The Moment of Clarity: When Children Become Pawns in Abuse

Welcome to the blog, Warriors! In my latest episode, 60-Domestic Violence AUTHOR and WARRIOR: Emma Jean Rowin; Part 2, I continued my conversation with Emma Jean Rowin, author and advocate, delving deeper into the realities of domestic abuse and its impact on families. A particularly poignant moment in our discussion centered around the realization that children in abusive homes aren't just witnesses; they're active participants, internalizing harmful patterns that can shape their future relationships and behaviors. This blog post expands on that pivotal moment of clarity and explores the long-term consequences of children being used as pawns in abusive dynamics. We'll also touch on the myth of staying "for the kids," offer some practical advice, and, most importantly, provide a message of hope and the invaluable gift of self-respect that can break the cycle of abuse.

Introduction: The Pivotal Moment of Clarity

The realization that your children are being harmed, not just by witnessing abuse, but by absorbing its toxic lessons, is a moment that can change everything. It's a moment that forces you to confront the stark reality of the situation and to recognize that the seemingly 'intact' family is, in fact, a breeding ground for future pain and dysfunction. It is a moment when all of the lies you may have told yourself about the best way to protect your children come crashing down around you. This pivotal moment is not always easy to find, but is critical in deciding to move forward.

Emma Jean's Revelation: Children as Pawns

In our conversation, Emma Jean shared a deeply personal and heartbreaking story: her young daughter offering to "act really cute" to prevent her father's rage. This wasn't just a child trying to diffuse a tense situation; it was a child who had learned to manipulate her own behavior, to sacrifice her own sense of self, in an attempt to control the uncontrollable. It was a clear indication that the children were not simply bystanders, but were actively being used as pawns in the abuser's game.

This is a common, yet often overlooked, dynamic in abusive households. Children may be used as messengers, spies, or emotional buffers. They may be pressured to take sides, to keep secrets, or to lie to protect the abuser. They may be forced to witness or participate in acts of violence. In all of these scenarios, the children are robbed of their innocence and forced to navigate a world of fear, manipulation, and uncertainty.

When children are placed in the middle of conflict, they can internalize this relational pattern as normal. They will carry this into adulthood, recreating similar unhealthy scenarios in their own relationships. These behaviors manifest in many ways, depending on the individual and their specific experiences. For example, one child may become a 'people-pleaser,' constantly seeking approval and validation from others, fearing conflict and abandonment. Another may become aggressive or controlling, mimicking the behavior of the abuser in an attempt to gain power and control in their own life. Others may shut down and become emotionally detached, unable to form healthy relationships or express their own needs and feelings.

The Damaging Effects of Absorbing Abuse

The effects of absorbing abuse are far-reaching and can have a devastating impact on a child's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Children who grow up in abusive environments are at a higher risk for developing a range of problems, including:

• Anxiety and depression
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty forming healthy relationships
• Substance abuse
• Eating disorders
• Self-harm
• Suicidal thoughts and behaviors
• Learning and behavioral problems
• Physical health problems

Perhaps most tragically, children who grow up in abusive homes are also at a higher risk of becoming abusers themselves. By witnessing and internalizing abusive behaviors, they may come to believe that violence is an acceptable way to resolve conflict or to exert power and control. This can perpetuate the cycle of abuse, passing it on to future generations.

It's important to understand that the damage caused by absorbing abuse is not always immediately apparent. Some children may appear to be coping well on the surface, but the trauma can manifest later in life, often triggered by seemingly unrelated events or relationships. This is why it's so crucial to recognize the signs of abuse and to seek help for children who are living in abusive environments.

Dismantling the Myth: Staying 'For the Kids'

One of the most insidious myths surrounding domestic abuse is the idea that staying "for the kids" is the best thing for them. This notion often stems from a desire to keep the family together, to provide a stable home environment, and to protect the children from the perceived trauma of separation. However, the reality is that children in abusive homes are already experiencing trauma on a daily basis. The constant fear, tension, and violence create a toxic environment that can have devastating consequences.

Staying in an abusive relationship "for the kids" is often a way for the abused parent to rationalize their own fear and insecurity. They may believe that they are protecting their children by staying, but in reality, they are exposing them to ongoing harm. Children are incredibly perceptive and can sense the tension and unhappiness in their parents, even if it's not explicitly discussed. They may blame themselves for the abuse, believing that they are somehow responsible for their parents' problems. They may also develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as withdrawing from their families, acting out in school, or engaging in risky behaviors.

As Emma Jean pointed out in our conversation, children who witness their parents disrespecting each other learn to accept disrespect as normal. They may believe that they don't deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, and they may be more likely to tolerate abuse in their own relationships. By staying in an abusive relationship, you are not protecting your children; you are teaching them that abuse is acceptable.

A Daughter's Strength: Witnessing Courage

One of the most powerful takeaways from our conversation with Emma Jean was the observation that her daughter, now an adult, demonstrates remarkable strength in her relationships precisely because she witnessed her mother's courage in walking away from abuse. This highlights the fact that children learn not just from what their parents say, but from what they do.

When a parent finds the courage to leave an abusive relationship, they are sending a powerful message to their children: that they are worthy of love and respect, and that they deserve to live in a safe and healthy environment. This can be a transformative experience for children, helping them to develop a strong sense of self-worth and the ability to set healthy boundaries in their own relationships. It is this strength and self-assuredness that is the greatest gift we can give our children.

Witnessing a parent's courage can also inspire children to be brave in their own lives, to stand up for themselves and others, and to fight for what they believe in. They may be more likely to challenge injustice, to advocate for those who are marginalized, and to make a positive difference in the world.

The Illusion of the 'Intact Family'

The idea of the 'intact family' – a two-parent household with a mother and father living together – is often idealized in our society. However, this ideal can be particularly harmful in the context of domestic violence. The pursuit of an 'intact family' can lead people to stay in abusive relationships, believing that it's the best thing for their children, even when it's causing significant harm.

The truth is that an 'intact family' is only beneficial if it's a healthy and supportive environment. A family that is characterized by violence, fear, and control is not an 'intact family' at all; it's a broken family, regardless of whether the parents are still living together. Children who grow up in abusive 'intact families' may suffer just as much, if not more, than children who grow up in single-parent households or foster care. They may feel trapped, isolated, and hopeless, believing that there is no escape from the abuse.

It's important to recognize that the illusion of the 'intact family' can be incredibly powerful, especially for those who grew up in traditional families themselves. However, it's crucial to prioritize the safety and well-being of your children above all else. Sometimes, the bravest and most loving thing you can do is to break free from the 'intact family' ideal and create a new, healthier family structure for your children.

A Good Parent Does Not Abuse

This is a simple, yet profound statement that should be a guiding principle for all parents regardless of gender. A good father does not abuse his children's mother, either physically, emotionally, or verbally. A good father protects his children from harm, both inside and outside the home. A good father models healthy relationships, demonstrating respect, kindness, and compassion. This is equally true for the mother.

Unfortunately, many children grow up in homes where this is not the case. They may witness one parent abusing the other, and they may even be subjected to abuse themselves. This can have a devastating impact on their development, leading to a range of problems, as discussed earlier.

It's important to hold abusers accountable for their actions and to challenge the notion that abuse is ever acceptable. A good father does not abuse, and if a father is abusing, he is not a good father, regardless of his other qualities or accomplishments.

A Clarifying Question: What Would You Tell Your Daughter?

For listeners who are struggling with the decision to leave an abusive relationship, Emma Jean offered a clarifying question: "What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?" This question can be incredibly powerful, as it forces you to step outside of your own fear and insecurity and to consider what you would want for your child.

Would you want your daughter to stay in an abusive relationship, believing that she deserves to be treated poorly? Would you want her to sacrifice her own happiness and well-being for the sake of keeping the family together? Or would you want her to find the courage to leave, to prioritize her own safety and well-being, and to create a better life for herself and her children?

The answer to this question is often clear, even when it's difficult to act upon. It can provide the motivation and strength needed to take the first steps towards leaving the abuse.

The Dangers of Leaving and Practical Advice

Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly dangerous, as the abuser may escalate their violence in an attempt to regain control. It's essential to have a safety plan in place before you leave, and to seek help from domestic violence organizations or law enforcement. These organizations can help you find safe housing, obtain legal protection, and develop a plan to protect yourself and your children from further harm.

The first and most important step is to create a safety plan. This plan should include things like: *A safe place to go. *Important phone numbers. *A way to get money. *Copies of important documents. *An understanding of local resources.

Some practical tips to remember are:

• Consider timing your exit when the abuser is away from the home.
• Gather all necessary documents (birth certificates, social security cards, financial records, etc.) and keep them in a safe place.
• Open a bank account in your name only.
• Change your passwords and create new email accounts that the abuser does not know about.
• Document all instances of abuse, including dates, times, and descriptions of the incidents.
• Seek legal advice and explore your options for obtaining a restraining order or protective order.

The emotional reality is that many victims attempt to leave multiple times before making a final break. This is perfectly normal and should not be viewed as a failure. Each attempt provides valuable information and experience that can help you to be more successful the next time.

Hope and Self-Respect: An Invaluable Gift

Despite the challenges and dangers of leaving an abusive relationship, it's important to remember that there is hope. You deserve to live in a safe and healthy environment, and your children deserve to grow up in a home free from violence and fear. By finding the courage to walk away from abuse, you are giving your children an invaluable gift: a model of self-respect that becomes internalized and "sealed in their fate" in the most positive way possible.

This gift of self-respect will empower them to make healthy choices in their own lives, to set boundaries, and to demand to be treated with kindness and compassion. It will help them to break the cycle of abuse and to create a brighter future for themselves and their families.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

The realization that children are not just witnesses to abuse but are internalizing it as a model for their future relationships is a pivotal moment of clarity. It’s a call to action, urging us to dismantle the harmful myth of staying "for the kids" and to prioritize their well-being above all else. As I discussed with Emma Jean in 60-Domestic Violence AUTHOR and WARRIOR: Emma Jean Rowin; Part 2, the courage to walk away from abuse is not just an act of self-preservation, but a profound act of love and protection for our children. It's a chance to break the cycle of abuse and to give them the invaluable gift of self-respect. Remember, you are not alone, and help is available.

Resources and Support

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, please reach out for help. Here are some resources that can provide support and guidance:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
• The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV): https://ncadv.org/
• Your local domestic violence shelter or advocacy organization

Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for a better future.