8-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Ben Bjarnesen

Hi Warriors, this is 1-3, and I'm your host, ingrid. Oftentimes we are unable to see someone as a victim of abuse. They have become great at hiding it. They always seem happy, especially in public and on social media. They don't appear to be the quote type or they can even be too physically impressive. It's important to recognize that, despite these perceptions, anyone can be exposed to domestic violence, and that's why I'm bringing you this episode today. This has been Bjornsson's Story. Picture this You are a 6-foot-2 man with an athletic build. You are on the Queensland Police Force and have learned not only how to defend yourself, but you have also received training in domestic abuse. You know how to identify the signs of abuse in a victim and, in fact, respond to a number of calls regarding this matter. You are good at what you do and feel confident in your profession. Given homosexuality was just decriminalized in Queensland in 1991, you are naturally a bit apprehensive about coming out to your colleagues as a gay man, even though it's 2010. Adding to your concern, you also understand the World Health Organization just removed homosexuality from its list of mental health disorders in 1992. And now you're not really sure, but you think you may be in an abusive relationship. This may seem like an exaggerated list of circumstances for a character in my story, but I assure you it is not. Today Ben is a senior constable for the Queensland Police and holds many accolades I will share with you in just a bit. But early in his career Ben was that very individual I just described. He was unsure how his partner on the force would respond to his sexuality When he would discuss his weekend plans. He wouldn't divulge he went to gay bars or had a boyfriend. He would lie regarding his whereabouts and would sometimes even say he had a girlfriend. These lies became more complicated and even more dangerous as one of his relationships became abusive. Still young in his career and with his entire life ahead of him, ben began a chapter of his life which, on outward appearances, seemed perfect. He had a boyfriend whom he owned a beautiful home with and shared a German shepherd named Zulu. But that perfect exterior had a dark inside secret. Ben recalls the abuse had a subtle onset. It was little things like monitoring his social media and text messages. Speaking of text messages, his boyfriend would send a barrage of messages. If Ben was socializing without him, he would want to know when he was coming home, who he was out with. What were they doing? One of the first instances his boyfriend became physical was after a trip to McDonald's. While the couple was standing in line, ben noticed the person in front of him speaking Danish. He engaged in conversation as his family was from Denmark. When the two returned home, ben's boyfriend hurled him over the couch and threw the fast food at him. Of course the next day his boyfriend was remorseful. He apologized profusely. He admitted his love for Ben was so great it made him crazy. He couldn't fathom the idea of Ben leaving and jealousy crept up too quickly because of it. Ben thought he was lucky to have a man love him so much. Another evening they were walking home and Ben made a remark about taking a long way. His boyfriend shoved him and started abusing him. He was once again apologetic and promised to stop drinking. He would never do it again and vowed to even see a psychologist. As the abuse continued, ben's confusion grew. He wasn't sure if this was actually abuse. Was this normal in a homosexual relationship? Was he being too sensitive? Is this because his boyfriend had a difficult childhood? Was his boyfriend's reactions justified by Ben's behavior? Surely, being a police officer, he would know if this was abuse. Ben actually began to silently wish for his boyfriend to just punch him so he could definitively label it as abuse. Ben desperately wanted to talk with someone, but who He didn't want to confide in family because he wanted to prove he could have a stable, loving relationship as a gay man. He began to look up domestic abuse, but all of the information pointed abuse out as happening from a man to a woman. This confirmed his suspicions that what he was experiencing was not abuse, but it was, And it continued and escalated. All the attacks would be followed by remorse and grand gestures. There was talk of marriage. Ben received a commitment ring. There were endless promises to change. His boyfriend even had Ben's name tattooed on his chest. Cycicvilasorg describes the three cycles of violence many of us have heard before. They include the tension building, acute explosion and honeymoon phases. Cycecentralcom has actually expanded the cycle into four stages as tension building, incidents of violence, reconciliation and calm. I'll quickly go over each of these now. In tension building, the abuser begins to exhibit quote milder forms of abuse. Examples include withholding emotions, ignoring, yelling, destroying property, accusing the victim of unacceptable behavior. The victim may find themselves walking on eggshells. The incident of violence follows when the tension breaks and is seen as one or multiple quote outbursts in order to exert power. The violence may take on multiple forms, such as emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical. Reconciliation is a period of time the abuser attempts to maintain control over the victim through a variety of actions. They may apologize. Now it is important to recognize the difference between a non-abuser's guilt and an abuser's guilt. A non-abuser will feel remorse for what was done to the victim and how that person was impacted. This is known as victim directed guilt. An abuser will display self-directed guilt, apologizing only to avoid being held accountable or facing any repercussions. Opposed to apologizing, the abuser may blatantly disregard any abuse even happened. There can also be a flood of romantic gestures, also known as love bombing. And finally, the calm period includes justifying the abuser's actions. They often blame substance or alcohol usage, the situation or the victim themselves. During this stage, they might also gaslight in order to convince the victim they were overreacting or making it up. It is important to note that the stages can look different in each relationship. They may also overlap or occur in a different order. We do need to recognize that all of these actions are done to exert and maintain power and control. Let's get back to Ben. With the escalation of abuse from his partner, he began to worry about when the next outburst would be or what it would include. Would his boyfriend embarrass him in front of friends or colleagues? Would he break things? Would he physically assault him? Ben began walking on eggshells, anticipating how his boyfriend would react to his behavior. He would prepare the house if he predicted his boyfriend would turn to abuse. He hid the knife block. He would put the car keys in the ignition and open the garage door in case he needed a quick escape. He would set his phone to record what happened. At this time it became clearer to Ben this was abuse. But again, looking for resources, he only found shelters for women. He questioned if he were to report the abuse. Would he be laughed at? Would he be told to man up or that boys will be boys? Would he be seen as weak? It wasn't until he discovered a relationship checklist on an LGBTQ website that he was able to determine he was indeed abused. The checklist included the following behaviors as possible indicators one's partner may be abusive humiliation, outbursts of anger, jealousy, controlling, threatening, manipulative, forceful and isolating. Having the evidence at his fingertips, ben was able to break free. He does emphasize, however, that it took more than once for him to successfully leave. At one point he did leave, but his abuser claimed he had truly changed. He even threatened suicide if Ben didn't move back in. Unlike how all of us want to believe in the best of the person we loved, he returned. I'm happy to say that Ben is now safely out of that relationship. He has since reconnected with friends and family and notes how liberating it is not having to watch the time when he is out. While he admits his experience still haunts him a bit, he is grateful he no longer needs to worry or anticipate repercussions. Looking back, he can clearly see the red flags and the blatant abuse. He also recognizes the challenges he faced. There was no information regarding the LGBTQ community and domestic violence. There were no resources, ben points out. Without prevention initiatives, support services and awareness campaigns, lgbtq people may not even recognize they can be a victim. He felt embarrassed, trapped, helpless and invisible. He wanted to make sure that would not be the future case for anyone who found themselves in similar situations. He identifies unique characteristics of power and control for LGBTQ people. Here is the threat of outing their gender identity, sexuality or health status. Pressure to conform to sexual or gender stereotypes, riticuling one's expression of gender or sexuality, isolation from the LGBTQ community, friends or events, withholding medications or hormone therapy. Western Sydney University conducted a study which revealed 62% of the LGBTQ community experienced domestic violence, while only 5.2 reported to the police. Only 1.5% reported to domestic violence services. Using his position in law enforcement and his natural drive, ben is forging a clearer pathway for the LGBTQ community. With a Churchill Fellowship, he traveled to the United States, canada, england, scotland and the Netherlands to visit eight police departments and 15 support organizations to learn how to improve police response to LGBTQ victims. He has given multiple presentations on his story and what he hopes to do as a result. During these presentations, he mentions one out of three domestic violence. Altercations are witnessed, but most people are unaware of what abuse is or what to do to help. He recommends for the general population to familiarize themselves with a bystander tool kit. There are a lot of samples if you Google it. I will include the link to nomoreorg's bystander tool kit in the show notes. Ben also suggests for those questioning themselves in relationships to find a relationship checklist. Again, there are plenty available online. If you actually skip back just a few minutes. You can also consider the list I mentioned earlier as a quick reference. Ben has been and remains busy in his crusade to increase visibility and understanding while giving hope and encouragement to the LGBTQ community. Here are just some of his accomplishments He is an active advisor for government and non-government organizations internationally, with a wide range of initiatives to improve service to the LGBTQ communities. He is an operational police officer and volunteers as the regional coordinator of the Queensland Police Service LGBTI Liaison Officer Program. He has been named as one of the top 50 most influential and inspiring LGBTI Australians by Cosmet Polluton magazine for work in his area. Ben is the founder of the LGBTQ Domestic Violence Awareness Foundation, which he established in 2020. He is on the board of directors for DV Connect Limited And just this year he was appointed to the Queensland Government Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Council. And recently he was awarded the International Association for Chiefs of Police under 40 award For all of the work he has done and continues to do to improve relationships between the LGBTQ communities and police. I'm honored to have been able to message a bit with Ben regarding his story and his endless work he has been doing for domestic violence in the LGBTQ community. We were unfortunately unable to schedule a time for him to record his story with me, as May is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Australia and May is quickly approaching. In addition to the month-long recognition, ben was instrumental in establishing LGBTQ Domestic Violence Awareness Day, which is May 28th. I would like to send my abundant thanks to Ben for his incredible work and for allowing me to share his story. This quote is an excerpt of a letter Ben had submitted. Quote we need to challenge our beliefs and the way we talk about domestic violence and work together as a community to ensure that in the future there are no invisible victims. Everyone, no matter what their gender or sexuality, should feel seen, believed, supported, valued and be given hope. This will assist them in having the courage to reach out for support. Domestic violence isn't just a heterosexual issue. It's a human issue. The sooner we can acknowledge that it can affect anyone, the sooner we can work towards ending it. End quote. If you are in Australia and need help, contact DV Connect Women's Line at 1-800-811-811 or the Men's Line at 1-800-600-636 or 1-800-Respect. If you need immediate help, contact the police at 000. As always, links to sources used for this episode can be found in the show notes. I will be back next week with another story for you. Until then, have each other's back, stay strong and always remember you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1and3podcastcom. That's the number one. I am the number three podcastcom. Follow 1and3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1and3podcast To help me out. Please remember to rate, review and subscribe. 1and3 is a.5. Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.