43-Confronting Domestic Violence: A. Garcia; Part 2

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Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3,.

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I'm your host, ingrid.

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Today I have part 2 of A Garcia's story.

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She describes the events following her escape, not only in the immediate aftermath, but how she continued, and still continues, to heal years out.

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And guess what?

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She is in true warrior mode and created a non-profit to help other victims of DB.

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She won't stop there, though, but don't take my word for it.

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Here is a Garcia again.

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Oh, my gosh, especially especially nowadays maybe back in our days not so much, but nowadays, yeah, so much.

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And I want to share a little bit more about my story, because it doesn't stop there, right?

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You would think it does, but it doesn't.

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So, navigating, post know, post, surviving a double attempted homicide, um, navigating, you know all of those, um, I can say, uncharted waters.

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Because let me rant for a moment that moment that he was put in handcuffs and taken away, Um, he was immediately transported, transported, he was immediately chauffeured to a place where there was light, heat, a bed, food delivered and nothing really to worry about other than who you're in the community with.

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Okay, For me and my eight-year-old and my unborn, I had to worry about where we were going to get food, how we were going to keep the lights on, Was I even going to be able to put gas in the car to get to doctor's appointments?

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I mean, it was like there was no.

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Here's what you need for essential living, living.

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The abuser got that, the criminal got that.

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Okay, While I'm in line begging for anything that I could possibly get to make sure that we had somewhere safe and something to nourish ourselves with.

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Okay, so fast forward.

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I did testify.

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By the way, it was the way you see this strong person, or you hear my voice and you feel like, oh man, that's a strong woman.

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Blah, blah, blah.

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And I couldn't even look at anybody.

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I was just facing downward and I was trying to share my story but I just couldn't because somehow he took my freaking voice away.

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When I saw him and I don't know how that happened, and thank goodness, the judge was like I've seen this too many times before, you know, but he was out in two and a half years.

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So for a double attempt to homicide, two and a half years out, to me that's nothing, that's still a slap on the hands, but thank goodness it wasn't two and a half hours that he got out, Okay.

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So obviously I've.

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You know, I've relocated several times in my life and I can say that you know moving out is, you know, just that it's a physical thing.

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Um, you can move a million times, but you live in your head no matter where you go.

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So it's very important that you keep your head space as clear of clutter as humanly possible so that you always have clarity around who you are and or who you are not.

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So your boundaries are moving and growing with you All right Now.

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Now here comes the crazy part.

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I'm going to fast forward about another seven, eight years from that incident.

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And here comes another knight in shining armor right.

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This time he wears the collar, this time he's in the community doing great things with the kids.

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He has a great career.

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He has a great career.

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He's, you know, just very well respected out there businessman professional blah, blah, blah all the great things right here.

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I am now going for my bachelor's.

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I'm, you know, almost in a career type path because I had to let all that go, obviously when you're fighting for your life.

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So now I'm collecting all these pieces and I'm finally putting it back together.

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And you know, here's a great person in my eyes and, trust me, they were serenading for almost two years before I even gave a wink of an eye.

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We were friends but it was serenading the whole time.

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Long story short, we ended up at the altar the only person I married in my entire life.

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And, oh my gosh, were we talking about narcissists in the beginning, about this like chipping away verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, you name it?

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It was chipped at every single area of my life that I thought and felt like driving off the cliff for a long time in my life.

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I can't not that long, cause we were not together for more than two and a half years after the whole thing that I do at the altar, because things started to unveil.

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You know, it takes time for narcissists to really show those colors and it takes a long time for the recipient to realize that that's what's happening and I was not clear on who I was.

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I was questioning who I was as a woman, questioning who I was as a parent, as a mother, as a wife, as you know.

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Even what down to work, you know, like, work is what, where I want it to be, where I want it to give my time, where I want it to give my best, where I want it to feel better about myself, you know, and, um, it was very unfortunate the way that, you know, the marriage ended because it was just another abusive relationship but disguised as the most beautiful thing that could have ever happened to.

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You know, a woman with my circumstances, right, I felt like I was preyed upon.

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I um, I believe, I'm convinced that I was preyed upon for many reasons.

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You know, a, I was that strong woman that you know had my stuff together, I didn't need nobody.

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So I was that challenge, you know.

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And then, when I was going through the divorce and read the previous divorce paperwork, I just felt like a protocol, I was a checklist.

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It was almost every single thing that the other wife, you know, had written in her statements and the things that happened in their marriage.

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It was almost identical.

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I said, oh my gosh, she could have did it for me.

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I could have paid her to do it for me.

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It was sick, so that was very eyeopening to me as well, and short, not too long after that.

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Let me back up, I'm sorry.

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In that marriage, which was very short lived no more than two and a half years, in that marriage, which was very short lived no more than two and a half years, I suffered because of the stress that I was dealing with.

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During that time I also suffered physically and I didn't know what those physical things were.

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And when I went to seek the medical attention, remember I told you I was choked and my hips were used during that fighting for my life situation.

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My neck was used as a kickstand while my feet were used to thrust my hips up in the air.

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I had to have four surgeries, one on my neck and three on my hips.

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So the long-term effects of what you go through from abuse physically, mentally, spiritually, financially all of these things is truly lifelong and it's really about how you cope with it and what you do about it.

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So while I'm dealing with this narcissist, I'm over here now recovering from my physical things from this other relationship, while I'm thinking that I worked through that and I've gotten over it and I'm, you know, moved on right here I am back in my, in my psyche and my emotions about it, because I'm, I'm, I'm suffering again, you know, but now I'm just getting it from all angles.

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So, uh, what I ended up doing was just going back to being that single mom by myself, very happy in the smallest space possible because it's clean and it's us and it's our energy.

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And my daughter was getting ready to leave the nest because she was of 18 years old, and she was like, yeah, mom, you, you, you, you.

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You raised me, you did your job, but now I can be my own and I'm out of here.

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Hey, you know what?

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I don't blame you.

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I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't dictate what our future was going to be.

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You know, I had you at such a young age we grew up together I wasn't able to raise you.

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I had you at such a young age we grew up together I wasn't able to raise you.

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We grew up together.

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That's just what it is.

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And she said to me and I'm going to get emotional she said you know, mom, I hate what happened to you.

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I appreciate how much you kept me in my childhood and I can't remember much of anything as it relates to that evening or the abuse that took place.

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I just hear about it, so I know more about it.

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And she said, and as much as of a helicopter mom that you were and as much as you were always right there every time I turned around, you were emotionally unavailable.

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And I was like, what did you say?

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I was so devastated because I didn't realize that I was emotionally unavailable For me.

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I love so much that I did everything that I could to make sure that you never had to worry, that you had everything you needed taken care of and that you had everything that you needed to be happy and have as a normal childhood life, as humanly possible and protecting.

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The way that I protected and provided to me was the most, the biggest amount of love that I could possibly show.

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But my daughter needed a different kind of love.

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She needed a different kind of emotional attachment and I couldn't provide it.

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I had to run a tight ship.

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You know why?

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Because we had to wake up at a certain time.

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We had to be out the door at a certain time.

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We had to be at home.

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by a certain time you had to be in bed by a certain time, my homework had to be in by a certain time, I had to be at work by a certain time.

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I ran the tightest ship you could ever possibly imagine, because it was just like that.

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So it was through her and because of her, we her and I went to a class where we learned emotional intelligence, where we learned fierce forgiveness, where we started to understand and unpack trauma and be able to understand more of how to listen and be available.

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And so we read the five love languages, we applied it to our lives, we applied it to our relationship, and because of her wanting to take me to that class, I never stopped.

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I never stopped when she opened that door for me.

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I just really dug deeper and deeper and deeper into understanding what, and these, these five circles of life, that are five components of life that makes you whole is the mental, the emotional, the physical, the spiritual.

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Sorry, it's four, four M E P S mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.

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If those four things are satisfied in your life, you are whole.

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You are whole, you are whole in happiness.

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And so I really just never stopped seeking how to be better, because being bitter is easy.

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So why be bitter if you can really be better.

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Sometimes we're sabotaging ourselves because we don't want to trust, because we don't want to rely, because we don't want to open up, because we don't want to be vulnerable, because we don't want to give in, because we don't want to share our story.

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It's all of these because, because, because, because, because we have these justifications.

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But at the end of the day, I realized, after going through so much, and I'm still doing it, which is like 10 years in the run, in here we're isolating ourselves.

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It's not anybody else that's doing it to us, it's us that's doing it to ourselves, and that's something that I chose to do.

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That's a sacrifice I made.

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I never even had MySpace, never been on social media.

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I felt that protecting myself and providing for my children was to stay off social media because, as a survivor of a double attempted homicide and testifying and them being out there, I'm not going to advertise who I am, what I am, where I'm at, what I look like, what I'm doing, what I'm wearing, where I'm at with my kids, what my kids even look like.

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Okay, to me it felt like I was just advertising and jeopardizing my safety by doing that.

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So I didn't, and three years ago, I was in a life-threatening car accident.

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I hit a tree dead on because I saw something slipping off the passenger seat of my car.

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It was soup.

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I didn't want the soup to spill all over the car, so I went to grab it.

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When I went to grab it, when your body turns to the right, the hand on the steering wheel turns to the left, I jumped over the center median and I smacked a tree dead on.

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It could not have been more dead on than what it was.

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I had a 1% chance of surviving and the trauma surgeon came in and said girl, you better play the lottery, because I don't know how in the world you made it out of this.

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This is a story.

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And while I'm in ICU, unable to feed myself, lift my neck, my elbow, my ankle, you name it.

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I couldn't, okay, I was in ICU for quite some time and I just kept asking my creator, lord, why did you save my life?

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Why did you think I was worth it?

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What?

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am I here for what?

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am I supposed to be doing?

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Because for crying out loud.

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I have fought for my life since I was pushed out that womb and this is the first time I don't have the strength to fight for myself and you're doing it all and I need to know why.

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And I'm.

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And I was told it was delivered to me.

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I woke up one moment in the hospital and it said I don't know what it is.

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I was receiving this understanding that I am being saved to make a difference in other people's lives, sharing my story of surviving a double attempted homicide while a thousand miles away from home as a single mom with already an eight-year-old daughter and having nothing and no one and nowhere.

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You need to talk about it.

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There's a thing called post-traumatic growth.

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Ptsd is something we all are very familiar with.

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Ptg is something that we're not informed of, is we're not educated on, we're not told.

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And post-traumatic growth is where you've learned from that trauma.

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You have wisdom from that trauma, you know that you're not going to repeat that trauma and how you've grown from it.

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Right, you're wiser, you're smarter, you're stronger.

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And then what you're doing with that, how you're talking to others or educating others, or putting out some webinars or whatever it is.

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You're sharing your knowledge, you're sharing your experience.

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That's that growth.

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You're able to talk about it.

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Now, you're no longer suppressing or oppressing yourself.

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And that's what I understood I was saved for.

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I understood that I was saved to share my story of the double attempted homicide, of the narcissistic abuse, of the journey that I went through, the coping skills I was able to figure out, obtain and apply and then put something together like a service, a service that I can really serve this community of people in these domestic violence situations.

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And so this nonprofit Confronting Domestic Violence was born from the ICU room while I was fighting for my life.

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Questioning why I was even saved was fighting for my life, questioning why I was even saved.

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And so our mission at Confronting Domestic Violence is to help relocate families when they have a safe place to go, but not the means to get there.

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And if you don't need those services, we've helped provide real-time resources for your real-time needs.

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I know all too well, like I said early on, when you get something that you need, for that moment it helps your circumstances change.

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But the moment your circumstances change, then so do your needs, because you're living second by second.

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You're starving.

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You're starving, you have food, you feed, and now what?

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What's the next thing you need Now?

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You need somewhere safe to sleep tonight.

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So real-time resources for real-time needs is what we really pride ourselves on.

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And helping to relocate when you have a safe place to go, but not the means to get there, is just that icing on top, because a lot of times shelters may be fully booked, but maybe you have a family that's willing to accept you that lives in the same state, but 500 miles away or across state lines, maybe whatever we help you get there, because most of the time you leave with whatever you have on your back or you resort to homelessness because it's just that bad, but you have that much strength.

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Right.

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I've read so many stories of and not just stories.

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These are like posts in support groups where people are mentioning I'm ready, I need to get out.

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All the shelters around me are books.

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The nearest shelter is, however, far away.

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How do I get there?

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And what you're providing is such an important piece.

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I was just speaking with a friend who was on a task force for domestic violence and ended up leaving the task force because nothing was getting done and said what do you do?

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How do you advocate for something to be done?

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And I said sometimes, when you have a task force, you're looking at the gigantic issue of domestic violence and it's overwhelming.

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There are so many.

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It's like this intricate web of so many different ways that you can address it.

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And if you're trying to tackle the entire thing with just one task force, you're not going to be able to do it because there's just too many pieces and you're going to spin your wheels and you're going to get nowhere.

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And what I have found and I probably have said this to you I hate that, thinking of the trauma that so many of us have gone through to get to this community that we're starting to create, and it's incredible.

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I've met so many incredible people that have gone from.

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Like I was a victim I was that shy little voice in the courtroom, not barely able to say what happened to me into this person of like okay, I survived and I'm thriving now.

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But then let me take this a step further and I refer to the listeners as warriors and so like you're a warrior here because you're forging this path of I know what was difficult for me.

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So let me forge this path, or light the way, so that the next person can see where to go, they can see where the resources are, and it may seem like just a small piece of what one person is doing or what one nonprofit is doing, but without all of these pieces working together, we again, we look at this giant web and we get nowhere with it.

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You are absolutely right and you know, what I would love to do is really create like a circle of nonprofit organizations that are providing resources to, you know, real-time victims and you know we become that circle of referrals and resources for each other.

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Because I get phone calls that I have no business getting because it's my organization doesn't support what they're calling for.

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But by golly I have a whole list because it's my organization doesn't support what they're calling for, but by golly, I have a whole list right here in front of me of, like you know, 85 different organizations.

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It's unfortunately, unfortunately right now, it's just in the state that I'm in, which is, you know, california, but I'm looking at expanding that.

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I'm already doing it.

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Florida, new York, I'm on my way, but maybe this is something that you and I can talk about, because when we get these phone calls and it doesn't it doesn't offer, lend, lend ourselves, to say, to offer our services to those, to those people, I think that it's advantageous for us to say, okay, but hold on, instead of letting you go saying sorry, can't help you.

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Yes, I can.

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Let me give you a phone number that I know.

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This phone number, this phone will get picked up on the other line because too many times in my, you know, when I was dealing with my double attempt at homicide, I made over a thousand phone calls, 1-800 numbers.

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I was nonstop, I mean, I was relentless.

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It took me over eight months.

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However long it took me, I don't even remember anymore.

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I'm like eight, 18, something like that.

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It took me a very long time and it was not until I found an advocate.

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An advocate that understood the state's legislative laws, the state's programs that were available and they were that like referral resource that tapped in and that knew all of these different programs that they were able to say I'm an advocate, you know, db advocate, blah, blah, blah, I have this client, et cetera.

00:22:47.911 --> 00:22:49.094
And then that's how you.

00:22:49.094 --> 00:22:55.915
You know, I don't want to say bypass the list, but you're not at the bottom of the list, okay, of the application process.

00:22:55.915 --> 00:23:04.256
So I'm really big on advocating for advocates, and it's hard.

00:23:04.256 --> 00:23:14.217
There's not an abundance of them out there and fortunately I do have some numbers and programs that I'm able to offer.

00:23:14.998 --> 00:23:18.851
But I want to go back to what you said as it relates to that, those victims, right.

00:23:18.851 --> 00:23:30.482
So I don't think that victims realize that they're victims, because you're a victim when you're in it and it's when you're stepping out of it and realizing that that's not for you.

00:23:30.482 --> 00:23:38.403
That's when you're like, oh my gosh, I was victimized, I was a victim, I was victimized.

00:23:38.403 --> 00:23:52.570
And then when you're going through that post-traumatic growth journey of like, now I'm doing something with this, I want to get back, I want to do et cetera, that's that survivor, that's that warrior woman that you're talking about.

00:23:52.590 --> 00:23:53.973
That's that warrior survivor.

00:23:53.973 --> 00:23:59.824
And yeah, coming together and really bringing awareness.

00:23:59.824 --> 00:24:00.653
This is October.

00:24:00.653 --> 00:24:02.480
This is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:21.354
You know, talking about it, bringing awareness is great, fine and dandy, but coming together and doing something about it, showing what we're doing about it, letting people know where we are, how to find us and that there are, you know, resources out there, you know, I think that is what will help make the next movement.

00:24:24.659 --> 00:24:26.642
And I'm ready, I think we're gonna.

00:24:26.642 --> 00:24:28.505
I think that movement is coming.

00:24:28.505 --> 00:24:39.701
And you know, like I said, netflix did that docuseries which I thought was I think it's kind of their series they had like worst roommate ever or something.

00:24:39.701 --> 00:24:43.256
So this one is world's worst ex or something along those lines.

00:24:43.256 --> 00:24:48.451
And I didn't actually watch it on purpose, I was.

00:24:48.451 --> 00:24:52.829
I saw one little trailer and I was like, oh, that looks interesting.

00:24:52.829 --> 00:25:01.195
I didn't realize and it gave a little blurb of you know, this may contain incidents of domestic violence or whatever, but I didn't realize.

00:25:01.195 --> 00:25:06.419
The actual it's four episodes is all regarding domestic violence.

00:25:06.419 --> 00:25:10.640
And you know, when Netflix does something, people start to pay attention.

00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:17.154
Anything that brings attention to domestic violence and gets people to be more aware and wanting to do something is a good thing.

00:25:17.154 --> 00:25:22.619
So I do think there is going to be a big movement coming.

00:25:22.619 --> 00:25:24.884
I think we're going to be part of it.

00:25:24.884 --> 00:25:26.593
You know what?

00:25:26.772 --> 00:25:28.175
Let's just call it into existence.

00:25:28.296 --> 00:25:32.813
We will be a part of it and, you know, let me let me share a couple of things with you.

00:25:32.813 --> 00:25:37.584
So, through this journey, post ICU, okay.

00:25:37.584 --> 00:25:41.332
So let me talk a little bit about confronting domestic violence a little bit more.

00:25:41.332 --> 00:25:49.051
So we are two years in launching, three years total because, you know, since our 501c3.

00:25:49.051 --> 00:26:04.488
So through this journey in the past two years, we have been able to get involved in um domestic violence awareness month back in 2022.

00:26:04.488 --> 00:26:09.660
We uh were with the Delaware uh ambassadors of domestic violence.

00:26:09.660 --> 00:26:13.393
We uh supported one of their, one of their rallies.

00:26:13.393 --> 00:26:14.915
Uh, I started there.

00:26:14.915 --> 00:26:19.222
We were in the Wisconsin Coalition of Domestic Violence.

00:26:19.222 --> 00:26:28.332
We did a not a seminar, but like a small like introduction about who we are and talked about, you know, collaborating.

00:26:28.332 --> 00:26:30.638
Once we, you know, got off ground a little bit more.

00:26:30.638 --> 00:26:39.883
We have also had an online summit last year for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the metaverse.

00:26:39.883 --> 00:26:44.301
We did a whole summit, a woman's summit for domestic violence in the metaverse.

00:26:46.730 --> 00:26:53.394
Confronting Domestic Violence has been a part of some international summits as well, specifically talking about domestic violence.

00:26:53.394 --> 00:27:01.144
So we're going gonna have one in december, um again, and then we had one a couple months ago.

00:27:01.144 --> 00:27:03.315
This was uh canada and france.

00:27:03.315 --> 00:27:06.321
So domestic violence is picking up in canada quite a bit.

00:27:06.321 --> 00:27:16.556
Australia is really, really doing a lot of great things in their administration with the resources and projects and things that they're honing in on for domestic violence.

00:27:16.556 --> 00:27:20.824
I would love to, you know, really make this like a whole international thing, if possible.

00:27:20.824 --> 00:27:26.101
Yeah, oh, my gosh, the stuff that's happening is like it's just it's mind blowing.

00:27:26.101 --> 00:27:31.701
Um, it's getting the recognition that I believe has been needed for so long.

00:27:31.740 --> 00:27:36.621
Like I said, 1641 was when domestic violence was first brought to Congress.

00:27:36.621 --> 00:27:45.221
So, anyways, I'm going off on a tangent for California specifically and confronting domestic violence.

00:27:45.221 --> 00:27:46.770
This is where this gets so crazy.

00:27:46.770 --> 00:27:54.450
I had a vision statement, um, for confronting domestic violence, I shared our mission statement.

00:27:54.450 --> 00:27:55.351
That's not changing.

00:27:55.351 --> 00:28:05.778
Our vision statement was that there would be requirements for actual programs to be in place through, like you know, osha.

00:28:05.778 --> 00:28:10.982
Osha has a required, you know, workplace violence policy.

00:28:10.982 --> 00:28:18.228
You know that's a nationwide requirement and it's really primarily focused on peer-to-peer stuff.

00:28:19.229 --> 00:28:35.496
And California recently passed a legislative bill, a workplace violence prevention plan not policy plan that is required to be in place as of July 2024.

00:28:35.496 --> 00:28:43.671
So it's already effective and they are having Cal OSHA be the enforcing agency.

00:28:43.671 --> 00:28:54.590
So this is great for multiple reasons, because, number one, it's a legislative bill, okay.

00:28:54.590 --> 00:29:00.242
So it's a requirement across the entire state that this be in place.

00:29:00.242 --> 00:29:05.817
Number two it's incorporating domestic violence into this plan.

00:29:05.817 --> 00:29:15.663
So when I say that I mean that it's no longer peer to peer, okay, it's now outside violence coming into the workplace.

00:29:15.663 --> 00:29:34.902
Now I'm saying that there there's all these great things, but I know on the flip side, for most corporations, specifically in California, they're like oh my gosh, another bill, oh my gosh, more restrictions or potential fines, because California is known for that and it hurts small businesses when it comes to those types of things.

00:29:34.902 --> 00:29:52.638
But to your point earlier, domestic violence is starting to get put back under that spotlight and be seen as a real problem and right now we all need to come together to help prevent this constant cycle.

00:29:53.921 --> 00:29:59.238
And I can break that down a little bit more the bill SB 553 specifically.

00:29:59.238 --> 00:30:08.182
So there are 13 requirements, elements and over 30 musts, so it is very extensive and deep.

00:30:08.182 --> 00:30:45.713
I actually talked to the Department of Industrial Relations pretty much on a weekly basis, because they're the ones that's overseeing Cal OSHA, to make sure that the bill is being followed and that they know what type of audits and or hold on what's the word, not just audits, but also the requirements, the written part of it, how they're being audited, how they're being audited how they're following regulations.

00:30:45.713 --> 00:30:56.419
So the important components of here that I want to share, that I really want to hone in on, is that most people understand that domestic violence is the most riskiest call for emergency responders to go to.

00:30:56.419 --> 00:31:07.363
Okay, now that this bill is in place and corporations are expected to step in and help mitigate, they are becoming the first responders.

00:31:07.363 --> 00:31:16.542
Okay, so people like you and I going into the office, we're expect we have, we're expected to be a part of this.

00:31:16.542 --> 00:31:21.053
So the bill is really breaking down what that looks like.

00:31:21.694 --> 00:31:35.557
My background personally, my personal background in my professional career, has been I'm a compliance officer for biotech, pharmaceutical, so I am a point of contact for regulatory agencies and I pride myself in being audit ready at all times.

00:31:35.958 --> 00:31:39.853
Okay, number two I used to have a physical security company.

00:31:39.853 --> 00:31:49.790
I did high level assessments, more so on access control, again, physical security, working with corporations on corporate policies and plans and rolling out training.

00:31:49.790 --> 00:31:59.871
I also, with this whole domestic violence umbrella, I've worked with Cal legislation for over 12 years, primarily focusing on legislative bills.

00:31:59.871 --> 00:32:04.577
That is all about public privacy and safety.

00:32:04.577 --> 00:32:19.862
I also was a mayoral appointee that sat on the Citizens Review Board and worked directly with internal affairs and received hands-on training as if I was an active on-duty officer, did plenty of ride shares and was involved.

00:32:19.862 --> 00:32:24.394
So when I read SB 553, I said, oh my gosh, this is my life story.

00:32:24.394 --> 00:32:30.205
This is everything I know, it tied up in a boat.

00:32:30.205 --> 00:32:40.574
So for a lot of people who are trying to figure out how to depict all of these requirements and all of these musts and put this written plan together, and roll out this training.

00:32:40.934 --> 00:32:43.882
I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so easy and I'm already on it.

00:32:43.882 --> 00:32:54.792
So I am your SB 553 SME If you are interested in being compliant with the mandate and rolling out the training for your staff Now.

00:32:54.792 --> 00:33:12.378
With that being said, how do you observe and report domestic violence at the workplace, right, I know I found the workplace as my safe place to go when I was in my situation.

00:33:13.305 --> 00:33:13.404
Same.

00:33:13.886 --> 00:33:15.089
Yeah, there's food.

00:33:15.089 --> 00:33:19.849
I mean, there's a fridge, there's a kitchen, there's a bathroom, there's light, there's heat, there's AC.

00:33:19.849 --> 00:33:21.934
It's your space, it's your environment.

00:33:21.934 --> 00:33:52.369
Even if it's a small cubicle or a whole office, you create that environment and that space and it's almost so welcoming that that's just where you want to be when you know home is the opposite For me, being that person that went to work as a victim, that went to work as a survivor, that went to work in these professional hats and dealt with managers, hr, ceo, dealing with domestic violence, you know, before this bill was even put into place, you helped at your own risk.

00:33:52.711 --> 00:33:54.516
It was up to you if you wanted to get involved or not.

00:33:54.516 --> 00:34:16.708
Okay, so all that to say that you know from a, a person that's walking into any environment at work, the way that you're, in my opinion, and how I train as it relates to observations, few things right If you see somebody who's quiet but they're coming in early and they're staying super late.

00:34:16.708 --> 00:34:34.273
There's a open door question If you are hearing people share their business on the phone, whether it's their personal cell phone and their personal conversation or somebody they confide in at work.

00:34:34.273 --> 00:34:45.509
Most people don't even realize that their behaviors are evidence to them being in an abusive relationship.

00:34:45.509 --> 00:35:18.719
And so, with corporations now having this requirement to report and prevent and respond, there's a lot that goes into it, from understanding human behaviors, feeling safe enough and vulnerable enough at the same time no matter who you are to actually report it, and then having mechanisms in place to communicate that and have this response team ready to go.

00:35:20.286 --> 00:35:42.385
This is not an easy task, nor is it something that a lot of people are interested in getting involved with, but it's a mandate and it's such a sensitive topic and you don't know how many people you may be triggering when you're putting out this training, when you're asking them to be a responder, when you're asking them for input and or when you're conducting drills.

00:35:42.385 --> 00:35:48.092
There is a potential risk on both sides here.

00:35:48.092 --> 00:36:23.838
So I go very deep into all of these hats that I have worn in the past and apply it to the training, so that people do feel comfortable in the training, they feel confident in what they're walking away with as it relates to observations and knowledge, and that you know not only are they audit ready, but they're also ready to, you know, respond if needed, and sometimes that response can just be calling 911 because you don't feel like you are in the position to actually make a difference.

00:36:24.784 --> 00:36:28.014
I was just about to ask what what's included in the response.

00:36:28.585 --> 00:36:30.432
Oh yeah, it's anything to everything.

00:36:31.445 --> 00:36:32.952
You know, is it something?

00:36:32.952 --> 00:36:48.889
And this is where it gets murky, right, because you have a communication channel and then you have a chain of command, but then the communication has to be succinct and clear, because if the perpetrator is coming in through the back door, who's the first person that saw that?

00:36:48.889 --> 00:36:51.550
Who are they contacting, who are they communicating with?

00:36:51.550 --> 00:36:55.025
And then how is that tree being followed, that communication tree being followed?

00:36:55.025 --> 00:37:12.382
Because ultimately, if what's happening isn't being clearly communicated, the ultimate decision maker is put in a very how do you say, rock in a hard space type of a spot, because are we going to lock down?

00:37:12.382 --> 00:37:13.869
Are we going to shelter in place?

00:37:13.869 --> 00:37:15.052
Are we going to evacuate?

00:37:15.052 --> 00:37:16.396
Are we going to pull the fire alarm?

00:37:16.396 --> 00:37:17.085
What are we going to do?

00:37:17.085 --> 00:37:27.690
So that communication really has to be in place and each company, like each person, has their own DNA, their own culture, their own way of doing things.

00:37:27.791 --> 00:37:32.016
It's like a household, every household runs their ship their own way.

00:37:32.557 --> 00:37:38.327
So my approach is maximum utilization of available resources.

00:37:38.327 --> 00:37:39.791
What do you already have in place?

00:37:39.791 --> 00:37:41.414
Who do you already have in place?

00:37:41.414 --> 00:37:44.650
Let's do some surveying, let's see what type of team we can build.

00:37:44.650 --> 00:37:46.195
Let's minimize costs.

00:37:46.195 --> 00:37:47.137
Let's save time.

00:37:47.137 --> 00:37:48.728
Let's utilize what you have.

00:37:48.728 --> 00:37:50.266
Let's implement what you don't have.

00:37:50.266 --> 00:37:52.637
So you're satisfying all things.

00:37:52.637 --> 00:37:55.788
You're satisfying helping someone in a situation.

00:37:55.788 --> 00:38:06.411
You're also putting safety first for everybody else that is unintentionally involved, and you are following what the state is mandating.

00:38:06.411 --> 00:38:09.916
So you are preventing yourself from being fined as well.

00:38:09.916 --> 00:38:34.791
And then there's a lot of other domino effects that come into play with this, of course, but we can talk about that deeper, because SB 553 is a very large calling, but I think it's going to make waves across the nation because it's the first state to implement and mandate that corporations step up and step in.

00:38:34.791 --> 00:38:39.460
Stepping in is a pretty hard calling.

00:38:41.246 --> 00:38:41.485
There's.

00:38:41.485 --> 00:38:43.690
I mean there's so much that can go into that.

00:38:43.690 --> 00:39:01.255
So does the bill address like an imminent threat, like an active shooter types kind of thought process, or is it you know you someone's coming in and you recognize they're being abused at home, like their abuser is not anywhere, a threat to the actual workplace environment?

00:39:01.255 --> 00:39:11.467
At that time Are they mandating that somebody intervenes to help that individual, almost like a mandatory reporter type situation, or how to?

00:39:11.467 --> 00:39:12.469
How is that working?

00:39:12.990 --> 00:39:21.135
Yeah, so basically, it's up to the employee If they want to tell the employer that there is a situation.

00:39:21.135 --> 00:39:36.192
Now, if a coworker, manager or someone else hears an employee that's going through a situation, then they have a fiduciary responsibility to report it to someone.

00:39:36.192 --> 00:39:36.512
That's a.

00:39:36.512 --> 00:39:43.056
Hey, this person is going through a situation that you know our safety might be jeopardized while we're at work here.

00:39:43.056 --> 00:39:53.630
Okay, because it's definitely bleeding into the work space If it's distracting them from work and I'm overhearing what's going on and it sounds like it's a violent situation.

00:39:53.630 --> 00:40:03.570
Right, because a person like me 20 years ago, if I heard somebody and I was just coming out of my situation, I'd be like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, there's somebody else that has.

00:40:03.570 --> 00:40:04.432
You know what I mean?

00:40:04.432 --> 00:40:05.436
You don't know.

00:40:05.436 --> 00:40:15.489
So it really is up to people hearing and observing what's going on and then reporting it so that help can be offered.

00:40:15.489 --> 00:40:24.009
It's not required that help be given, it's required that it is reported so that it can be prevented.

00:40:24.009 --> 00:40:29.516
Okay, now, as it relates to active shooter, of course that falls under.

00:40:29.516 --> 00:40:40.793
You know potential, you know violence Absolutely, and for most of my competitors, active shooter is where they go right away and I say, yeah, you could do active shooter all day long.

00:40:41.164 --> 00:40:44.150
You know that's usually a very irritated.

00:40:44.150 --> 00:40:48.998
Previous employee that was feels like they were wrongfully terminated or something of that nature.

00:40:48.998 --> 00:40:52.364
Employee that feels like they were wrongfully terminated or something of that nature.

00:40:52.364 --> 00:40:57.097
But when we're talking about domestic violence, first of all, you never know how far somebody's going to take it when their emotions are involved.

00:40:57.097 --> 00:41:01.474
Secondly, it could be somebody that's being stopped at work in the parking lot.

00:41:01.474 --> 00:41:09.710
It could be somebody that just wants to piggyback or tailgate somebody coming into the door because they know where somebody else sits and that's what they want to go Most of the time.

00:41:09.710 --> 00:41:11.273
That will be quiet.

00:41:11.273 --> 00:41:13.797
It'll be quiet.

00:41:13.797 --> 00:41:16.659
So you know it's.

00:41:16.659 --> 00:41:16.900
It's.

00:41:16.900 --> 00:41:20.090
This is where that training goes into play about.

00:41:20.090 --> 00:41:25.289
You know listening and observing, so it's you can identify based on behaviors.

00:41:25.588 --> 00:41:26.751
I hope that answers your questions.

00:41:26.751 --> 00:41:36.869
It does, and I think one of my favorite parts of all of this is the fact that there has to be education on it, for them to receive education on what to look for and things like that.

00:41:36.869 --> 00:41:37.871
That's great.

00:41:38.112 --> 00:41:41.907
And it's just something again that I feel like we were talking about earlier.

00:41:41.907 --> 00:41:46.057
It will be a movement, it happens, it's starting to happen.

00:41:46.057 --> 00:42:01.653
New York already passed, you know, some bills that requires victims to be able to take time off without retaliation to take care of their legal businesses or their legal business in court, while they're dealing with this kind of stuff.

00:42:01.653 --> 00:42:17.309
A little bit of a ripple effect here, which is actually exciting because I can't say it again, for three centuries and some change, we've been talking about putting things into place for victims of domestic violence.

00:42:19.275 --> 00:42:23.565
Because it's such a gross topic, I mean nobody wants to talk about it, I don't know.

00:42:23.565 --> 00:42:37.677
It's just there are so many things like we've taken all these steps throughout history to get to this point, and I think you know as much as our society today has a lot of questionable things that people get active in.

00:42:37.677 --> 00:42:56.557
I think one a positive is definitely bringing awareness to all sorts of groups and people that need this attention, and becoming more acceptive and wanting to learn more about different scenarios and things.

00:42:56.557 --> 00:43:00.836
So I think that this is a good opportunity for us to get moving.

00:43:01.344 --> 00:43:08.431
Why domestic violence is still not considered like, why it's still not under civil rights or human rights or something like that is beyond me.

00:43:08.512 --> 00:43:09.275
I don't understand.

00:43:09.804 --> 00:43:22.409
So, you know, maybe we should talk to some of the head honchos that you know got these other organizations to get these rights over them and see how the heck they did it and how we can just do it for this community.

00:43:22.409 --> 00:43:27.157
It's so overdue, so needed Together as a community.

00:43:27.157 --> 00:43:32.389
It seems like we are the ones that needs to fill the gaps, and I think that's what nonprofits are stepping up to do.

00:43:32.389 --> 00:43:39.096
But we rely on the community because we can't rely on the funding that's no longer being put out there.

00:43:39.396 --> 00:43:41.666
This specific community of domestic violence survivors.

00:43:41.666 --> 00:43:48.639
It doesn't just affect the one victim or the one survivor that was being abused.

00:43:48.639 --> 00:44:13.302
There are so many people that are affected and you look at, obviously, children of these situations and that generational cycle can continue, which then affects so many other people and you've I love that you've been using the term ripple effect and there's just there's like you can use it to so many points that we're talking about in our conversation right now.

00:44:13.302 --> 00:44:18.597
There are so many places that this actually affects that it should be getting more attention.

00:44:18.985 --> 00:44:24.987
You know I I want to say a couple more things, cause I know that we need to um close the loop here.

00:44:24.987 --> 00:44:32.210
You know, the power and control wheel hasn't changed for a long time, and it probably hasn't changed for a long time because it's pretty on point.

00:44:32.210 --> 00:44:41.807
So I think that that's something that if people are just starting to gain some awareness or try to understand, are they in some sort of abusive situation?

00:44:41.807 --> 00:44:44.735
I will defer to the power and control wheel.

00:44:44.735 --> 00:44:45.818
Take a look, check it out.

00:44:45.818 --> 00:44:46.987
Same thing for teens.

00:44:46.987 --> 00:44:52.239
It doesn't matter how old teenage, all the way to you know, to the day you stop breathing, that it's applicable.

00:44:52.239 --> 00:44:55.688
And you know something that you talked about earlier.

00:44:55.728 --> 00:45:03.242
With these triggers and your response versus, yeah, the response to these triggers, I want to say that there are two types of triggers out there.

00:45:03.242 --> 00:45:19.081
There's negative triggers and there's positive triggers, and a majority of us, when we hear the word trigger, we're automatically going to that negative trigger, and I want to talk a little bit about the positive trigger and give an example, because it'll go right into the negative side.

00:45:19.081 --> 00:45:22.128
So, positive triggers, think about your favorite song in the whole wide world.

00:45:23.431 --> 00:45:24.675
What's happening?

00:45:24.675 --> 00:45:27.206
You're turning it up, your body's moving.

00:45:27.206 --> 00:45:28.429
You're probably singing.

00:45:28.429 --> 00:45:30.094
You've got a smile on your face.

00:45:30.094 --> 00:45:31.568
That's the positive trigger.

00:45:31.568 --> 00:45:38.329
Okay, so, like you were saying earlier, you were doing this mirror work, you were doing these things.

00:45:38.431 --> 00:45:41.387
And then after a while you realize you don't even need to go in front of the mirror anymore.

00:45:41.387 --> 00:45:43.715
You could just say it and that was your positive trigger.

00:45:43.715 --> 00:45:59.876
So if you're playing a song or a sound in the background while you're doing this verbal affirmation to yourself, in the mirror or not in the mirror, if you have some sort of noise in the background playing while you're doing that, yes, then you know what.

00:45:59.876 --> 00:46:14.309
You can set an alarm for yourself a couple of times throughout the day playing that sound, and it'll be an automatic positive trigger for yourself and it'll be an automatic positive trigger for yourself.

00:46:14.309 --> 00:46:18.342
So I want to take that and use that same analogy for those negative triggers, because I want to drop a nugget for you guys here.

00:46:19.465 --> 00:46:20.648
Triggers reside in your body.

00:46:20.648 --> 00:46:22.474
You go through a physiological change.

00:46:22.474 --> 00:46:24.228
That's why I use music as an example.

00:46:24.228 --> 00:46:26.177
For the positive trigger, you're automatically moving.

00:46:26.177 --> 00:46:29.710
When it's that negative trigger, there's still a physiological change.

00:46:29.710 --> 00:46:31.795
Your face can turn red, you can feel your blood get hot.

00:46:31.795 --> 00:46:35.561
You can feel that ball in your stomach, that ball in your throat, the tension in your shoulders.

00:46:35.561 --> 00:46:37.708
Somewhere in there it's residing.

00:46:38.168 --> 00:46:45.230
When you're feeling your body respond like that, that is a moment to take to say I'm being triggered.

00:46:45.230 --> 00:46:47.856
As soon as you acknowledge you're being triggered.

00:46:47.856 --> 00:46:53.454
Remember, when you have acknowledgement, then you have options Do you want to respond or do you want to react.

00:46:53.454 --> 00:46:58.251
If you react, then that's a knee jerk action.

00:46:58.251 --> 00:47:01.657
When you're responding, you're taking a moment to think.

00:47:01.657 --> 00:47:14.655
When you're taking that moment to think and you want to respond instead of react, think about what do you want the outcome to be, because your response is going to be a huge part of dictating that outcome.

00:47:14.655 --> 00:47:31.297
And in that very moment you are empowered more than probably any other time throughout the day, because you are now in control of your trigger and how you as a person are going to present yourself.

00:47:31.297 --> 00:47:40.028
So you don't have to say sorry, I didn't mean to do that later Nobody likes to apologize for their behaviors, and nobody's perfect.

00:47:40.088 --> 00:47:50.197
Of course we're going to, but that's just a moment in the day and in the time that you have of ultimate, ultimate power over yourself and what's about to happen next.

00:47:51.925 --> 00:47:55.414
And just quickly I'm going to just say and when you have that power, guess what?

00:47:55.414 --> 00:47:57.188
You just took the power away from your abuser.

00:47:57.188 --> 00:48:05.885
It doesn't matter if you're in the moment with them or if it's 10 years later and you're getting triggered by something because of what happened to you from them.

00:48:05.885 --> 00:48:07.489
You just took that power away from them.

00:48:07.489 --> 00:48:08.311
You got it back.

00:48:08.911 --> 00:48:09.333
That's right.

00:48:09.333 --> 00:48:09.914
That's right.

00:48:09.914 --> 00:48:20.047
And as we move into these calendar days where festivities are taking place and families are getting together and known as the holidays and stuff like that, we all know there's triggers there.

00:48:20.047 --> 00:48:25.989
Listen, if something triggers you and you feel like you want to come out to your skin, just walk out the door.

00:48:25.989 --> 00:48:27.494
Instead, you have control.

00:48:27.494 --> 00:48:34.072
Just walk out, say you know what, I'm just not going to do this, I'm not this person anymore.

00:48:34.072 --> 00:48:34.793
You have control.

00:48:34.793 --> 00:48:36.998
So just keep that in mind as well.

00:48:36.998 --> 00:48:47.974
And really, knowing the boundaries I talked about boundaries earlier Sometimes, when you're so distraught and you don't know who you are, you damn skippy know who you're not.

00:48:48.496 --> 00:49:18.199
And even when you're in that survival space and you're trying to just kind of sort through your thoughts and feelings about what happened and what life is going to be like, still, even if you don't know who you are during that transition, you still know who the hell you're not and keep those boundaries growing with you and with those boundaries, understand if those are non-negotiables or if there are requests.

00:49:18.199 --> 00:49:20.489
I request you don't do X Y Z.

00:49:20.489 --> 00:49:22.775
This is a non-negotiable.

00:49:22.775 --> 00:49:28.516
If you do X Y Z, I'm doing a Ronin and you're no longer in my life period washing hands, nothing else.

00:49:28.516 --> 00:49:32.072
At the end, you protect yourself the way you would protect your babies.

00:49:32.072 --> 00:49:33.235
That's right.

00:49:33.945 --> 00:49:46.380
So I want to say one more time, I want to ask you what your nonprofit is again and what you do, just so we can kind of remind everybody, like what you, as in your warrior and your warrior pose, what you've done.

00:49:47.425 --> 00:49:48.309
Thank you so much.

00:49:48.309 --> 00:49:53.248
So I am the executive director and founder of Confronting Domestic Violence.

00:49:53.248 --> 00:49:58.398
Same thing on the internet confrontingdborg, confrontingdomesticviolenceorg.

00:49:58.398 --> 00:50:00.188
You know all take you to the same website.

00:50:00.188 --> 00:50:09.918
Our mission is to provide real-time resources to real-time victims and offer relocation services when families have a safe place to go, but not the means to get there.

00:50:09.918 --> 00:50:23.456
We really hope to build a full circle of resources with different organizations to be that full circle of services for victims, and we are hosting our very first gala on October 27th.

00:50:23.456 --> 00:50:24.547
It's so exciting.

00:50:24.547 --> 00:50:30.132
The theme is A Taste of Old Hollywood, so show up in your Gatsby gear and have a great time.

00:50:30.231 --> 00:50:36.414
While we bring awareness, raise funds, have this go towards the mission so that we can support the community.

00:50:36.414 --> 00:50:43.679
We have a keynote speaker, Shattered Without a Mark, going back to that narcissistic behaviors and abuse.

00:50:43.679 --> 00:50:51.489
We also have an honoree, someone who has written legislation for gosh over 30 years, really making an impact in the DV community.

00:50:51.489 --> 00:50:58.092
Um, there's, there's just going to be a lot of greatness there, so coming out and supporting us would be amazing.

00:50:58.092 --> 00:51:06.293
Uh, we are also in domestic sheltersorg in their directory and uh, multiple, multiple places.

00:51:06.293 --> 00:51:22.509
And yes, we, I also offer the SB553 consulting for California organizations and really any organization that just wants to have this type of plan in place, as it relates to, you know, the culture of their company and what, how they want to, you know, serve their employees.

00:51:23.150 --> 00:51:23.471
I love it.

00:51:23.471 --> 00:51:24.313
Thank you so much.

00:51:24.313 --> 00:51:38.070
Thank you so much for coming on and I hope that maybe we can do this again, because I know we have so much to talk about and especially as this movement that we actually are going to be part of, as this starts getting going, I'd love to have you back on.

00:51:38.070 --> 00:51:39.353
I appreciate your time.

00:51:40.496 --> 00:51:41.358
Thank you so much.

00:51:41.358 --> 00:51:45.394
I think we just made a commitment on a podcast we did.

00:51:45.434 --> 00:51:46.416
We can't take it back now.

00:51:46.416 --> 00:51:46.987
We can't.

00:51:46.987 --> 00:51:48.090
It's back now.

00:51:48.090 --> 00:51:50.155
Everybody knows.

00:51:51.346 --> 00:51:52.427
This is great.

00:51:52.427 --> 00:52:01.976
And you know what and I will put out there we met through another person that runs a nonprofit organization and this is a part of that community that we're building.

00:52:01.976 --> 00:52:11.376
We are already giving and connecting resources with other resources so that we can come together, connect, have synergy and give and serve.

00:52:11.376 --> 00:52:20.074
So what a beautiful way to tie this whole thing up to show that we're actually doing what we said we want to do.

00:52:20.074 --> 00:52:21.137
We're actually already in motion.

00:52:22.065 --> 00:52:26.336
We are doing it, we're in the midst of it and that person lives in yet another state.

00:52:26.336 --> 00:52:28.853
It's so cool.

00:52:28.853 --> 00:52:41.195
Like I said, I hate the trauma that any of us have had to go through to get to this point, but this community is pretty badass and I'm I'm really excited this generation will be the next big footprint.

00:52:41.416 --> 00:52:41.958
I'm excited.

00:52:42.804 --> 00:52:43.226
Me too.

00:52:43.226 --> 00:52:47.577
Well, thank you again, and I'm looking forward to talking again in the future.

00:52:48.025 --> 00:52:50.871
Yes, Likewise off Off this and on this.

00:52:51.954 --> 00:52:55.652
Yeah, absolutely Well, you heard it here first.

00:52:55.652 --> 00:52:57.793
We are apparently starting a movement.

00:52:57.793 --> 00:52:59.369
Come join us.

00:52:59.369 --> 00:53:07.639
Like we talked about, there are so many pieces to this web of domestic violence and each one is incredibly important.

00:53:07.639 --> 00:53:14.295
Perhaps your piece is sharing your story, maybe you have additional information, resources or talents?

00:53:14.295 --> 00:53:20.634
Hey, we will take whatever you can offer, but for now, thank you for listening.

00:53:20.634 --> 00:53:25.577
A Garcia's bio is attached to her episodes on the 1 in 3 website.

00:53:25.577 --> 00:53:28.112
I have included the link in the show notes.

00:53:28.112 --> 00:53:31.706
I will be back next week with another episode for you.

00:53:31.706 --> 00:53:40.909
Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.

00:53:40.909 --> 00:53:47.005
Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website.

00:53:47.005 --> 00:53:53.259
One in three podcastcom that's the number 1-I-N-3podcastcom.

00:53:53.259 --> 00:54:02.556
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00:54:02.556 --> 00:54:08.568
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.