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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
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I'm your host, ingrid.
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Today I'd like to introduce Antoinette Foxworthy.
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She's the author of the book no More.
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What I admire about Antoinette's experience with domestic violence is that she took her personal story and continued to do research into domestic violence.
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She then wrote a fictional story about Dr Anita Stone, an orthopedic surgeon who finds the strength to leave her abusive husband and what happens in the two weeks after she leaves.
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Her hope when writing no More was that it would open up awareness and conversation to this very serious, complicated and convoluted problem.
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Here is Antoinette.
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Hi Well, thank you for having me.
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Thank you so much for coming on.
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I'm very excited about this episode and the next two to follow.
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Well, I thought I'd get right into it about how this book no More got started.
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It was a homework assignment.
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I was in a writing class and the teacher asked us to write about something that changed our lives.
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It had to be three pages long and we had to read it aloud to the class.
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So I went home and I knew what I wanted to write, but I didn't want to tell my personal story.
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I didn't know the other students in the class.
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I wasn't ready to reveal my own situation in the class.
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I wasn't ready to reveal my own situation.
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So I went home and I made up the two characters, dr Anita Stone and her husband Daryl, and I wrote about a situation that was very similar to mine.
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And I wrote about the day OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder Really important time in people's lives, especially if they were in abusive relationships.
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So I wrote the three pages.
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I went back to the class and we had to read it aloud.
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And I read it and I got a lot of positive feedback.
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People were interested in the story.
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The instructor gave me a lot of positive feedback.
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So the following week we had another three pages to write.
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So the homework allowed me to continue on with the story.
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So I continued with the story and wrote three more pages.
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So I went to the class, I read it aloud and again I got such really positive feedback.
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So I had six pages done and the following week we had a different homework assignment.
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So I did my homework assignment.
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But when I went to the class and I didn't read about Dr Stone and Daryl, the students were upset.
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They wanted to know what was going on.
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And that's when I really knew I had captured their attention and they wanted to hear more and I decided that that was the book I was going to write.
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I took several writing classes.
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I kept writing three pages at a time and then I actually hired the instructor and we met on a weekly basis and I continued to write and write.
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And then what happened is that she said she knew a publisher who she thought would publish the book.
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So I contacted the publisher.
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She was willing to publish the book but she said it had to be 65,000 words.
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Mine was 40,000 words, so I had to go back and write 25,000 more words.
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And I've been working on this for years and the problem with that is that I really wanted to focus on the first two weeks after Dr Stone left her husband, because a woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered in the first two weeks after leaving a domestic violent relationship than any other time in that relationship.
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It was a staggering statistics for me, so I continued writing, and writing, and writing, and then, finally, I finished my 65,000 words.
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I went back to the publisher and I said I'm done, I'm done, let's go publish it.
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And she said Well, you know, wait, wait a minute.
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The first thing I want you to do is I want you to make five copies of your book and I'm going to send it out to beta readers.
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These are readers who give you feedback about about whether it's readable, whether it hits a nerve, whether there's something that's missing.
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So I did what she asked.
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I made five copies and we sent it up to five beta readers, hoping that it would all be good and we would just publish it.
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Well, what happens is you start getting feedback from each of those beta readers.
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They have it for about two or three weeks, depending on how long they take, and they have a big red marking pin right Marking it up and telling you we don't understand this scene or this is great and your tense is wrong here, but a lot of really positive feedback.
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So as I started getting the feedback, I started making the minor changes to the book.
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But then what you realize you get different feedback from different people.
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As an example beta reader one loved the ending.
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Beta reader two thought the ending was too abrupt, so I didn't know what to do with that.
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So it's just one person's opinion, right, but these are people that are trained to evaluate books.
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So I started making some of the changes and then I got the feedback from beta reader five, beta reader five, wasader 5.
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Beta Reader 5 was a man and the publisher insisted that a man read the book and give me feedback and the first thing he said in his evaluation is that the conversations did not appear to be realistic, which threw me for a loop because the conversations were almost verbatim what I had with my abuser.
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So I thought, wow, he doesn't get it.
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And then he told me that no educated woman would be in this situation.
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It doesn't happen to people who have an education.
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That was like a huge gut punch for me huge.
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And I just took the manuscripts, I put them on the side of my desk and I thought I don't want to do this no-transcript.
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Figure out what was missing, what was missing in the book that he didn't understand, and I made some conclusions.
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So I decided that we all have things that mold us right, that mold the people we are.
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We all know about nature and nurture.
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You know nature, that our DNA tells us our eye color and whether we're prone to diseases, et cetera.
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Nurture if we're nurtured by a loving, supportive family, we're different than maybe if we're raised by an alcoholic people that abuse us.
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So we know that there's nature and nurture.
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But there was something else missing in the book and I thought well, what else defines us, what else makes us who we are?
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And I did some research and there are something called defining moments or qualifying events in people's lives that mold us.
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They can be simple, simple as your only child, and you're an only child, and then eight years later your parents have twins and so that changes the dynamic of that family situation and it changes you.
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It changes who you are.
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What happens if one of the twin has a serious illness, for example?
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It also changes you.
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Maybe you're more compassionate.
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These qualifying events, everybody has them.
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They could be going to a new school, you were bullied in school, your parents put you in a new school and all of a sudden you feel heard.
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So that could be a qualifying event.
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There's just so many things, but we all are molded by nature.
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Nurture, qualifying events.
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And then there is one other big thing that I think that happens especially with um, with people, and that is a catalyst?
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Um, it was.
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Who was it?
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Sir Isaac Newton who wrote the?
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He wrote in 1687, the laws of motion.
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So an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an external force.
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That's his exact quote.
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So I feel that's sort of the same way with people.
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We sort of go along, to go along, to go along, but then if something happens and changes us or pushes us or we then can make the changes we need to make, and that's called the catalyst.
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So I believe there is nature, nurture, qualifying events, and this catalyst.
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So I was rummaging through all that in my brain, thinking how am I going to add this to the book so that the Marvins, the beta readers, could understand?
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But I'd like to just take a minute and tell you how powerful these catalysts are.
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So this is a true story.
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I was in the emergency room with a broken right hand and I saw the doctor.
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The doctor said he had to leave and go consult with an orthopedic surgeon.
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So while he was gone, in walked a police officer.
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So I certainly hadn't called the police officer, but I quickly figured out that probably the doctor had a responsibility to call even though I hadn't told him what happened.
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He must have known.
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So the police officer asked me what happened and I lied to him.
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I didn't want to tell him because, unbeknownst to the police officer, my husband was in my car waiting in the parking lot with my infant daughter, because it was my right hand that was broken and I had a stick shift car so I couldn't drive.
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And he reluctantly agreed to take me to the hospital, but he was waiting for me.
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So I didn't tell the police officer what happened.
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And he said you know, if your husband did this it's a felony.
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And I didn't know that right, how would I know that?
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And this was not my first time in the emergency room?
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But no one had told me that before that before.
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But it still wasn't enough for me to give him the true story of what happened and what had happened.
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In 1994, the Violence Against Women Act made these injuries that were inflicted by my husband a felony now, where before maybe they were a misdemeanor, I don't really know.
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So the police officer decided he couldn't do anything to help me, so he decided to leave and as he was leaving the exam room he turned around and he said do you have children.
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And I said yes.
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And he said what example are you setting for your children?
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What example are you setting for your children?
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Just those words, what example am I setting for my children?
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Was the catalyst the catalyst that I've been talking about that gave me the strength that said I need to get out.
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I don't know how yet, but I need to get out for my children's sake.
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So that's a true story.
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Going back to the book, remember Marvin said it didn't happen to educated women.
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So what?
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I went back and I intertwined some flashbacks of what happened in Anita's life and Barbara's life and Daryl's life.
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That maybe helped mold them to the people they are, because we all have different learning experiences.
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And then I felt that I had something.
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I felt that even though one beta reader said they didn't like the ending and the other one said it was they loved the ending, I finally had to tell my story and I finished the book, went to the publisher and she said, yes, she would publish the story.
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My hope is that with adding these qualifying events and catalysts, that the Marvins of the world would better understand what happens in an abusive relationship.
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So maybe he could understand and maybe, just maybe, somebody who read no More.
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That might be their catalyst to finally figure out that they needed to get out.
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I finished the book.
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I then, when I had put the book on the side, I told you I had a bunch of cheerleaders who knew my story and kept asking me to write it.
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Please keep writing, please keep writing.
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And one of my best friends is my cheerleader, the person I called when I wanted to throw the manuscripts in the garbage, and she's an award-winning poet.
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And I said can you write a poem for my book?
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And she did.
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And I would like to read it because it's so significant and it says what I needed to say, but in so few words.
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So I'd like to read it.
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It was written by my friend Marilyn Dumanil and it's called Hidden Fire.
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Each morning, upon waking, anguish, waking with me, unshakable through the day, sharing my bed each night, my pillow wet with tears.
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Months grow into years, while paralyzed was I by painful words, stabbing, loss, absence, a gaping hole.
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One day, bolstered by a stranger's words, reminded I've a well of strength within Power to move.
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Move, though, dragging a weight of great magnitude.
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Move I must.
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Just a first step required, honoring the person I am.
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I move, trusting my inner strength, though petrified in the process.
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With slippery palms pounding heart, throat dry, whole body trembles.
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Difficult to speak the words that must be said out loud.
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Relief arrived as realization dawned.
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I'm on my journey, bound for the finish.
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No longer helpless but honoring fearlessly, I make the next step Now, knowing each step builds on confidence born of the first.
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As lava churns beneath volcanic craters then explodes in fiery spectacle, within each of us, spectacular strength awaits, burning to be tapped.
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I love that poem.
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When I went to start reading your book and I opened it to that page.
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It hit at such a perfect time for me with things that I have going on in my life, and when I read that I was like, oh, I am so excited to dive into this book, Thank you that.
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She really did nail every part of what you go through.
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I wanted to mention, when you were giving the backgrounds of the characters, what I really liked about it is there was a similarity to the three individuals and their backgrounds not identical backgrounds, but a similarity and I think that was so important because it doesn't give an excuse as to why you know the abuser turned out the way he did.
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Because, well, he had this background, because you have these other two characters who have similar things happen, and so I think that is really important to understand that just because you have a bad background doesn't give you this reason that you get to be a bad person.
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Thank you.
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Thank you, that was on purpose too, so I'm glad you got it.
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Yeah, yeah, I was like, wow, this is really cool because they end up dealing with their traumas completely different and growing into completely different people.
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And the other thing I wanted to mention is when you were saying the catalyst, it kind of pushes you into a different pathway.
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I think that is something that's really interesting too, because with therapy you have I don't know if you've heard of EMDR, but it's where they try to re it's like your brain diverts itself and it changes this path because you've had this traumatic experience and so then now you're going on living your life and then you have these triggers and you're not really understanding why something is triggering you in a way, because your brain has created this bypass to not really deal with it.
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And EMDR is a way to sort of try to reconnect some of those pathways.
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So I thought that was really interesting too, how you were mentioning getting pushed off your path.
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Thank you really going to do, and I know that is a big concern and I think that is a legitimate concern for a lot of victims as to.
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Well, I get this restraining order, then what?
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Right, right.
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And sometimes what I've read is it just irritates them so much more that you're in more danger.
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So it's a fine balance and I think every person has to figure out what's best and what's right for them, because what might really piss somebody off and then you're in more danger.
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You don't want to do that.
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I even said to the police officer well, sure, you could arrest him, but what happens when he gets out of custody?
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That's when it's going to be scary.
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Yes, and I actually I just did an episode where and this is not normal, but an episode where the wife had called in a domestic violence complaint against her husband he was arrested and he was already out on bond for something else and she thought she had some time, that he wouldn't get released right away.
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But he did.
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He got released right away and it unfortunately ended up in her death.
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So there are I know it's horrifying and there are those true stories.
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And that's not to say that people should stay in their abusive relationships but know what kind of a situation you're in and what is the safest route and safest path to take.
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It's very important people should stay in their abusive relationships but know what kind of a situation you're in and what is the safest route and safest path to take.
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It's very important and I love how you throw that statistic in there too, about the most dangerous time of the relationship is when you're leaving and when you've left.
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And I didn't realize that actual statistic.
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That's an insane statistic.
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That's an insane statistic.
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It's insane, yeah, and it's very, very scary.
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And we that are in domestic violence relationships we know it's a scary time, but I didn't realize that it's the most scary time 70 times more likely to be murdered in those two weeks than any other time in the relationship.
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And it's murdered.
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It's not just not attacked, it's murdered, yeah, yeah, and that's and that I do try to stress as often as I can is, if you were planning to leave, do it discreetly.
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So I also want to ask.
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So no more is out and it's published, and and it has been yes, but if someone were to want to get the book.
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Where can they get?
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So no More is out and it's published and it has been.
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But if someone were to want to get the book, where can they get it?
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They can get it on Amazon or they can contact me directly and I would be happy to send them an autographed copy if that's what they want.
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But you can get it on Amazon.
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I wanted to bring up a few points I thought of as I was editing this episode.
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I know Antoinette and I were discussing a fictional book, but one thing that stood out to me in this conversation was how the male beta reader, marvin, felt the story was unbelievable because an educated woman would never find herself in that situation.
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Well, I consider myself to be an educated woman and I am a domestic violence survivor.
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I have met and spoken with many other educated women who are survivors as well Men too.
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I would like to clarify that I'm using the term educated flippantly.
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As we all know, education comes in many forms, but it appears Marvin was perhaps using the degree of formal education to equate intelligence.
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Anyway, I realize society has come a long way over the last few years and this may not be as common of a belief now, but this statement is a reminder of what misconceptions and judgments there are still out there regarding domestic violence, victims and survivors.
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I mention this all the time, but domestic violence has no boundaries.
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I mention this all the time, but domestic violence has no boundaries.
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Any person, regardless of gender, socioeconomic status, level of formal education etc.
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Can be a victim.
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Marvin also had the comment regarding the conversations in the book and how they didn't seem realistic.
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I kind of can understand this one.
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After all, how many of us questioned our reality when we were living the nightmare?
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How many of us look back on our experience and find it hard to fathom those things were actually said or done?
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It's hard to believe, because humans should not treat other humans that way.
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This all boils down to exactly what one of Antoinette's goals was.
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In writing.
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No More.
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We need to speak up, talk about our domestic violence realities more and make sure our voices continue to be heard.
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I would like to thank Antoinette for taking the time to join me today and thank you for listening.
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The links to Antoinette's bio and how to buy her book are found in the show notes.
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I will be back next week with Antoinette as she reads some of her book.
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No More Until then.
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Stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.
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Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website onein3podcastcom.
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That's the number one I-N the number three podcastcom.
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Follow One in Three on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at One in Three Podcast To help me out.
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Please remember to rate, review and subscribe.
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1in3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.
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©.
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Transcript Emily Beynon.
