March 11, 2025

59-Domestic Violence AUTHOR and WARRIOR: Emma Jean Rowin; Part 1

59-Domestic Violence AUTHOR and WARRIOR: Emma Jean Rowin; Part 1

Emma Jean Rowin survived an abusive marriage that culminated in her ex-husband becoming an active shooter. Her powerful memoir "When Things Collapse" chronicles this journey, but more importantly, reveals the subtle pathway that led her there - the very pathway many dismiss with "I would never stay in an abusive relationship."

Through reading passages from her book, Emma Jean transports us to her college years when the relationship began. We witness the seemingly small moments that were actually major warning signs: a boyfriend who breaks up with her repeatedly as punishment for minor disagreements, who throws a full drink at her friend over a harmless joke, who creates emotional chaos that somehow felt like passion to a young woman whose own parents modeled a passionless marriage.

What makes this conversation particularly insightful is the exploration of why smart, capable people remain in toxic relationships. Both Emma Jean and host Ingrid reflect on how their family backgrounds created blind spots, how the intense chemistry masked manipulation, and how the absence of relationship education in the 1990s left them navigating dangerous waters without a map. They unpack the psychology behind staying - how victims absorb blame, make excuses, and gradually accept increasingly problematic behavior as normal.

For anyone who has ever judged someone for not leaving, this episode provides crucial perspective. For those currently questioning their own relationships, it offers validation and recognition. And for everyone else, it serves as a reminder that abuse doesn't announce itself with violence - it sneaks in through charm, intensity, and moments of connection that make the red flags easier to dismiss.

The conversation beautifully illustrates how modern awareness around mental health and relationship dynamics provides tools previous generations lacked, while acknowledging there's still much work to be done in educating young people about healthy relationships. Listen as Emma Jean shares her story with courage and clarity, reminding us that understanding how people enter these relationships is the first step toward helping them find their way out.

Emma Jean’s 1in3 profile: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/emma-jean-rowin/

1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.

Support the show

If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.

Contact 1 in 3:

Thank you for listening and please remember to rate, review & subscribe!

Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe

Chapters

00:00 - Welcome to 1 in 3

01:22 - Emma Jean Reads from "When Things Collapse"

13:47 - Red Flags vs. Normal Relationship Behavior

19:51 - Searching for Intensity After Loveless Examples

24:39 - The Psychology Behind Staying

29:38 - Modern Awareness and Moving Forward

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:00.119 --> 00:00:02.084
Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.

00:00:02.084 --> 00:00:03.306
I'm your host, ingrid.

00:00:03.306 --> 00:00:15.208
A comment I hear far too often is I would never be or stay in an abusive relationship, and while I truly hope that's the case, the reality is far more complex.

00:00:15.208 --> 00:00:25.446
Today, author Emma Jean Rowan reads a portion from her book when Things Collapse, followed by a discussion about the red flags we personally missed along the way.

00:00:25.446 --> 00:00:33.948
We also offer advice on how to spot the behaviors that should make you run, because recognizing those signs early can make all the difference.

00:00:33.948 --> 00:00:35.765
So let's dive in.

00:00:35.765 --> 00:00:37.625
Here's Emma Jean.

00:00:37.625 --> 00:00:43.844
Hi, emma Jean, welcome to One in Three.

00:00:43.844 --> 00:00:45.406
Thank you so much for joining me today.

00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:47.006
Hi thank you for having me.

00:00:47.006 --> 00:00:52.969
Okay, so you wrote a book titled when Things Collapse.

00:00:52.969 --> 00:00:58.453
Do you mind just giving a brief background before we get into what we want to talk about today?

00:00:58.659 --> 00:01:03.451
Sure, I'm Emma Jean Rowan and, as you said, I'm the author of when Things Collapse.

00:01:06.060 --> 00:01:25.975
Jean Rowan, and, as you said, I'm the author of when Things Collapse, 15 years ago, I took my two children and I left an abusive marriage, and during the 15 years that followed, I focused all my attention on rebuilding my life for my kids, making sure they were okay, making sure they were able to thrive the same as other children, and really just grappling my way through dealing with what I had exposed them to.

00:01:26.918 --> 00:01:41.144
Recently, though, I became an empty nester when my children went to college and I started to finally have the space to think about myself and what I had endured in my own experience in the abuse of marriage, and the story from there just poured from within me.

00:01:41.144 --> 00:02:11.549
My story starts in 2014, when I was grocery shopping with my kids and I got a call that my estranged ex-husband had become an active shooter, and from there I'm forced in the story to confront the truth of my past how I got into the relationship, the way that my husband changed from this idyllic partner spiraling into a doomsday prepper and an abusive spouse, and my journey to try to save my kids from that.

00:02:13.042 --> 00:02:14.769
And the book is very well written.

00:02:14.769 --> 00:02:22.247
I like how you go from present tense of what's happening and then you do a flashback as to how you got into the relationship.

00:02:22.247 --> 00:02:38.653
And I think that's really important in in these situations of domestic violence is to understand how anybody can end up in a relationship like this, and then what you do once you're in it and how you get out, and I love how you go through each of those steps and that's what we're going to do today.

00:02:38.734 --> 00:02:40.963
Right, you're going to take us through those steps.

00:02:41.144 --> 00:02:43.008
Yes, yes Thank you.

00:02:43.108 --> 00:02:49.086
So, yes, and I wrote it that way because I do think it's important to go backwards in time.

00:02:49.086 --> 00:02:58.512
When you look at an abusive situation, you may know a person who's going through abuse and you may have that part of the story.

00:02:58.512 --> 00:03:04.450
But I think if you go way back in time, there are a lot of things that you can draw ties to that.

00:03:04.450 --> 00:03:20.110
Maybe this led the person to accept this, or this piece of their childhood made them open to putting up with this kind of thing and maybe putting up is not the right terminology but allowed them to be comfortable with something that maybe other people wouldn't be comfortable with.

00:03:20.110 --> 00:03:31.895
And so I really want to talk today about the way into the relationship for me, the way out of the relationship for me, and then the aftermath, the way through all of the trauma afterwards.

00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:34.746
And that's fantastic.

00:03:34.746 --> 00:03:45.710
And I think it's really important too, because a lot of people will look at these relationships and say you know, if somebody hit me, I would never put up with that, I would be out of that relationship in a heartbeat.

00:03:45.710 --> 00:03:49.150
And the thing is it doesn't start with somebody just hit you.

00:03:49.150 --> 00:03:53.289
There's a very insidious process to get to that point.

00:03:53.491 --> 00:03:53.872
That's right.

00:03:53.872 --> 00:04:11.911
And one thing I say a lot in those circumstances, when I hear someone else maybe be judgmental of someone who has endured abuse and why didn't they leave is it doesn't feel the same from the inside, that it feels to look at it from the outside, because you have all that context.

00:04:11.911 --> 00:04:37.920
So I like to think of it this way If you read in the paper that someone has a DUI and you see their name and you see the street they were driving on and the time they were pulled over and that they you know they were above the legal limit, then in your mind you have those facts and you say that person is a drunk driver and they're a bad person and maybe they're a drunk or something, and you cast a judgment based on those things.

00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:54.942
Whereas, let's say, I have a friend who calls me and says oh my gosh, last night I had one too many and I thought I was okay to drive and I luckily made it home, but I think I had had too many and I really need to watch that.

00:04:55.221 --> 00:05:02.324
With all of that context, I'm not judging that person right and we have forgiveness for people who we know.

00:05:02.324 --> 00:05:08.228
We give grace to people we know An abusive relationship is much the same.

00:05:08.228 --> 00:05:16.071
You have all of this wonderful history with the person and it gives you the space to give them grace.

00:05:16.071 --> 00:05:24.083
But for those of us who stay in these relationships, maybe there is a reason that we for some reason gave them more grace relationships.

00:05:24.083 --> 00:05:30.134
Maybe there is a reason that we for some reason gave them more grace, or maybe maybe there's a little bit of brainwashing or we're in the haze of survival mode.

00:05:30.194 --> 00:05:34.841
It's it's much more complicated than the black and white of it.

00:05:34.841 --> 00:05:35.802
I completely agree.

00:05:35.802 --> 00:05:37.483
So so take us there.

00:05:38.024 --> 00:05:48.636
Take us to how you got in it, okay, I'm going to read a passage from early in the book, and this is a scene I'm setting up where I have just begun.

00:05:48.636 --> 00:05:56.622
To date, alec Maybe I'm a few months in, so this is chapter three.

00:05:56.622 --> 00:06:00.831
Despite his enamored treatment of me, alec reveals an easily tripped trigger.

00:06:00.831 --> 00:06:11.665
Three times in the first four months of our relationship he abruptly breaks up with me over very minor disagreements Once over a bartender giving me a free beer after botching another person's order.

00:06:11.665 --> 00:06:22.343
Once when we disagree about the theme of Casablanca during our Best Picture movie marathon phase and another time after what Dee and I later refer to as the night of the Coke grenade.

00:06:23.305 --> 00:06:28.000
The Coke grenade occurs on an unseasonably warm night in October.

00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:34.625
Walking home from a party at the 4th Street, sigma Chi House, dee, alec and I stop at Hardee's for a late night snack.

00:06:34.625 --> 00:06:39.261
It's a long walk through the hills of town and when the Monster Burger calls you answer.

00:06:39.261 --> 00:06:49.468
As the three of us trudge from our meal, sluggish and intoxicated in the heat, dee asks me if I've ever heard of the new nickname Alec has earned with the sorority girls in her house.

00:06:49.468 --> 00:06:51.129
No, tell me.

00:06:51.129 --> 00:06:51.870
I demand.

00:06:51.870 --> 00:06:53.290
Can I tell her?

00:06:53.290 --> 00:06:53.672
Holt?

00:06:53.672 --> 00:06:54.651
She asks.

00:06:54.651 --> 00:06:57.293
He grins I don't want to be embarrassed.

00:06:57.293 --> 00:06:59.475
Oh, come on, you have to tell me now.

00:06:59.475 --> 00:07:03.701
I say jostling Dee by her shoulders, she obliges.

00:07:03.701 --> 00:07:10.528
Instead of Holtman, she says they call him Hottie man Dee and I stop in our tracks, doubled over in laughter.

00:07:10.528 --> 00:07:18.213
Hottie man, we point at Alec, cackling Alec holds up both hands, attempting to put a good-humored halt to our mockery.

00:07:18.213 --> 00:07:26.915
Oh, holt Dee says, don't be embarrassed, they call me Dirty Dee after all, and it's better than what I would nickname you Dolt man.

00:07:27.841 --> 00:07:38.490
I snort and Alex's grin suddenly melts as he pans slowly from me to Dee and, without hesitation, hurls his extra large, full plastic Hardee's cup at Dee with all his force.

00:07:38.490 --> 00:07:50.867
It hits her like a shot to her torso from just a few feet away, saturating her white crop top and khaki miniskirt and leaving a rosy cup-sized sting mark on her exposed stomach.

00:07:50.867 --> 00:07:57.848
Dee looks down at herself in astonishment, brown cola dripping like muddy raindrops from her hair, chin and fingers.

00:07:57.848 --> 00:07:59.793
Holt, what the hell?

00:07:59.793 --> 00:08:02.744
Alex stands expressionless and unaffected.

00:08:02.744 --> 00:08:07.613
Don't make fun of my name ever again, he says in a subdued, matter-of-fact tone.

00:08:07.613 --> 00:08:11.589
I close my mouth, realizing it's been a gape this whole time.

00:08:11.589 --> 00:08:13.745
Alec, you can't do that.

00:08:13.745 --> 00:08:14.963
I'm so sorry, dee.

00:08:14.963 --> 00:08:19.153
I grovel as I squat down, attempting to wipe her legs with my bare hands.

00:08:19.153 --> 00:08:23.891
Dee lays hands on both my shoulders, forming a two-person crouched huddle with me.

00:08:23.891 --> 00:08:29.468
It's okay, babe, she whispers, her eyelashes beaded with brown droplets.

00:08:29.468 --> 00:08:31.392
He's drunk, just go home.

00:08:31.392 --> 00:08:32.601
I'm okay, I promise.

00:08:32.601 --> 00:08:35.008
She says earnestly, but with a side of pity.

00:08:35.008 --> 00:08:37.533
My face flushes with humiliation.

00:08:37.533 --> 00:08:39.162
I can't believe he did this.

00:08:39.162 --> 00:08:41.066
Are you sure you're okay, I ask.

00:08:41.066 --> 00:08:44.511
She nods, giving me a quick squeeze before we part ways.

00:08:44.511 --> 00:08:51.793
She heads up the hill to her apartment complex I forgive you, holt, she yells from a distance when she is nearly out of sight.

00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:59.764
Alec and I walk home in quiet tension the rest of the way to my apartment where we are set to hole up and watch the deer hunter.

00:08:59.764 --> 00:09:06.107
Tonight, I hold my shoulders stiffly in protest as we stride, careful not to let my hand brush his.

00:09:06.107 --> 00:09:10.971
As I move, I feel humiliated and I can taste the disappointment in my fixed jaw.

00:09:10.971 --> 00:09:16.673
As we approach my front door, he stops in his tracks, announcing casually I'm heading home.

00:09:16.673 --> 00:09:18.602
Oh really why?

00:09:18.602 --> 00:09:21.792
I ask in a petulant tone, rolling my eyes.

00:09:21.792 --> 00:09:24.782
Because I don't have time for this bullshit and this is a good time in my life to be single.

00:09:24.782 --> 00:09:25.091
He says, pursing his lips, not meeting my eyes.

00:09:25.091 --> 00:09:26.394
Because I don't have time for this bullshit and this is a good time in my life to be single.

00:09:26.394 --> 00:09:29.157
He says, pursing his lips, not meeting my eyes.

00:09:29.157 --> 00:09:30.717
Are you kidding me?

00:09:30.717 --> 00:09:32.403
This breakup shit again.

00:09:32.403 --> 00:09:33.687
I yell in outrage.

00:09:33.687 --> 00:09:35.312
My gut is on fire.

00:09:35.312 --> 00:09:39.024
I've had it with his impulsive reactions to any disagreement between us.

00:09:39.585 --> 00:09:47.464
He stands silent and smug and then turns striding away from me up the walk as casually as if he were heading out to retrieve the mail.

00:09:47.464 --> 00:09:50.634
Try not to throw anything at anyone on your way home.

00:09:50.634 --> 00:09:52.981
I yell as he disappears around the corner.

00:09:52.981 --> 00:10:03.525
Like our previous breakups, the action is swift and unexpected, and Alex's reticence to stick with it over the next few days is revealed through a total halt in all communication.

00:10:03.525 --> 00:10:15.489
This time I resolved to make him come crawling back to me, so Dee and I avoid the evening keg parties the entire weekend, staying in at the Sigma Kappa house with wine and Biore strips instead.

00:10:15.489 --> 00:10:29.028
But eventually an impossible to miss invitation to see Jesse's band at the 12th street house lures us out and we make our way there, knowing a run-in with Alec is inevitable and just like a record that has started to skip.

00:10:29.028 --> 00:10:33.948
The moment Alec and I lock eyes, dress purposely in our most irresistible outfits.

00:10:33.948 --> 00:10:37.440
The needle is set right again and our song plays on.

00:10:40.583 --> 00:10:43.547
That is so.

00:10:43.547 --> 00:10:59.710
It just goes to show that their behavior isn't necessarily tolerated right off the bat, that there is a point where the victim will try to correct their behavior or point out that something is inappropriate.

00:10:59.710 --> 00:11:07.000
Yes, but then that also shows that he's already using those tactics of okay, well, we're going to break up.

00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:11.051
Then, if you're going to be mad at me about this or you know, call me out on it.

00:11:11.312 --> 00:11:13.145
Yes, I call that going big.

00:11:13.145 --> 00:11:33.269
You know it's a smokescreen really that I can't disagree with you and this continued to be the way we sort of danced around each other all through into our marriage and through the marriage I couldn't really disagree about things that you should be allowed to have your own opinion on, because he would go big every time.

00:11:33.269 --> 00:11:37.720
At some point he did stop breaking up with me because we got married, obviously.

00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:45.043
But if you really look at this chapter, this is for me, looking back a big red flag.

00:11:45.043 --> 00:11:47.549
Now this was happening in the 90s.

00:11:47.549 --> 00:11:54.741
We didn't have the term red flag or we didn't use it this way, and I think it's really healthy that now, in our culture, we do that.

00:11:54.741 --> 00:11:59.913
I don't know if you've seen the flag guy on Instagram.

00:12:00.299 --> 00:12:01.724
With a giant red shirt.

00:12:01.884 --> 00:12:09.740
Yes, I love him, I love him, I do too I think he's doing a great thing for our culture because you've got a man who is calling out.

00:12:09.740 --> 00:12:21.933
I mean, he does handle both sexes, not equally but you've got a man who is often calling out other men on their toxic behavior.

00:12:21.933 --> 00:12:25.570
We didn't have anything like that in the 90s, right?

00:12:25.570 --> 00:12:38.447
If something were to happen like this, your boyfriend would be backed up by all of the other guys, all of his fraternity brothers and maybe even some of your friends would go easy on him and there was a lot of excuse making.

00:12:38.447 --> 00:12:39.960
And I know that still happens.

00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:46.923
I know that still is the case, um, but I do think that now we're calling out what, what this is, and these are red flags.

00:12:47.264 --> 00:12:55.184
So this is a person who has never hurt me at this point in the relationship, but ultimately he's he's throwing something.

00:12:55.184 --> 00:12:57.107
He's he's leaving a mark on my friend.

00:12:57.107 --> 00:13:00.854
He's leaving a mark on my friend, he's showing signs of abuse with my friend.

00:13:00.854 --> 00:13:15.292
And now, at my age, or as a healed person, I wouldn't get past this date with this person, no matter how much history we had or that we had already said I love you and those things.

00:13:15.292 --> 00:13:19.831
But as the unhealed version of myself, I was open to this.

00:13:19.831 --> 00:13:23.730
I was clinging to wanting to be with someone.

00:13:23.730 --> 00:13:34.419
I was clinging to really the idyllic idea of who he was when I met him, and everything is usually very positive in the beginning of these relationships, right?

00:13:34.419 --> 00:13:39.528
So if you cling to the beginning of relationships and that's all.

00:13:39.528 --> 00:13:48.091
You go on, then you're ignoring all kinds of behavior along the way that you really need to cue yourself, whether or not this should be long-term or not.

00:13:49.840 --> 00:13:52.748
Yes, and I'm of the same era.

00:13:52.748 --> 00:13:55.423
I'm of the Monster Burger era, walking home from the bars.

00:13:55.443 --> 00:13:56.908
We'd hit up parties all the time.

00:13:59.321 --> 00:14:01.626
But yeah, you're absolutely right.

00:14:01.626 --> 00:14:05.062
It was also in the 90s for me and there were no red flags.

00:14:05.062 --> 00:14:06.066
You didn't know what that was.

00:14:06.066 --> 00:14:11.485
But I think what's really important too is this was not the first time he broke up with you.

00:14:11.485 --> 00:14:13.048
Yes, Right, yes.

00:14:13.048 --> 00:14:25.332
And so when you start to notice because when people are drinking there can be disagreements, emotions are at a high, so sometimes it's difficult to determine okay, is this a real red flag or is this just normal behavior?

00:14:25.332 --> 00:14:30.511
But when you pair things with repetitive behavior, that's bad behavior.

00:14:30.511 --> 00:14:34.269
That's when you can say these are definitely red flags.

00:14:34.629 --> 00:14:35.010
That's right.

00:14:35.312 --> 00:14:47.436
That's right, and I will tell you this Prior to this, the other times that he had broken up with me, I am sure that I can remember saying to myself that's it, that's it, if he's done this enough times.

00:14:47.875 --> 00:14:53.239
But I think there was a voice within me that was really sad, was really hurt.

00:14:53.239 --> 00:15:00.897
I am an empathic person and I was a sensitive person all the way back to being a toddler.

00:15:00.897 --> 00:15:03.384
I just was one of those more sensitive natured people.

00:15:03.384 --> 00:15:30.076
I'm a very emotional person and I think the hurt and the rejection that I felt was something that even if I was saying I'm not putting up with this and my words were bigger than what I felt inside, because really what I wanted was for him to turn around and say and reconcile it and say, oh, I don't really mean that, because I was absorbing that as an insult to myself rather than using it as a way to judge and critique him.

00:15:30.076 --> 00:15:40.972
And that is a real internal problem that I see in a lot of younger, sensitive or um, or insecure people.

00:15:40.972 --> 00:15:49.990
Everything is being read to take it internally instead of judging the person and how they're treating them.

00:15:51.341 --> 00:15:51.782
Oh my gosh.

00:15:51.782 --> 00:16:02.533
Yes, and I think it's really important for people to understand that if somebody is going to use I'm going to break up with you as a punishment, you need to realize that has nothing to do with me.

00:16:02.533 --> 00:16:10.006
He's not breaking up with me, or he or she is not breaking up with me because I'm a bad person or I'm not enough.

00:16:10.006 --> 00:16:14.711
They're doing it because that's an issue that they have themselves.

00:16:14.711 --> 00:16:15.131
That's right.

00:16:15.299 --> 00:16:25.034
Actually, the next paragraph that I didn't tack onto this is Alec never explains himself after our reconciliations, nor does he acknowledge what has caused him to flip the switch.

00:16:25.034 --> 00:16:32.461
But my intuition tells me each time that it has much more to do with his past and extraordinarily little to do with me.

00:16:32.461 --> 00:16:38.594
So I understood that, but I think I almost took it, as this isn't an insult to me.

00:16:38.594 --> 00:16:43.373
This is something that I should feel sorry for him about or that you could fix.

00:16:43.373 --> 00:16:44.615
That I could fix.

00:16:45.057 --> 00:16:47.827
Yes, right, yes, and I think that was my problem.

00:16:47.827 --> 00:16:57.312
And you know my career, I'm a nurse practitioner, so you know I like to help people and fix things, so I'm a fixer.

00:16:57.312 --> 00:17:07.332
But yeah, those are definitely things that within you you start to question like, well, that might be them, but what can I do to help them?

00:17:07.551 --> 00:17:14.901
Yeah, with, that, yes, it's an if you have a nurturing heart, and I think that that's true for a lot of women especially.

00:17:14.901 --> 00:17:16.603
Of course there are lots of men.

00:17:16.603 --> 00:17:26.296
My husband has a nurturing heart, and I think, for women especially though, we are programmed to have these maternal instincts right.

00:17:26.296 --> 00:17:36.140
We're programmed to love unconditionally our children and protect them and heal them, and sometimes I think that bleeds into our relationships.

00:17:36.361 --> 00:17:51.593
And I had a therapist tell me when I was young and I should have listened I actually was in counseling because one of the times that Alec had broken up with me I was so deeply sad that I had to go into counseling so that I could get back to class and get past it.

00:17:51.593 --> 00:18:02.736
And one of the things that she had told me is that we don't, we should not, have unconditional love for our romantic relationships.

00:18:02.736 --> 00:18:05.204
That you know, you'll hear songs about.

00:18:05.204 --> 00:18:10.247
You know people loving their partner unconditionally, but actually that's very dangerous.

00:18:10.247 --> 00:18:29.372
Unconditional love should be reserved for children and parents and family members and you know, maybe some friends if they've become like family but that for a spouse or a partner we have to always be conditional because otherwise we're not putting boundaries in place.

00:18:29.372 --> 00:18:33.590
Otherwise we're not pushing back and we're training them that they can treat us any way that they like.

00:18:34.921 --> 00:18:37.710
I was just about to say unconditional equals no boundaries.

00:18:37.710 --> 00:18:38.039
Yes.

00:18:38.582 --> 00:18:41.329
Yes, and that's such a slippery slope.

00:18:41.329 --> 00:18:42.092
It really is.

00:18:43.342 --> 00:18:47.136
I think another thing I wanted to bring up is that you were in your 20s.

00:18:47.136 --> 00:18:55.523
You were in college when this was happening, and that's a very impressionable age and it's a very difficult age to still maneuver.

00:18:55.523 --> 00:19:05.579
Yes, you may have had relationships in high school, but they're not adult relationships and they're not you're living on your own and you're in charge of yourself kind of relationships.

00:19:05.579 --> 00:19:14.653
So this is like your first adult relationship and it's hard to determine also, then, what is normal, what's not normal.

00:19:14.653 --> 00:19:19.211
Is this just a regular part of a relationship?

00:19:19.211 --> 00:19:23.442
Is this what everybody is experiencing or is this something that's out of the ordinary?

00:19:23.804 --> 00:19:32.407
Yes, absolutely, and I think I did look around at that time and I did see that there was a difference between other girls and me.

00:19:32.407 --> 00:19:37.388
I would see girls with their boyfriends who maybe things weren't as intense and exciting as my relationship, but I could see that they weren't having the problems I was.

00:19:37.388 --> 00:19:42.707
I could see that they weren't as intense and exciting as my relationship, but I could see that they weren't having the problems I was.

00:19:42.707 --> 00:19:46.550
I could see that they weren't crying regularly like I was.

00:19:46.550 --> 00:19:53.446
And I remember one of my girlfriends saying to me one time it's not normal to cry every week about your relationship.

00:19:53.446 --> 00:19:55.627
I didn't really understand that.

00:19:55.627 --> 00:19:57.287
I don't think I really believed that.

00:19:57.420 --> 00:20:05.246
Now I'm in a very, very healthy marriage and have been for over a decade, and I can see exactly what they mean.

00:20:05.246 --> 00:20:07.559
Now I'm not upset in this relationship.

00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:14.424
I'm very happy and it would be an exception for us to have a disagreement that led me to have such grief.

00:20:14.424 --> 00:20:18.230
I can't even really think of when that has happened.

00:20:18.230 --> 00:20:22.711
Not that things are perfect, but we deal with things in a healthy way.

00:20:22.711 --> 00:20:27.351
This wasn't my first abusive relationship.

00:20:27.351 --> 00:20:32.682
This is the one that took me the furthest and to the furthest damage, but prior to this.

00:20:32.682 --> 00:20:51.393
I had had two to three other very toxic, very intense boyfriends who did things that my girlfriends were concerned about and I just wasn't able to recognize it.

00:20:51.393 --> 00:21:02.615
Maybe I did recognize it because I was looking around and seeing that it wasn't this way for everyone, but maybe I just didn't love myself enough to understand that I deserved better.

00:21:02.615 --> 00:21:13.888
And that's one of the big ways into a relationship that's unhealthy and abusive like this is to not understand loving yourself.

00:21:14.951 --> 00:21:17.669
Yeah, and I remember being in college and I was single for quite a while and everybody else around me was coupling up.

00:21:17.669 --> 00:21:25.791
I remember being in college and I was single for quite a while and everybody else around me was coupling up and you know I was kind of thinking like, well, what's wrong with me?

00:21:25.791 --> 00:21:27.867
How come I haven't found somebody yet?

00:21:27.867 --> 00:21:32.791
And I actually had someone tell me well, you're setting your standards too high.

00:21:32.791 --> 00:21:34.306
And that stuck with me.

00:21:34.306 --> 00:21:39.767
And so I was like you know, I guess I am, so let me lower your standards.

00:21:39.767 --> 00:21:43.665
And I just want to say that is not okay.

00:21:43.665 --> 00:21:46.590
If you have standards, stick to them.

00:21:46.590 --> 00:21:49.962
If people aren't measuring up to them, there's a reason for that.

00:21:50.502 --> 00:21:51.505
Absolutely.

00:21:51.505 --> 00:22:06.873
And if friends of your boyfriend or your spouse are sticking up for them or your friends are telling you you're making too big of a deal, you have to use your own barometer and say, no, this isn't, this isn't good enough.

00:22:06.873 --> 00:22:09.328
And I think that's another problem that I had at that age.

00:22:09.328 --> 00:22:19.330
I didn't have a a really structured set of values for what I wanted, what I deserved in a relationship and what I shouldn't put up with.

00:22:19.330 --> 00:22:23.623
And my parents had a troubled marriage.

00:22:23.623 --> 00:22:39.344
It was not abusive, it was quiet, it was loveless and it really it taught me this is not what I want, but it didn't give me an example of anything that I should look towards, and my parents also.

00:22:39.523 --> 00:22:40.748
You know this was again.

00:22:40.748 --> 00:22:41.470
This was the 90s.

00:22:41.470 --> 00:22:46.607
It was less frequent to be divorced and I don't fault my mother for that.

00:22:46.607 --> 00:22:48.385
I don't fault my father for that.

00:22:48.385 --> 00:22:51.474
They were in that era of it's best to stay together for the kids.

00:22:51.474 --> 00:22:59.054
That's a nice sentiment, but in practice it sets your child up to have no roadmap for where to go.

00:22:59.054 --> 00:23:09.133
I knew I didn't want something like their marriage, so I was seeking intensity and it was putting me in a lot of hot water to do that.

00:23:10.599 --> 00:23:10.901
That was.

00:23:10.901 --> 00:23:15.010
I knew there were a lot of parallels that I drew with myself and your story.

00:23:15.010 --> 00:23:16.261
That same for me.

00:23:16.261 --> 00:23:35.261
My parents actually divorced my freshman year of college and I remember, prior to going home and learning about them planning to separate, just that Friday or before whatever I left, I was telling my roommate I'm like, yeah, my parents have been married and they have such a great marriage and blah, blah, blah.

00:23:35.261 --> 00:23:36.923
But it was the same thing.

00:23:36.923 --> 00:23:40.851
It was just very there was no intensity to it.

00:23:40.851 --> 00:23:41.875
There was just kind of nothing.

00:23:41.875 --> 00:23:50.656
It was like everybody was just coexisting is what the relationship was, and I never thought that I was probably looking for some intensity.

00:23:50.656 --> 00:23:53.693
But now that you mention it, maybe that's what I was looking for too.

00:23:53.994 --> 00:23:59.513
Sure, and it became almost addictive to me, right, because I didn't see that growing up in my home.

00:23:59.513 --> 00:24:06.038
You know, I saw these really, really lukewarm interactions between my parents.

00:24:06.038 --> 00:24:07.713
You know the kiss goodbye every morning.

00:24:07.713 --> 00:24:21.394
And again, I'm not faulting my parents, I think they did the best they could and I also think people married very young then and maybe didn't know enough about themselves to choose a partner that was going to maybe be the best lasting love down the road.

00:24:21.913 --> 00:24:36.590
But that intensity when it was applied to me, it felt so addictive, just because I think I had craved to see something like that between my parents and to see a display of love.

00:24:36.590 --> 00:24:54.259
And so for me, I think I was probably looking at what you see on TV and what you read in books, which is not it's not always healthy, right, the stories that we read, you know, I mean, you see, even now in these fantasy novels, I love to read those, but it's not always healthy dynamics.

00:24:54.259 --> 00:25:04.897
They happen to pan out in the end because it's fiction and the writer can do whatever they want, but a lot of these enemies to lovers stories probably would not pan out that way in the end.

00:25:04.978 --> 00:25:12.988
Right, there are red flags there, right, yeah, and as adults or as women who have gone through what we've gone through, we can see that.

00:25:12.988 --> 00:25:21.253
But then when you have adolescents you know teenagers or college age students reading these, they think they normalize it.

00:25:21.413 --> 00:25:25.594
Yes, normal behavior yes absolutely it's and you know it's just not healthy.

00:25:25.594 --> 00:25:34.815
But again, if you have no other roadmap for how you should be treated and for what to walk away from, then you're just kind of out there on your own.

00:25:34.815 --> 00:25:37.595
And in this case I was 21 years old.

00:25:37.595 --> 00:25:39.451
I just didn't know enough.

00:25:39.451 --> 00:25:41.952
I just didn't know enough to walk away.

00:25:41.952 --> 00:25:45.337
I was just I was writing my own handbook, enough, I just didn't know enough to walk away.

00:25:45.337 --> 00:25:52.836
I was just I was writing my own handbook and I think a lot of it was based on this guy being good looking and sort of the, the package of him.

00:25:52.836 --> 00:26:03.588
You know what I, what I liked about the traits about him very smart, very, um, charismatic and I was clinging to those things and and not putting enough weight on how he was treating me, how he was treating my friends.

00:26:05.070 --> 00:26:09.819
And the other thing is that you had mentioned when you first met him, there's all these people around him that just adored him.

00:26:09.819 --> 00:26:13.955
Yes, so then you think you know if he's a bad guy, all these people wouldn't like him.

00:26:13.955 --> 00:26:32.711
But the thing about abusers is they only surround themselves with people who do believe their story or fall into their charisma, who do believe their story or fall into their charisma, and if somebody doesn't, if somebody's questioning it, they don't necessarily get mad at them, but they might just.

00:26:32.711 --> 00:26:33.794
I'm not going to hang out with that person anymore.

00:26:33.794 --> 00:26:35.597
They see right through my facade here.

00:26:35.597 --> 00:26:44.865
So of course, they're going to be surrounded by adoration, because that's what they do, sure, and I think they slowly phase those people out, right.

00:26:44.925 --> 00:26:57.189
And so in this case he was a really, really intelligent guy and if you had looked at all the fraternities at my school, there was an academic fraternity where he could have probably fit right in.

00:26:57.189 --> 00:27:02.588
Instead he was in this different type of fraternity where they were kind of party animals.

00:27:02.588 --> 00:27:12.751
A lot of them were on drugs, nobody was academic, but I think it made him a big fish in a small pond and I am not going to say that I know for sure he was a narcissist at that time.

00:27:12.751 --> 00:27:20.146
Clearly, when you read the book you'll see that there are these other kind of comorbid mental illnesses that come into play much later.

00:27:20.146 --> 00:27:31.017
But looking back, knowing now what I have read about narcissists, I do think there was a lot of grandiosity with him that I didn't have the terminology for.

00:27:31.017 --> 00:27:33.692
I didn't know to steer away from that at that age.

00:27:35.096 --> 00:27:59.476
And even now, even though there are all of these labels and, you know, there's all the social media awareness of these personality traits and the red flags, even then there's still not really a lot of actual direct education for youth to be aware of what to watch out for and what traits and relationships are concerning and not okay.

00:27:59.476 --> 00:28:13.888
So I think that's one thing that we could probably do better with is, you know, starting an education at a younger age as to what is not okay, what is normal, what's not okay, what you need to go away from.

00:28:14.130 --> 00:28:14.730
Absolutely.

00:28:14.730 --> 00:28:16.114
I think that's really true.

00:28:16.114 --> 00:28:19.025
I know there are some programs, you know like.

00:28:19.025 --> 00:28:32.756
I used to coach for girls on the run when my daughter was young and a lot of that was about sort of handling your own emotions and teaching girls to be positive and to not put up with bullying and not to bully.

00:28:32.756 --> 00:28:38.395
But there is a little bit in that they dabble in, you know, not letting yourself be treated poorly.

00:28:38.395 --> 00:28:40.512
We didn't have any of that when I was growing up.

00:28:40.512 --> 00:28:43.478
It's just that wasn't a thing, that just wasn't.

00:28:43.685 --> 00:28:45.071
Our parents didn't even know where we were.

00:28:47.204 --> 00:28:48.448
Absolutely not.

00:28:48.448 --> 00:28:53.787
I mean, we didn't have cell phones and we weren't educating ourselves on mental health.

00:28:53.787 --> 00:28:56.553
You know, I know it's oh gosh.

00:28:56.553 --> 00:29:02.834
You know there's so many TikTok experts and so many Instagram experts and people really kind of laugh at that.

00:29:02.834 --> 00:29:06.685
But I have learned a lot through through.

00:29:06.685 --> 00:29:15.854
You know, some of those are, some of those are really, I think, valuable experts who do know what they're talking about and I'm just in those little snippets and those reels.

00:29:15.854 --> 00:29:24.353
I've learned a lot of things about narcissists and about toxic behavior that I didn't really understand before when I was, when I was up against it.

00:29:25.244 --> 00:29:30.217
Yeah, and even if some of it's not accurate, it's at least opening the door for conversation.

00:29:30.217 --> 00:29:54.464
And that's what I love about today is that mental health is more normal, like therapy is normal now, and when I was growing up it was kind of a well, there's something wrong with you if you have to go see a therapist or, you know, if there was a big traumatic event, then of course it was understandable that, okay, of course you have to go talk to somebody about this, but you know, just, I'm feeling anxious.

00:29:54.464 --> 00:29:59.597
That wasn't something that you could go talk about.

00:30:00.545 --> 00:30:05.873
Imagine what your parents would have said if you said, I'm really anxious and I need to go see a therapist.

00:30:05.973 --> 00:30:13.699
I mean it just it was a different time, but you know that stuff is really valuable now and my gosh, I mean I, every child.

00:30:13.699 --> 00:30:16.509
You know, my husband and I have a blended family of five.

00:30:16.509 --> 00:30:20.625
Every child in this family has been sent to therapy for one thing or another.

00:30:20.625 --> 00:30:22.648
And it's us saying you know, just go talk to someone.

00:30:22.648 --> 00:30:23.730
There's no reason not to.

00:30:23.730 --> 00:30:27.097
What you learn in therapy you'll never unlearn.

00:30:27.218 --> 00:30:32.557
It's not like exercise, where you lose the gains, you keep them and you get better and better and you build on it.

00:30:32.557 --> 00:30:39.467
And it's a valuable resource that we just didn't use enough, when you know when I was going through this.

00:30:39.467 --> 00:30:49.515
But that's also why I wanted to write my book in a way that I didn't just tell the story of the abuse and when the abuse happened and how horrific that is.

00:30:49.515 --> 00:31:18.454
I know that part is it's juicy and it's interesting to people from the outside, but it's really important to me through this book that the people I'm reaching can see themselves in it or can see someone they know and love in it and can see themselves in those early parts before the violence or the verbal abuse began, because there are so many common threads between victimized women and victimized men.

00:31:18.454 --> 00:31:27.375
There are a lot of little things, a lot of little seeds planted that happen long before we endure the abuse.

00:31:29.038 --> 00:31:30.788
There are, and I think it's really great.

00:31:30.788 --> 00:31:43.494
Even if you don't know somebody that's going through it or you aren't somebody that's going through it, it at least gives you a little bit more of an understanding and perhaps compassion for those, and it's not so black and white like I would have left that relationship.

00:31:43.494 --> 00:31:46.772
I don't understand why that person is putting up with it for so long.

00:31:46.772 --> 00:31:57.272
So I think that you did a good job about explaining how you get pulled into these kinds of relationships and I really liked our conversation going into that further.

00:31:57.272 --> 00:32:06.065
So we're going to end our episode today, but you're going to be back next week with, like, what happens when you get out.

00:32:06.065 --> 00:32:06.928
Yes, I'll be.

00:32:07.008 --> 00:32:08.089
I'll be speaking today.

00:32:08.089 --> 00:32:13.915
I spoke about the way into the relationship for me, and then, next episode, I'll be speaking about the way out for me.

00:32:14.637 --> 00:32:16.884
Okay, all right, so we'll be back next week.

00:32:16.884 --> 00:32:22.266
I would like to say thank you again to Emma Jean for joining me today and thank you for listening.

00:32:22.266 --> 00:32:23.516
I have included the link to Emma Jean's one in three profile.

00:32:23.516 --> 00:32:24.000
Thank you for listening.

00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:26.970
I have included the link to Emma Jean's one in three profile in the show notes.

00:32:26.970 --> 00:32:33.510
I will be back next week, as Emma Jean returns, to once again discuss and read an excerpt from her book.

00:32:33.510 --> 00:32:34.953
When things collapse.

00:32:34.953 --> 00:32:42.973
Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.

00:32:42.973 --> 00:32:50.394
Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website oneandthreepodcastcom.

00:32:50.394 --> 00:32:52.727
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One in three is a 0.5 Pinoy production music written and performed by Tim Crow.
Emma Jean Rowin Profile Photo

Emma Jean Rowin

Emma Jean Rowin is the author of When Things Collapse, a deeply personal memoir that chronicles her journey from a routine grocery shopping trip in 2014, when she received the shocking news that her estranged ex-husband had become an active shooter, to her path of confronting painful truths about her past. Emma’s story dives into her tumultuous relationship, from the idyllic beginnings to her husband's transformation into a doomsday prepper and abusive partner, as she fought to protect her five children and rebuild her life.

A Midwesterner at heart, Emma Jean spent 25 years in a fulfilling career in graphic design before returning to her true passion—writing. Now a full-time writer and mother of five, Emma spends her days juggling family life and managing the constant "switchboard" of her kids’ needs and communications. When she's not writing, you can find her practicing yoga, hiking, or psychoanalyzing everyone she meets.