42-Confronting Domestic Violence: A. Garcia; Part 1

Transcript

WEBVTT

00:00:00.140 --> 00:00:03.387
Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3, I'm your host, ingrid.

00:00:03.387 --> 00:00:07.883
Today I have another survivor turned warrior episode for you.

00:00:07.883 --> 00:00:12.894
A Garcia shares pieces of her lifelong experience with domestic violence.

00:00:12.894 --> 00:00:18.753
The conversation flows easily as we intermix insight into what can be done to stop DV.

00:00:18.753 --> 00:00:24.039
As usual, we had a lot to speak about, so I'm breaking this into two episodes.

00:00:24.039 --> 00:00:27.611
Here is part one with A Garcia.

00:00:27.611 --> 00:00:41.244
Okay, good morning.

00:00:41.244 --> 00:00:43.406
Today I have A Garcia with me.

00:00:43.406 --> 00:00:45.982
Welcome, thank you.

00:00:45.982 --> 00:01:03.314
Thank you for having me, and I don't know if you want to give a little brief introduction before I know you and I are going to talk a lot and so I don't know if you want to give a quick little background of how well we don't have to talk about how we got introduced to each other, because that's a long tale.

00:01:03.314 --> 00:01:17.941
Have to talk about how we got introduced to each other, because that's a long tail, but if you want to give a background of what you're doing and whatever else you want to share, Sure, thank you.

00:01:17.980 --> 00:01:25.655
More than likely, I have a feeling we're going to talk more about what's happening today and what's going on now, so I'll just share a brief background of you know my life and why I'm here on your show.

00:01:25.655 --> 00:01:26.861
You know one out of three.

00:01:26.861 --> 00:01:30.447
You know one out of three is the true statistics of.

00:01:30.447 --> 00:01:35.915
You know women that have either been exposed to or actually experiencing a form of domestic violence.

00:01:35.915 --> 00:01:38.295
You know the needle hasn't moved.

00:01:38.295 --> 00:01:46.790
For decades We've been fighting for rights and you know the severity of this topic for centuries, in 1641.

00:01:46.790 --> 00:01:56.010
Okay, um and so now for the statistics to be the needle to have moved, those statistics.

00:01:56.010 --> 00:02:02.411
Since COVID by the way not sure if you're aware of that COVID was a our domestic violence was a pandemic.

00:02:02.411 --> 00:02:03.905
In within the pandemic.

00:02:03.905 --> 00:02:06.340
It definitely moved that needle forward.

00:02:06.340 --> 00:02:14.462
One out of four men are now a part of, or exposed to, or have experienced a form of domestic violence.

00:02:14.462 --> 00:02:18.322
So one out of three for the women, one out of four for the men, right, that's pretty significant.

00:02:18.322 --> 00:02:26.020
So for me personally, I will say that domestic violence was a part of my life for a very long time.

00:02:27.223 --> 00:02:30.449
Unfortunately, I was born into it per se.

00:02:30.449 --> 00:02:33.593
I didn't know anything different or anything better.

00:02:33.593 --> 00:02:54.002
And throughout life, it wasn't until I had my first child as teenager that I was like, oh my gosh, this is not what I want for my kid, this is not what the life I'm going to give, this is not the environment I'm going to provide, and it's so weird on how that was just like a switch.

00:02:54.002 --> 00:02:55.445
It was just a switch.

00:02:55.445 --> 00:03:03.991
I don't know how or why or what, but I knew when I was bringing another human being into this world, I was not going to share the life I had.

00:03:03.991 --> 00:03:11.168
It was going to be a different one, and so I've, just like I said, I was born into it.

00:03:11.669 --> 00:03:29.455
My mother was in an abusive relationship, so there was this gestational trauma that I experienced before I even came into the world, and the situation, the environment was bad enough for her that when she left, she packed her bags and left.

00:03:29.455 --> 00:03:40.435
She didn't take her kids, and so after we were abandoned I say me because I had a younger sister at the time a year after she left, my sister passed away.

00:03:40.435 --> 00:03:49.746
So now it's just me and my dad right In the environment that my mother left, and you know, here he just lost his baby, you know.

00:03:49.746 --> 00:03:53.501
So his coping skills were not the best, you know.

00:03:53.501 --> 00:03:59.641
He worked third shift and slept all day and we had nothing, no relationship, no bond, no connection, no, nothing.

00:03:59.641 --> 00:04:09.168
So, you know, I I did have some aunts that stepped up and stepped in for quite some time and then it was, you know, the streets.

00:04:10.040 --> 00:04:11.164
I resorted to the streets.

00:04:11.164 --> 00:04:25.761
That's where I had friends, that's where I had fun, that's where I was, you know, very occupied I, as a little girl, without having any type of, you know, counseling or knowledge around this stuff, I sought different things to take up my time.

00:04:25.761 --> 00:04:27.586
I wanted to be anywhere but home.

00:04:27.586 --> 00:04:33.985
So I was at any after school gig, I was at the recreation park, I was doing anything and everything but to be home.

00:04:33.985 --> 00:04:40.762
So by teenage years, um, you know, first, puppy love, it was very abusive.

00:04:40.762 --> 00:04:44.846
We were fist fighting on the floor, on the street, anywhere, everywhere.

00:04:44.846 --> 00:04:50.233
I didn't know any better, that's what I understood.

00:04:50.233 --> 00:05:03.610
So, again, when I had my daughter, that's when life changed we separated.

00:05:03.610 --> 00:05:08.440
After she was maybe three months, it was that fast he turned to the streets.

00:05:08.461 --> 00:05:14.173
I was not about that, I don't want to go too far down that rabbit hole, but I can tell you that the abuse did not stop just because we separated.

00:05:14.173 --> 00:05:25.680
I had my daughter on a little big wheel outside going up and down the block and he showed up with a car, grabbed her, threw her in the car and took off.

00:05:25.680 --> 00:05:28.045
And me, I'm running after the car.

00:05:28.045 --> 00:05:30.130
I jump on the hood, it's like a movie.

00:05:30.130 --> 00:05:33.305
He's swerving back and forth and you see my body all over the hood.

00:05:33.305 --> 00:05:34.829
I'm like call the police.

00:05:34.829 --> 00:05:36.762
Whoever can hear me, that's outside.

00:05:36.762 --> 00:05:38.625
I mean, it was the most ridiculous thing.

00:05:38.625 --> 00:05:45.939
By the time he was able to get me off the car, my shoes were like like threads and I'm running back home.

00:05:45.939 --> 00:05:46.601
Running back home.

00:05:46.601 --> 00:05:49.434
It wasn't for about a mile by the time I got home.

00:05:49.434 --> 00:05:53.146
Thank goodness somebody had actually heard me, saw the situation, called the cops.

00:05:53.146 --> 00:05:56.112
They were there, you know, I I shared everything.

00:05:56.112 --> 00:06:01.110
They went to go, you know, obviously, to the house and get my daughter and bring her back.

00:06:01.110 --> 00:06:03.615
But it's like it is, it was just nonstop.

00:06:03.675 --> 00:06:39.180
So, you know, I suppose we can start there right, for these young ladies and young men that are, that are in high school, that are, that are dating, that are feeling like home isn't where they're feeling loved or being heard or being seen or having this like connection that you know is yearned for in, in that seen or having this like connection that you know is yearned for in, in that, in that puberty stage or that you know transition from adolescence into, you know, teenage years, young adulthood, and you know there's so much that we think we want but we don't realize what we're entering.

00:06:40.502 --> 00:07:05.365
And there's a lot of you know I don't want to say literature, but a lot of information out there that can be sought if you are feeling like you love somebody in this teenage relationship but you're sad all the time still, or you're feeling like this person has some sort of control over you and you're feeling like hold on a second.

00:07:05.365 --> 00:07:12.966
Why do I feel like I have a third parent or somebody dictating who I can talk to or where I can go or what I'm wearing?

00:07:12.966 --> 00:07:15.833
Or nowadays it's all about social media, right?

00:07:15.833 --> 00:07:18.346
Don't be friends with them, don't follow them.

00:07:18.346 --> 00:07:20.833
Give me your password, give me your location.

00:07:20.833 --> 00:07:22.603
These are all flags.

00:07:22.603 --> 00:07:25.048
These are all flags.

00:07:26.750 --> 00:07:53.201
You're absolutely right and I think that's where you know if we ever were to truly stop domestic violence, we have to prevent it, and I think that's what's super important, especially in the youth who maybe are coming from homes where that's what they think is the normal, and that's what's so important about education and people talking about what's happened is so that you understand this isn't like.

00:07:53.201 --> 00:07:54.262
Love should not hurt.

00:07:54.262 --> 00:07:59.112
You know you shouldn't be sad in your relationship all the time.

00:07:59.112 --> 00:08:00.322
It shouldn't physically hurt.

00:08:01.466 --> 00:08:10.451
So I think you're absolutely right with that and I think I think maybe that's where, maybe that's where, maybe that's where you know we hone in a little bit is like what is the definition of hurt?

00:08:10.451 --> 00:08:16.430
You know, sometimes, in my personal opinion, it can be not even hurt.

00:08:16.430 --> 00:08:19.762
It could be all of this like confusion and the doubts.

00:08:19.762 --> 00:08:29.875
You don't even realize you're hurt yet You're just wondering like why am I feeling a certain way or believing a certain thing?

00:08:29.875 --> 00:08:38.580
Why am I convinced, or why am I just so full of doubt that I'm so confused and I don't even know who I am anymore or what I'm doing or where I'm going?

00:08:38.580 --> 00:08:49.696
I think that that is maybe a little more prominent in those teenage years than the crying and the sadness.

00:08:50.821 --> 00:08:58.508
I agree, because in those teenage years, just without being in a bad relationship, just being a teenager, you're trying to figure out yourself.

00:08:58.508 --> 00:09:01.422
You don't know, like why am I feeling this way?

00:09:01.422 --> 00:09:02.202
What is going on?

00:09:02.202 --> 00:09:10.274
And that's just a normal part of being a teenager and hormones happening, so it is right and it's.

00:09:10.274 --> 00:09:18.681
It's makes it so much more difficult there to you know, everybody talks about red flags and green flags and it's hard to determine then.

00:09:18.681 --> 00:09:20.964
Well, is this really a red flag or is this just?

00:09:20.964 --> 00:09:25.051
Is that normal behavior and reactions?

00:09:26.052 --> 00:09:32.988
And I love that you're saying that, because, um red flags, are they yours or are they theirs?

00:09:34.590 --> 00:09:36.932
Right, exactly, exactly.

00:09:37.913 --> 00:09:39.255
And and not to be.

00:09:39.255 --> 00:09:44.966
You know I, I just I want to be very transparent, I like to keep it raw and real.

00:09:44.966 --> 00:09:47.688
You know, I, just I want to be very transparent, I like to keep it raw and real.

00:09:47.688 --> 00:10:05.793
And you know it's, it's, it's a fact what I'm about to share, you know, because I worked with women that did this for a very long time in her life and she said you know, violence in teenage years actually increases around the time of the menstrual cycle.

00:10:05.813 --> 00:10:13.601
So what you were saying earlier, as it relates to those hormones being a bit out of control in those teenage years, it's happening on both sides, right, for the boys and the girls.

00:10:13.601 --> 00:10:20.982
They're both going through their hormonal changes and we know, even as grown women, sometimes it's out of control.

00:10:20.982 --> 00:10:22.066
We cannot control.

00:10:22.066 --> 00:10:27.197
Yes, so can you imagine?

00:10:27.197 --> 00:10:39.461
It's almost like this perfect storm, you know where, where the boys becoming the young man and they're feeling, you know that testosterone pounding on their chest and you don't know where they're coming from with their home.

00:10:40.043 --> 00:10:57.841
And then you have, you know, the girl becoming that young woman and they're just like they can't control how they're feeling and if their feet, if they are feeling intimidated or bullied or pushed around, trust me, at some point, like a cat being cornered, we're going to scratch back or what they say, clap back Right.

00:10:57.841 --> 00:11:09.107
So it's like if I just want to say that I personally believe in my very strong opinion and I want to figure out on how to do something about this.

00:11:09.107 --> 00:11:15.991
You know when they're teaching sex ed in school, when they're teaching about, you know puberty and they're teaching about these things.

00:11:15.991 --> 00:11:30.600
This is the time to talk about the feelings that come with all of these changes that you're going through, and I don't understand why this is not like every single year in high school.

00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:32.524
You know a required course.

00:11:33.905 --> 00:11:35.809
Or even just a required speaker.

00:11:35.809 --> 00:11:44.769
I remember being in I mean it was a long time ago that I was in high school but I remember being in high school and we would have random speakers about different things.

00:11:44.769 --> 00:11:49.081
I think we had someone about drunk driving or something along those lines it was.

00:11:49.081 --> 00:11:53.783
I know dare was a big thing back See, that's how long ago it was.

00:11:53.783 --> 00:11:56.942
You know Nancy Reagan and her dare, or was it dare?

00:11:56.942 --> 00:11:57.403
Or was it?

00:11:57.403 --> 00:11:59.368
Moms against whatever?

00:11:59.368 --> 00:12:03.065
Her little yeah you mad, that's what it was.

00:12:03.065 --> 00:12:09.333
So that that was the whole platform then, and I know we had a lot of presentations and speakers coming to talk to us about this.

00:12:09.494 --> 00:12:24.660
This would be a good opportunity to have someone come and, you know, maybe not give terribly gruesome details of things, but gruesome enough to really hit home and tie that in to like what you said you're doing sex education anyway.

00:12:24.660 --> 00:12:26.461
Let's talk about consent.

00:12:26.461 --> 00:12:30.565
Let's talk about what yes means, what no means, what no looks like.

00:12:30.565 --> 00:12:33.086
I mean no doesn't have to be.

00:12:33.086 --> 00:12:37.750
Somebody actually saying no, no could be incapacitated and you can't say no.

00:12:37.750 --> 00:12:39.892
You know things along that line.

00:12:39.892 --> 00:12:45.416
I think that would be a great idea to incorporate that into the education, I think that would be a great idea to incorporate that into the education.

00:12:45.436 --> 00:12:47.857
Yeah, let's, let's look into it and see what we need to do.

00:12:47.857 --> 00:12:51.121
Let's do it, let's do it.

00:12:51.121 --> 00:12:57.894
Yeah, and you know, I think that what you said earlier, as it relates to like the gruesomeness, right, like I totally agree.

00:12:57.894 --> 00:13:23.323
Let's not put that fear factor in them and show them, like you know, the worst case scenario, but just something that's like eye opening, to the point where these statistics that we're talking about one out of three, one out of four we could just ask them, hey, you know, whether it's you yourself, or somebody that you know, or a family or friend, or whatever the case, how many of you have seen or known, heard or been a part of DV?

00:13:23.323 --> 00:13:26.731
And then let's see how many hands go up.

00:13:26.731 --> 00:13:30.869
That alone would be like boom eye opening Super powerful Right.

00:13:31.089 --> 00:13:34.645
Or if you haven't think of how many women do you know?

00:13:34.645 --> 00:13:36.291
How many females do you know in your life?

00:13:36.291 --> 00:13:39.186
Out of those females, one in three of them.

00:13:39.186 --> 00:13:49.408
So if you don't know, you have no idea what somebody is going through behind these beautiful social media posts and these perfect lives that everybody is presenting.

00:13:49.408 --> 00:13:51.172
You have no idea.

00:13:52.880 --> 00:13:54.225
I saw something the other day.

00:13:54.225 --> 00:13:55.347
I loved it.

00:13:55.347 --> 00:14:03.514
It was this beautiful, red, shiny apple with this glimmer of the light just gleaming off the side of it.

00:14:03.514 --> 00:14:12.563
And then the camera was going around to the other side of the apple, and you know, just gleaming off the side of it, and then the camera was like going around to the other side of the apple and it was so freaking rotten that you would never even pick it up.

00:14:13.105 --> 00:14:14.707
That's perfect yeah.

00:14:14.707 --> 00:14:19.181
Yeah, it's this persona right, it's like oh yeah this is great, great, great.

00:14:19.501 --> 00:14:36.972
You know, which is unfortunately what happens as you kind of grow up and you get into adulthood and then you have these, you know, predators, I'll call them that dress up all nice and shiny, with a beautiful title and cleaned up, and then they, you know, are not that on the inside.

00:14:38.841 --> 00:14:43.145
And that is especially important when you have somebody coming from a broken home.

00:14:43.145 --> 00:14:51.482
And now here's this knight in shining armor to rescue you from your tragedies, and then they end up being a bigger monster.

00:14:52.686 --> 00:14:58.626
Oh my gosh, that sounds like you know me very well, because I think I have those guys in my life.

00:14:59.207 --> 00:15:11.322
I mean, I shared with you what my childhood was, you what my childhood was.

00:15:11.322 --> 00:15:20.841
So I believe that my partners in the past thought that I was weak, that I was vulnerable, that I was easy to get over, step on or abuse because I came from such a freaking broken home.

00:15:20.841 --> 00:15:32.313
And what they didn't realize was that, you know, because I had to navigate and fight my way through my own childhood to basically, you know, provide for myself.

00:15:32.313 --> 00:15:34.744
I was the total opposite.

00:15:34.744 --> 00:15:50.816
I was the strongest woman they've ever met in their life and you know I preferred to and have, you know, been homeless than to be in the home, where it was a very toxic, abusive environment.

00:15:52.480 --> 00:16:06.785
And I think that's a general misconception of domestic violence victims in I think I already said general in general because you think, well, you can only be a victim if you're weak or if there's something, and that's not the case.

00:16:06.785 --> 00:16:25.580
There's a wide variety of reasons, abusers, and I do feel they choose certain people and it's not because they're weak or, I know, they can't think for themselves, or they're uneducated or whatever you know.

00:16:25.580 --> 00:16:30.149
Perhaps it's because they know they are strong and this is a person who would fight for a relationship and would do whatever it takes to make something work.

00:16:30.149 --> 00:16:33.802
So perhaps that's why they choose this individual.

00:16:34.844 --> 00:16:39.273
Oh my gosh, you are again hitting the nail on the head.

00:16:39.273 --> 00:16:56.015
I think that we should probably take some time to really talk about those different layers of people, because it's important for everyone to know where they are in their life and to listen.

00:16:56.015 --> 00:17:01.202
I'm going to be a little confusing right now, just because there's too many things in my head that I'm trying to say.

00:17:01.202 --> 00:17:15.324
I didn't learn until I was in my 40s this one thing that I should have asked everybody in my life, and it's because I was asked the question, and that is what's your angle.

00:17:15.324 --> 00:17:25.646
And when that person asked me that question, I was just silent for so long because I didn't have an angle.

00:17:25.646 --> 00:17:29.846
I didn't even know how to answer that question, let alone try to break down or interpret the question.

00:17:29.846 --> 00:17:43.859
And then I realized, oh my gosh, if I would have just asked that question to this list of people in my brain, I probably would have seen these flags we were talking about a little while ago, a lot sooner.

00:17:44.664 --> 00:17:53.545
So sometimes what you were saying just a moment ago, you know when this person is strong and they know that they'll fight for the relationship.

00:17:53.545 --> 00:17:55.112
So then that's who they go for.

00:17:55.112 --> 00:17:57.891
Yeah, you're absolutely.

00:17:57.891 --> 00:17:59.214
You're absolutely correct.

00:17:59.214 --> 00:18:00.490
And why?

00:18:00.490 --> 00:18:07.171
Because maybe that's the challenge, maybe that's what they feel that they need to.

00:18:07.171 --> 00:18:18.037
Unfortunately, this is the sad case of the abusive behaviors that we're here to talk about, but that's the challenge so that that strong person cannot be broken down.

00:18:18.037 --> 00:18:20.650
I was able to conquer that.

00:18:20.650 --> 00:18:25.165
I was able to break that down and take control Right.

00:18:26.028 --> 00:18:26.871
I completely agree.

00:18:26.871 --> 00:18:28.596
You're the next challenge, yeah.

00:18:29.848 --> 00:18:30.150
Yeah.

00:18:30.150 --> 00:18:39.208
Or it could be what we talked about earlier, where it's like oh yeah, they came from a broken home, they just need to be told how beautiful they are and how much they're loved.

00:18:41.133 --> 00:18:42.376
Oh, it makes me want to vomit.

00:18:45.145 --> 00:18:48.493
So you know, and then, and then there's people with titles right.

00:18:48.493 --> 00:18:56.671
Just just because they're president, you know, male or female, they have this great title, or they're known in the community, or they have this beautiful status.

00:18:56.671 --> 00:19:05.746
That's like, oh my gosh, you know, it's almost like having fans right, like as if there's some sort of celebrity on both sides, anyways.

00:19:05.746 --> 00:19:08.115
And then that becomes the challenge.

00:19:08.115 --> 00:19:22.738
It's just to have the clout, it's just to be that, yeah, I'm with so-and-so, to have that title right, and that title could also be a manipulator to go after and get whatever is desired.

00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:24.681
Absolutely.

00:19:24.681 --> 00:19:41.894
I think maybe it just boils down to you have something that they want, yes, and that's what they're going for, and that's what they're trying and, like you said, it could be power, it could be intelligence, it could be whatever strength, and they want that.

00:19:41.894 --> 00:19:58.237
They don't have that themselves, so they want that and that's why you're the challenge I wanted to say, you know, maybe asking you like, what is your angle, that you know what, that it twists it now to where it's a you thing, it's not a me thing, it's not.

00:19:58.237 --> 00:20:00.287
You know, that's so interesting.

00:20:01.069 --> 00:20:05.993
Yeah and then yeah, and I think if there's a knee jerk answer and it sounds so good, then they were.

00:20:05.993 --> 00:20:07.886
It was premeditated, they were they.

00:20:07.886 --> 00:20:10.733
They have that answer already somewhere up their sleeve.

00:20:10.733 --> 00:20:19.788
Because if there's really nothing there or there's, like you know, something that's very specific, you know, I don't, I don't know.

00:20:19.788 --> 00:20:20.249
It's like.

00:20:20.249 --> 00:20:21.592
This know it's a good test.

00:20:21.592 --> 00:20:22.614
Where are they?

00:20:22.614 --> 00:20:24.337
Are they going to be honest?

00:20:24.337 --> 00:20:31.446
You'll be able to pick it up.

00:20:31.446 --> 00:20:33.451
I think there's so many layers to really take a part in that question and in that response.

00:20:33.451 --> 00:20:35.296
See how long it takes for them to respond.

00:20:35.296 --> 00:20:36.417
What is that answer?

00:20:37.984 --> 00:20:41.230
Yeah, because, as you were saying that I was sitting here, I'm like what if somebody?

00:20:41.230 --> 00:20:47.807
I have no idea what I would answer, because I don't, I'm just me you know, I don't know what.

00:20:47.807 --> 00:20:48.789
There's no angle.

00:20:48.789 --> 00:20:50.073
I don't get what that even.

00:20:50.073 --> 00:20:52.238
I don't even know how I could answer that.

00:20:52.884 --> 00:20:54.968
Exactly, yeah, and you know.

00:20:54.968 --> 00:20:56.109
I think that.

00:20:56.109 --> 00:20:58.513
You know I'm going to be a little biased here.

00:20:58.513 --> 00:21:01.818
That's probably more so on the women's side because we don't have that angle.

00:21:01.818 --> 00:21:05.384
I'm not saying, you know, I'm not speaking for all of us.

00:21:05.384 --> 00:21:08.239
There are some abusive women out there that definitely have an angle.

00:21:08.239 --> 00:21:15.011
They just want to level themselves up, use whoever they want to get juice them is what I call it, you know and then move on to the next and see who else they can juice.

00:21:15.011 --> 00:21:18.556
You know, that's just a real thing, you know.

00:21:18.556 --> 00:21:26.611
But we won't go down that road right now I love that term juice them, that's great yeah, it is both ways, you know.

00:21:26.691 --> 00:21:36.766
But you know, um, I, I I was able to work with someone else in the past that said they, you know, asked several men when was the last time you were in fear for your life?

00:21:36.766 --> 00:21:45.711
And you know, really, it took more, up to like five minutes to answer and it was like you know something from childhood, you know.

00:21:45.711 --> 00:21:49.092
But then when you ask a woman, when was the last time you were in fear for your life?

00:21:49.092 --> 00:21:50.901
You know, the answers are immediate.

00:21:50.981 --> 00:22:00.912
I was at when I was at the grocery store, when I was going for a walk, you know, like there really is fear that is within us every single day in society.

00:22:00.912 --> 00:22:02.214
You know, alone.

00:22:02.214 --> 00:22:20.675
So when we feel like we are emotionally attached and we are in a trusting relationship and there is vulnerability there, and then we start getting chipped away and chipped away, and chipped away mentally, emotionally, financially, you know, and sometimes physically and sexually, spiritually.

00:22:20.675 --> 00:22:21.397
You know.

00:22:21.397 --> 00:22:30.684
Emotionally, financially, you know, and sometimes physically and sexually spiritually, you know.

00:22:30.684 --> 00:22:36.637
That type of abuse, I think, is very much more long-term and detrimental to us as it relates to healing and coping, than that physical, you know, abuse.

00:22:38.164 --> 00:22:42.146
I agree, and not to downplay physical abuse, because it's horrific.

00:22:42.146 --> 00:22:50.573
But if somebody comes up to you, you know you're in a relationship, you've gone on two dates and they punch you in the face Whoa, what's going on here.

00:22:50.573 --> 00:22:56.296
You know and you know hopefully that's a big enough wake up call that you're, you're out of there.

00:22:56.296 --> 00:23:08.103
But I just I don't know if the Netflix has a documentary series and I actually just did kind of a quick episode that I posted, just going over what my thoughts were.

00:23:08.103 --> 00:23:09.751
I didn't redo the stories, because they did.

00:23:09.751 --> 00:23:21.192
It was great stories, but one of them they were married and it was just emotional, not just, but it was emotional, psychological abuse, controlling behavior.

00:23:21.192 --> 00:23:35.230
For years they were married, they had kids and years later he punched her and so when you get to that that was enough for her, which a lot of times that's not you excuse it away.

00:23:35.230 --> 00:23:42.643
You think, well, okay, he or she was drinking or they had a really bad day that day.

00:23:42.643 --> 00:23:54.926
So they've never been physical before, but they've been laying that groundwork, that emotional and psychological abuse, where they're, like you said, they're taking you apart piece by piece, to where now you doubt yourself.

00:23:54.926 --> 00:24:04.326
You're not that strong person that came into the relationship and I think of myself like I turned into a shell of what I used to be.

00:24:04.326 --> 00:24:12.365
I was just like this little shell before it got physical and I didn't have any of my strengths to fall back on.

00:24:12.365 --> 00:24:32.595
You know, at that long-term effect of the mind, mental abuse, because that's where you don't see it and I was actually.

00:24:32.615 --> 00:24:34.625
I was just speaking to somebody about this.

00:24:34.625 --> 00:24:34.925
It was.

00:24:34.925 --> 00:24:48.337
It's almost like this teeny, tiny little virus that stays there in your brain, it they put it there, and now it's stuck there and you can encapsulate it and put it aside and ignore it.

00:24:48.337 --> 00:24:57.317
But if you ignore it, it it can fester and it can grow and it can explode on you with no idea that it's even coming.

00:24:57.317 --> 00:24:59.490
So you have to know it's there.

00:24:59.490 --> 00:25:00.355
You have to.

00:25:00.355 --> 00:25:12.873
You don't want to nurture it, you don't want it to grow, but you you have to, like, keep it, keep it in check and recognize it and say, okay, I know I had this trauma, it's been sitting there.

00:25:13.513 --> 00:25:19.269
I know, going forward into this situation, I may have this reaction, I might have these feelings.

00:25:19.269 --> 00:25:24.797
Those feelings are okay, that reaction's okay, but you know, I don't know.

00:25:24.797 --> 00:25:36.506
It's a very difficult place to get to, and I mean, therapy for sure helps and having good, strong support system helps, but not everybody has that.

00:25:36.506 --> 00:25:38.366
So you know, what do those people do?

00:25:38.366 --> 00:25:40.508
You don't have the financial means to get.

00:25:40.508 --> 00:25:44.990
I mean it's a lot of money to see therapy, a therapist and yeah.

00:25:44.990 --> 00:25:49.273
So like, how do you, how do you get past that?

00:25:49.273 --> 00:25:49.755
How do you?

00:25:49.755 --> 00:25:50.555
How do you fix that?

00:25:50.555 --> 00:25:56.038
You can go to the hospital for a broken arm and they'll fix it, but how that?

00:25:56.038 --> 00:26:02.442
That mental and emotional, those scars are deep and not even necessarily recognizable right away.

00:26:03.904 --> 00:26:13.252
That's right, and you know I'm going to take what you just said as an opportunity to share a little bit more about me and my story.

00:26:13.252 --> 00:26:22.018
I just gave a little bit of background in the beginning, but the story here where it gets hot and heavy and all that kind of stuff, I'm just kidding.

00:26:22.018 --> 00:26:41.128
After I had my daughter as a teenager and I broke it off with the dad, the donor I call him, and all that drama that led up until he finally left, he left, he left the city, he left the state, he got himself in enough trouble that he needed to go.

00:26:41.128 --> 00:26:43.674
So I was like thank you, thank you, thank you.

00:26:43.674 --> 00:26:48.212
I do not need to co-parent, I can do my own thing and whatever.

00:26:48.212 --> 00:26:50.019
But did I get child support?

00:26:50.019 --> 00:26:52.425
No, did he make phone calls to get to know his daughter?

00:26:52.425 --> 00:26:58.314
No, did he ever call to see how I was doing, how she was doing, if there was any help that was ever needed to make sure that she was okay?

00:26:58.314 --> 00:27:01.397
No, fine, no problem, okay.

00:27:01.798 --> 00:27:06.430
So I go back to school, I get my GED, I go to college.

00:27:06.430 --> 00:27:13.553
Like the day after, literally, they came in and they said tomorrow's the last day to register for college for all of you GED student graduates.

00:27:13.553 --> 00:27:15.965
I said I was in line, all right.

00:27:15.965 --> 00:27:20.153
So, um, I got to the place where I had my own apartment.

00:27:20.153 --> 00:27:30.869
That was right across the street from where my daughter went to school, and then two blocks, three blocks down was the babysitter and three blocks the other direction was my job.

00:27:30.869 --> 00:27:39.446
So, even if my car broke down, my daughter would be at the babysitter and make it to school on time and I will make it to work on time and be able to pick her up from school when the bell rings.

00:27:39.446 --> 00:27:42.413
Okay, that is how, on lock, I had it.

00:27:43.094 --> 00:27:47.007
Now, feeling independent on top of the world, you can't tell me anything.

00:27:47.007 --> 00:27:49.692
I got it down to a science, right.

00:27:49.692 --> 00:27:54.188
And then here comes Mr Right in the shining armor, right.

00:27:54.188 --> 00:27:57.915
So here I am, thinking I got my life together.

00:27:57.915 --> 00:28:00.849
So, you know, you, you attract what you are.

00:28:00.849 --> 00:28:07.969
You know this was before Facebook and all that stuff, so there was no real like you know, let me see what you're about type of thing, let me see your background.

00:28:07.969 --> 00:28:29.153
So, anyways, I ended up, um, pregnant with my second child, and he was offered a job all the way across, you know, the other side of the States, and I was like, okay, you know, I shared with you my childhood, when you are born into a not so great neighborhood and that is your life.

00:28:29.153 --> 00:28:33.548
Getting out of that is like you're making it right, You're out.

00:28:33.587 --> 00:28:34.570
Yes, you're successful.

00:28:34.570 --> 00:28:38.267
Well, I'm still questioning that to this day.

00:28:38.267 --> 00:28:39.950
What does making it mean, right?

00:28:39.950 --> 00:28:42.355
So long story short.

00:28:42.355 --> 00:28:45.067
Um, he was offered the opportunity.

00:28:45.067 --> 00:28:47.473
I said yes, he went first, I would.

00:28:47.473 --> 00:28:50.008
I waited until my daughter was on spring vacation.

00:28:50.008 --> 00:28:56.166
I finished my semester, I voluntarily left my job, packed all my stuff, took the road trip.

00:28:56.166 --> 00:29:10.892
Okay, I was seven months pregnant taking that road trip, and so when we got to our place, I was just more so focused on getting to know the neighborhood, getting to know who my new doctors were going to be getting my daughter into the school.

00:29:10.892 --> 00:29:19.906
She didn't even miss a day because I did this during her spring vacation, and so our belongings arrived about three weeks after we did.

00:29:20.449 --> 00:29:25.911
So while I'm unpacking, getting all our stuff kind of settled in, I'm in this nesting period now.

00:29:25.911 --> 00:29:28.498
I'm on my eighth month of pregnancy here.

00:29:28.498 --> 00:29:32.709
I have found belongings of another woman.

00:29:32.709 --> 00:29:45.988
So when the donor now I call him gets home, I waited until dinner was done, homework was done, the home was cleaned up and my daughter was sleeping.

00:29:45.988 --> 00:29:55.449
And I said to him I found belongings of another woman while I was putting my stuff away and I would like to know what the heck is going on here and he said you're going through my stuff.

00:29:55.449 --> 00:30:00.728
I said no, I'm not going through your stuff, I'm putting my stuff away as I'm unpacking.

00:30:00.728 --> 00:30:17.915
And while I was doing that I found the belongings of another woman and before I could finish my sentence, he had already backhanded or not backhanded, but like hit me to the floor and sat on my stomach and with his left hand around my neck.

00:30:17.915 --> 00:30:26.516
He's with his right hand, closed, fist, punching, punching, punching to the head, and I don't know what the heck I'm doing, squirming, making noises, I don't know.

00:30:27.365 --> 00:30:31.874
And then I hear my daughter's voice at the top of the stairs Mom, mom.

00:30:31.874 --> 00:30:36.728
I never heard her voice in that scared tone ever.

00:30:36.728 --> 00:30:45.867
And all of a sudden it rang to my ears, to the center of my core heart being, and I said that's my daughter.

00:30:45.867 --> 00:30:54.371
And I slammed my feet on the flat on the ground and I pushed my hips to the ceiling to have him roll off of me.

00:30:54.371 --> 00:30:56.116
I popped up on my feet.

00:30:56.116 --> 00:30:57.500
I don't have no idea how.

00:30:57.500 --> 00:30:59.346
I ran around the couch.

00:30:59.346 --> 00:31:02.576
She was already taking that last step off that stair.

00:31:02.576 --> 00:31:04.509
I grabbed her by her little hand.

00:31:04.509 --> 00:31:09.508
We ran out the front door, which was right there by the couch, barefoot and in pajamas.

00:31:10.730 --> 00:31:13.798
And that was the first time he ever was physical.

00:31:14.325 --> 00:31:32.173
And that was the first time he was ever physical, and I purposefully, I purposefully, had an argument, like a big argument with him before we even left where we were both from, because I needed to see where his temper was, what his, you know, and it's not that I was worried about it, this was actually like an advice from my friend which I took.

00:31:32.173 --> 00:31:49.537
So there was no sign of abusive behaviors of any sort, because I would have never even entertained moving and leaving my life behind if I knew that there was an inkling of something like that that was going to happen.

00:31:49.537 --> 00:32:01.420
Okay, so for the sake of time, I'm not going to go too deep into like those moments after and all that kind of stuff.

00:32:01.420 --> 00:32:09.626
What I can tell you is that you know that was almost 20 years ago, okay, and so from those 20 years, I never went back home.

00:32:09.626 --> 00:32:12.355
Okay, you do not Let me.

00:32:12.355 --> 00:32:13.920
Let's talk about some safety things here.

00:32:15.042 --> 00:32:17.692
I was able to call the police that evening and he was taken away.

00:32:17.692 --> 00:32:19.959
All right, I didn't know what the what the laws were, cause it was a brand new state that I was in, county.

00:32:19.959 --> 00:32:28.229
All right, I didn't know what the laws were, because it was a brand new state that I was in county all that I didn't know he was going to get out in two hours when I'm from, chicago.

00:32:28.229 --> 00:32:29.372
You're out in two hours.

00:32:29.372 --> 00:32:29.873
That's nothing.

00:32:29.873 --> 00:32:30.996
Slap on the hands, go, go, go.

00:32:30.996 --> 00:32:33.650
I didn't know, I was worried.

00:32:34.432 --> 00:32:55.376
So, anyways, throughout this 20 years of my life, navigating the ripple effect, the ongoing trauma, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, everything that comes with the abuse that you endure, the devastation I don't want to say abuse the devastation you endure when something like this happens to you.

00:32:55.376 --> 00:32:59.211
Okay is, we'll be here all day.

00:32:59.211 --> 00:33:16.506
I don't want to, I can't, I can't get too deep into all of that, but the navigating that is required to protect, to provide, to stay private, to have feel like you are protected and that you can protect your children, to feel like you have a sense of security.

00:33:16.506 --> 00:33:24.759
You know to be able to be in society without being seen in society or heard in society.

00:33:24.759 --> 00:33:25.727
You know these.

00:33:25.727 --> 00:33:41.718
These are all things that are real and you know communicating your situation when you're embarrassed, when you're ashamed, when you feel like there's this judgment or opinion that's going to be put forth to you, whether that's in your child's school, at your workplace, at anywhere you are.

00:33:42.445 --> 00:33:49.666
There's so much involved in all of this and then, when you are in need, when you have real needs, where do you go?

00:33:49.666 --> 00:33:50.548
Who do you talk to?

00:33:50.548 --> 00:33:54.417
And when you get that need, that changes your circumstances.

00:33:54.417 --> 00:33:58.153
So once your circumstances change, then your needs change again.

00:33:58.153 --> 00:34:03.048
And then, as you're going forward, then your needs change again.

00:34:03.048 --> 00:34:05.357
Right, and then, as you're going forward, moving forward, it's like your trust is gone.

00:34:05.357 --> 00:34:06.080
Your trust is who do you trust?

00:34:06.080 --> 00:34:06.964
You don't want to trust your neighbor.

00:34:06.964 --> 00:34:08.568
You're questioning your friends.

00:34:08.568 --> 00:34:10.134
You're questioning yourself.

00:34:10.193 --> 00:34:14.090
You know there's there's so much, there's so much to it.

00:34:14.090 --> 00:34:26.878
And for those that may not be where I'm at 20 years, you know, 20 years later, you know I'm here to tell you that if you don't like who you are as a person, there's your first red flag.

00:34:26.878 --> 00:34:32.556
If you don't know who you are, if you're confused about who you are, there's another red flag.

00:34:32.556 --> 00:34:38.099
If you are wondering what the heck you're doing, where you're going and what purpose or existence you have, here's another flag.

00:34:38.099 --> 00:34:44.222
And what purpose or existence you have, here's another flag.

00:34:44.222 --> 00:34:52.731
If you're putting, if you have this inner critic that you're convincing yourself, this voice in your head, that you're convincing yourself that you're ugly, that you're stupid, that you can't do this, that you can't.

00:34:52.731 --> 00:34:57.974
If there's any of these negative things that's suppressing you, there's your flags.

00:34:57.974 --> 00:35:01.452
Because yes, you can, yes, you are, yes, you will.

00:35:01.452 --> 00:35:07.545
Yes, yes, you can, yes, you are, yes, you will, yes, yes, you can.

00:35:07.545 --> 00:35:10.655
These are all the things that you know you have to have within yourself to have the strength to get up.

00:35:10.655 --> 00:35:23.655
When you feel like you are down, it's because you are okay, and if you don't have the strength to reach out to other people, then you have to reach within, and mirror neurons are a real thing.

00:35:23.675 --> 00:35:37.726
When I was going through that stuff the next two weeks after that double attempted homicide because that's what it is, it's a double attempted homicide okay I was crying and crying and crying, trying to figure out what, why, how, and you know what I realized.

00:35:37.726 --> 00:35:38.889
That's not.

00:35:38.889 --> 00:35:39.431
I can't.

00:35:39.431 --> 00:35:40.273
I can't do that.

00:35:40.273 --> 00:35:42.777
I can't try to figure out why somebody did what they did.

00:35:42.777 --> 00:35:55.094
I can and I can't sit here and blame myself for not knowing or not being able to see or not being able to prevent what I need, what needs to be focused on, who am I and what do I need to do right now?

00:35:55.094 --> 00:36:03.286
Right now, because if I don't do what I need to do right now I'm going to be stuck in the same place tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow, and today's never going to get here.

00:36:04.148 --> 00:36:06.992
I always would say I would sit and try to figure out.

00:36:06.992 --> 00:36:10.487
Did he know what he was doing?

00:36:10.487 --> 00:36:12.373
Does he really think he's a good guy?

00:36:12.373 --> 00:36:14.559
Did he just get confused?

00:36:14.559 --> 00:36:19.695
I would try to figure out what is going on in his mind.

00:36:19.695 --> 00:36:23.416
Like, did was he deliberate with everything that he's done?

00:36:23.416 --> 00:36:26.255
And then I realized I'm like what is the point?

00:36:26.255 --> 00:36:27.353
Why do I?

00:36:27.353 --> 00:36:32.855
I'm not his therapist, I'm not treating him Like I don't need to know what happened in his brain.

00:36:32.855 --> 00:36:39.516
I need to know what's going on in my brain and where do I go from from there to hear you say that it's crazy?

00:36:39.516 --> 00:36:42.427
I was just talking about this yesterday.

00:36:44.610 --> 00:36:59.101
But that takes strength to do, because when our emotions are so deeply invested and involved, especially if you have children, it know it's like why?

00:36:59.101 --> 00:37:00.943
Why didn't I see it?

00:37:00.943 --> 00:37:02.913
Why couldn't I have prevented it?

00:37:02.913 --> 00:37:11.099
You know, and that's still a part, even though you're questioning yourself, ultimately you're still questioning that behavior.

00:37:11.099 --> 00:37:15.192
You didn't see it and you couldn't prevent it because you didn't know it was there.

00:37:15.211 --> 00:37:25.806
So so yeah, you know when we go through that devastating period and, like I was saying, you know when we go through that devastating period, and like I was saying, you know, when I was going through that time, I actually went down to the mirror.

00:37:25.806 --> 00:37:28.378
I had no idea what mirror neurons were.

00:37:28.378 --> 00:37:31.088
I didn't know that there was even mirror work that existed.

00:37:31.088 --> 00:37:32.110
This wasn't something.

00:37:32.110 --> 00:37:35.427
Mental health and stuff like that wasn't even existent during that time.

00:37:35.427 --> 00:37:46.777
But I was in the mirror and I'm yelling at myself like I was a drill sergeant to my best friend what are you over here crying about?

00:37:46.777 --> 00:37:50.769
Get your head out of here, you know what, and snap out of it.

00:37:50.769 --> 00:37:53.878
You have to do this because your kids are relying on you.

00:37:53.878 --> 00:38:00.514
If you don't get this done, I mean like, oh my gosh, would I have talked to my best friend like that?

00:38:00.614 --> 00:38:05.780
Probably because if that's what you needed to hear, that tough love, you know, then that's what you were going to get.

00:38:05.780 --> 00:38:29.869
Is, how would you defend your child, if you needed to, against a bully against a family member that was antagonizing or tantalizing them or being I don't want to say torturing, but basically annoying the crap out of them?

00:38:29.869 --> 00:38:31.833
How would you defend your kid?

00:38:31.833 --> 00:38:53.117
Because that's the same way you need to defend yourself, the same way you need to talk to yourself, the way you would encourage your child as a toddler, as an adolescent, out on the field, as a cheerleader or a football player, whatever it is that they're doing the way that you would defend and do for you and and you know, and and um encourage your, your baby, is the same way you need to do for you.

00:38:54.565 --> 00:39:07.110
Right and it's so hard, for whatever reason it's so hard to for well, I know for myself, so I can't speak for everyone, but I know for a lot of people to recognize that that is OK to advocate for yourself.

00:39:07.110 --> 00:39:13.273
And one of the most powerful things that I had because I went into therapy, it was my therapist was like you know what?

00:39:13.273 --> 00:39:14.235
Let's do a little visualization experiment.

00:39:14.235 --> 00:39:15.815
It was my therapist was like you know what?

00:39:15.815 --> 00:39:18.157
Let's do a little visualization experiment.

00:39:18.157 --> 00:39:22.579
Close your eyes and write down the events that happened to you.

00:39:22.579 --> 00:39:27.581
And I was like you know, this is like first or second session of me ever doing therapy.

00:39:27.581 --> 00:39:32.423
And I was like this is dumb, and so I'm like whatever, so I'm imagining it.

00:39:32.423 --> 00:39:37.574
And she said, okay, now what I want you to do is I want you to read it.

00:39:37.574 --> 00:39:43.652
And the way she said to write it down, she said don't write it down in first person point of view, like it's third person.

00:39:43.652 --> 00:39:46.565
So now I'm reading it and she's like what do you think?

00:39:46.586 --> 00:39:47.688
And I'm like that poor woman.

00:39:47.688 --> 00:40:07.106
And then I kind of I was like oh, I have like all these emotions for this woman and you know I want to tell like all these emotions for this woman and you know I want to tell like you were abused, you went through this.

00:40:07.106 --> 00:40:07.510
You get up and stop.

00:40:07.510 --> 00:40:08.817
You know, be strong is okay, like everything that you went through.

00:40:08.817 --> 00:40:11.789
It's okay to feel all these feelings, but now you need to go, you need to get up, you need to take care of this.

00:40:11.789 --> 00:40:24.612
And it wasn't until I was able to read it that it was somebody, that it happened to somebody else for me to recognize that I needed to tell that to myself and it's I.

00:40:24.612 --> 00:40:30.170
Just I don't know why it is it's easier to defend another person than it is yourself.

00:40:31.913 --> 00:40:39.112
I don't know why either, but the moment you recognize that you struggle in that, just pretend you're somebody else and get in the mirror and do it.

00:40:42.199 --> 00:40:42.760
Exactly.

00:40:45.925 --> 00:40:47.512
We're making it sound like it's easy.

00:40:47.512 --> 00:40:52.317
It's not easy until the light goes on in your head that that's what needs to be done.

00:40:52.317 --> 00:40:54.463
Then it becomes a little bit easier.

00:40:54.463 --> 00:41:04.155
And if you get to the point where you can do that three times a day literally please look it up Mirror neurons it's a real deal.

00:41:04.155 --> 00:41:06.585
It's scientifically backed.

00:41:06.585 --> 00:41:15.268
When you're looking at yourself and you're saying these positive things to yourself, there's this energy that's just flowing.

00:41:15.268 --> 00:41:17.612
I did it without knowing what it was.

00:41:17.612 --> 00:41:18.934

42-Confronting Domestic Violence: A. Garcia; Part 1

Agape

Listen On

Recent Episodes