38.753 --> 00:31:40.394
So you need to calm down and relax.

00:31:40.394 --> 00:31:43.076
Like because he because he, I couldn't go anywhere.

00:31:43.076 --> 00:31:44.657
I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't do anything.

00:31:45.057 --> 00:31:47.078
He would take me to work and take my vehicle.

00:31:47.078 --> 00:31:49.060
Sometimes he wouldn't even pick me up.

00:31:49.060 --> 00:32:08.861
I'd have to walk home from my mom's house, walk home from work to my mom's house, because while I lived with him it was like kind of on the outskirts of the city, so the closest place for my job was my mom's and it wasn't that close, but it was close enough where I know it's like a 30-minute walk and he would do that all the time and it turned out he'd be with his ex-girls.

00:32:08.861 --> 00:32:13.415
One time he didn't even I got a ride out to his house and he wasn't there.

00:32:13.415 --> 00:32:14.727
He didn't come until the next day.

00:32:14.727 --> 00:32:23.594
He fell asleep in the driveway at one of his friend's house and I'm like you really think this makes sense and in my mind I'm thinking so.

00:32:23.594 --> 00:32:24.717
Are you just doing this to me?

00:32:28.724 --> 00:32:29.307
Are you doing that to her too?

00:32:29.307 --> 00:32:29.749
I mean, I don't think.

00:32:29.749 --> 00:32:35.512
I don't feel like people that are this level of abusive just do it to one person.

00:32:35.512 --> 00:32:38.470
I think it has to be more people.

00:32:39.512 --> 00:32:40.094
It has to be.

00:32:40.094 --> 00:32:46.509
But I mean, then I can say I can't say, because they just literally just kept running flocking to him and I'm like, can't you know?

00:32:46.509 --> 00:32:47.250
I'm like what the?

00:32:47.250 --> 00:32:48.990
It didn't make any sense.

00:32:49.172 --> 00:32:49.271
Now.

00:32:49.271 --> 00:32:51.973
Were you able to get a restraining order or anything on him?

00:32:52.795 --> 00:32:54.596
The city did that actually Because like.

00:32:54.695 --> 00:32:55.336
I said I had that.

00:32:55.336 --> 00:33:01.461
Yeah, because when we did that my family had did that welfare check and the officer came and he actually said we're going to serve in papers.

00:33:01.461 --> 00:33:06.551
I told him where he worked at but they said they didn't want me to be there.

00:33:06.551 --> 00:33:10.671
So he told me you know, we made a plan together about when I'm going to get out and how I'm going to get out so they can serve some papers.

00:33:10.671 --> 00:33:13.053
So that night she and I moved all my stuff.

00:33:13.053 --> 00:33:16.913
We actually hid my vehicle and the moving truck in plain sight.

00:33:17.444 --> 00:33:21.269
A friend of mine had worked like down the street from my apartment that's where her office was.

00:33:21.269 --> 00:33:23.848
So she let us just hide my vehicle there.

00:33:23.848 --> 00:33:25.151
I mean, it's not a place.

00:33:25.151 --> 00:33:28.115
Unless you just working, you're not going to work there, basically.

00:33:28.115 --> 00:33:30.640
So we had a park there and I went to stay at her house.

00:33:30.640 --> 00:33:33.294
And when he got off work he went to my mom's house.

00:33:33.294 --> 00:33:37.125
He literally went to every person that he knew, that I knew's house.

00:33:37.125 --> 00:33:41.567
It was like probably five, six o'clock in the morning because my mom was calling me.

00:33:41.567 --> 00:33:42.348
Everybody was calling me.

00:33:42.348 --> 00:33:43.529
I didn't answer the phone.

00:33:43.529 --> 00:33:45.171
He called me probably about a hundred times.

00:33:45.631 --> 00:33:51.474
He even came to the house where I was at and as soon as that door knocked, all I remember is just rocking.

00:33:51.474 --> 00:33:57.700
I remember rocking and freaking out and my friend coming in there and hugging me and said, shh, because her mom stayed that day, because she knew what was happening.

00:33:57.700 --> 00:34:03.346
So her mom answered the door and he kept trying to make his way in there, you know.

00:34:03.346 --> 00:34:03.886
And they had a gun too.

00:34:03.886 --> 00:34:06.672
And she was like either you're going to leave or I'm going to get this gun or I'm going to call the police.

00:34:06.672 --> 00:34:07.594
I'm going to let you decide.

00:34:07.594 --> 00:34:09.077
And he was like well, where is she?

00:34:09.077 --> 00:34:11.632
And they're like she's like I don't know, we haven't heard from her.

00:34:11.632 --> 00:34:13.157
You know cause he?

00:34:13.157 --> 00:34:25.273
Cause he was like he went to my mate, knock on my mom and said like six o'clock in the morning and he's knocking on my mama's door looking for me.

00:34:25.273 --> 00:34:28.175
You know, served us some papers, like all that happened in the same day.

00:34:29.094 --> 00:34:31.918
I know that they did give us the longest restraining order that was possible.

00:34:31.918 --> 00:34:33.318
I think it was like eight to 10 years.

00:34:33.318 --> 00:34:42.548
And even in court the judge had to like reprimand him because he kept trying to talk to me when they had me on the stand.

00:34:42.548 --> 00:34:46.039
He kept trying to talk to me, he kept trying to apologize, kept trying to say he loved me.

00:34:46.039 --> 00:34:52.829
And the judge is like is something wrong with you?

00:34:52.829 --> 00:34:53.391
You not understand that?

00:34:53.391 --> 00:34:55.498
You got there was a restraining order and you're in court and you're still trying to talk to her.

00:34:55.498 --> 00:34:56.882
And then, when court was over, they had like us go, you know, separate.

00:34:56.882 --> 00:35:02.324
Like they let me leave first and I had to completely leave and go down to the little office and they let him leave.

00:35:02.324 --> 00:35:02.945
They wouldn't let us.

00:35:02.945 --> 00:35:05.269
They wouldn't let us leave separately or together.

00:35:05.269 --> 00:35:06.190
I mean, it's the same time.

00:35:06.811 --> 00:35:11.518
Now that we have a good understanding of the trauma Michelle endured, I'm going to take a break here.

00:35:11.518 --> 00:35:17.460
I don't want you to miss Michelle's journey into freedom, so I will be releasing part two tomorrow.

00:35:17.460 --> 00:35:28.641
Make sure to tune in to see how she used her creativity to turn her trauma into a source of comfort and healing, not only for herself, but for other domestic violence victims as well.

00:35:28.641 --> 00:35:30.748
Thank you for listening.

00:35:30.748 --> 00:35:35.266
Michelle's bio is attached to her episodes on the one in three website.

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I have included the link in the show notes.

00:35:37.695 --> 00:35:42.067
I will be back tomorrow with a second half of Michelle's story.

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Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.

00:35:50.260 --> 00:35:58.289
Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website oneandthreepodcastcom.

00:35:58.289 --> 00:35:59.751
That's the number one.

00:35:59.751 --> 00:36:02.858
I-n the number three podcastcom.

00:36:02.858 --> 00:36:07.932
Follow One in Three on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1in3podcast.

00:36:07.932 --> 00:36:12.159
To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe.

00:36:12.159 --> 00:36:18.168
1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.

00:36:18.168 --> 00:36:18.248
©.

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Transcript Emily Beynon.