Letting Go of the 'Why': Focusing on Self-Healing Instead of Obsessing Over the Abuser

It’s a natural human response to seek understanding, especially when faced with traumatic experiences like abuse. The question "Why?" echoes in our minds, driving us to dissect the abuser's motivations and behaviors. However, dwelling on the "why" of abuse can often become a barrier to our own healing. It traps us in a cycle of rumination, preventing us from moving forward and building a life free from the shadows of the past. This blog post explores the importance of shifting your focus from the abuser to self-discovery and personal growth, empowering you to take control of your healing journey. As I discussed in episode 63-Therapy, Tears, and TikTok: Behind the 1 in 3 Podcast, sometimes the greatest breakthroughs come when we re-center ourselves in the narrative. This episode delves into the complexities of healing and the power of shifting our focus inward.

Introduction: The Pitfalls of Obsessing Over the Abuser

When abuse shatters our sense of safety and trust, it's common to become consumed by questions about the abuser's intentions. Was it intentional? Did they know what they were doing? Were they ever remorseful? This relentless pursuit of answers can feel like a quest for control in a situation where we felt powerless. We believe that if we can just understand the abuser's motives, we can somehow make sense of the senseless and prevent it from happening again. However, obsessing over the abuser often leads to a dead end. Even if we were to uncover the "truth" behind their actions, it wouldn't necessarily bring us closure or alleviate the pain. Furthermore, focusing on the abuser can keep us stuck in a victim mentality. It reinforces the idea that we are defined by what happened to us and that our healing is dependent on understanding the abuser. This can be disempowering and prevent us from taking ownership of our recovery. Instead, we need to reclaim our narrative and focus on what we can control: our own healing journey.

My Personal Turning Point: The 'Scroll' Exercise in Therapy

For me, the turning point came during a therapy session where my therapist suggested a powerful exercise. She asked me to write out my story as if it were inscribed on an ancient scroll. I was to detail the abuse, the emotional turmoil, and the impact it had on my life. Then, she instructed me to read the scroll aloud, but as if it were someone else's story. As I began to read, a wave of emotion washed over me. I could feel the pain, the fear, and the despair of the woman on the scroll. It was as if I were witnessing her suffering from an outside perspective. Tears streamed down my face as I whispered, "That poor woman." It was in that moment that I realized the profound impact the abuse had had on me. This exercise helped me to distance myself from the trauma and see my experience with a new level of compassion. It allowed me to recognize the strength and resilience I had demonstrated in surviving the abuse. More importantly, it highlighted the need to shift my focus from the abuser to my own healing. I realized that I had been so consumed with trying to understand their actions that I had neglected my own emotional needs. It was time to prioritize self-care, self-compassion, and self-discovery.

The Non-Linear Path of Healing: Challenges and Discoveries

Healing from abuse is not a linear process. It's a journey filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, and unexpected challenges. There will be times when you feel like you're making progress, only to be knocked back by a trigger or a flashback. It's important to remember that this is normal and that setbacks are a part of the healing process. One of the biggest challenges I faced was the lingering sense of distrust. After being betrayed by someone I had trusted, I found it difficult to trust anyone again. I began to misinterpret the intentions of friends and family, suspecting hidden agendas and ulterior motives. This created distance in my relationships and made it difficult to connect with others. I also experienced a range of physiological responses to everyday interactions. Loud noises, sudden movements, or certain smells could trigger anxiety and panic attacks. My body was still reacting to the trauma, even when my mind was trying to move on. Through dedicated therapy work, I learned that healing requires feeling everything: the sadness, the exhaustion, the frustration, the anger, the pain, the happiness, the uncertainty, and even the pride. It's about allowing ourselves to experience the full range of emotions without judgment or self-criticism. It's about acknowledging our pain and giving ourselves permission to grieve. It's also about celebrating our strengths and recognizing our resilience.

Why Focusing on the 'Why' Hinders Healing

Obsessing over the "why" of abuse can be detrimental to the healing process for several reasons:

• It keeps you stuck in the past: Ruminating on the abuser's motivations prevents you from moving forward and creating a new future for yourself.
• It empowers the abuser: By constantly thinking about the abuser, you are giving them power over your thoughts and emotions.
• It reinforces the victim mentality: Focusing on the abuser reinforces the idea that you are defined by what happened to you, rather than who you are.
• It distracts from self-care: When you are consumed with trying to understand the abuser, you neglect your own emotional and physical needs.
• It can lead to further frustration: The truth is, you may never fully understand the abuser's motivations, and trying to do so can lead to further frustration and disappointment.

Instead of focusing on the "why," it's more productive to focus on the "how": How did the abuse affect you? How can you heal from the trauma? How can you build a healthier and happier life for yourself?

The Power of Self-Love and Community

Self-love is the foundation of healing. It's about accepting yourself, flaws and all, and treating yourself with kindness and compassion. It's about recognizing your worth and believing that you deserve to be happy and healthy. Self-love is not a destination, but a journey. It requires consistent effort and practice. Here are some ways to cultivate self-love:

• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend.
• Set healthy boundaries: Learn to say no to things that drain your energy or compromise your values.
• Engage in self-care activities: Make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit.
• Challenge negative self-talk: Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
• Forgive yourself: Let go of any guilt or shame you may be holding onto.

In addition to self-love, community support is essential for healing. Connecting with others who have experienced similar traumas can provide a sense of validation, understanding, and hope. Support groups, therapy, and online forums can all be valuable resources. Sharing your story with others can be incredibly empowering. It allows you to break the silence and reclaim your voice. It also helps to reduce feelings of isolation and shame. Knowing that you are not alone can make the healing journey feel less daunting.

1 in 3: A Growing Community of Hope

The statistic "1 in 3" represents the alarming prevalence of domestic violence. This means that countless individuals are silently suffering, often feeling isolated and alone. The "1 in 3" podcast was created to break the silence and raise awareness about domestic violence. It's a platform for survivors to share their stories, offer support, and inspire hope. Since its launch on March 1st, 2023, the podcast has grown into a community spanning over 40 countries, with thousands of downloads and 16 incredible guests. The mission of "1 in 3" remains the same: to share real stories of domestic violence, raise awareness, and offer hope to everyone affected. Whether you're just beginning your healing journey or well along the path, remember that you're not alone. Your messages of encouragement and support keep this podcast going, and I'm deeply grateful for each of you.

Resources and Support for Your Journey

Healing from abuse is a challenging but achievable journey. There are many resources and support systems available to help you along the way. Here are some organizations that can provide assistance:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (In the US, you can also text "START" to 88788)
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 800-656-HOPE
• The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV): https://ncadv.org/
• Your local domestic violence shelter: Search online for resources in your area.
• Therapists specializing in trauma recovery: Look for therapists who are trained in EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or other trauma-informed approaches.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve to heal and build a life free from abuse. Don't hesitate to reach out for support.

Conclusion: Shifting the Focus to Self-Healing

Letting go of the "why" is not about condoning the abuser's actions or minimizing the impact of the abuse. It's about reclaiming your power and focusing on what you can control: your own healing. By shifting your focus from the abuser to self-discovery and personal growth, you can break free from the cycle of trauma and build a brighter future for yourself. As explored in episode 63, healing is a deeply personal journey. Embrace self-love, seek community support, and remember that you are not alone. You are strong, you are resilient, and you deserve to heal.