Oct. 9, 2024
41-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR and AUTHOR: Michelle Johnson; Part 2
What drives a person to leave an abusive relationship, and what resources do they need to make that courageous leap? Join us for the second part of Michelle's harrowing yet inspiring journey from the grips of domestic violence to a life of empowerment and independence. Michelle shares the meticulous steps she took to escape her abuser, from covertly moving her belongings to the heart-stopping confrontation that nearly derailed her plans. Her story illuminates the immense resilience required to break free and the crucial support systems that can make all the difference.
As we unravel Michelle's experience, we also examine the profound psychological scars that linger long after the physical danger has passed. The complex emotional bonds and trauma that tie victims to their abusers are explored, highlighting the necessity of strategic planning for a safe exit. This episode provides a rare glimpse into the emotional and psychological endurance survivors must muster to reclaim their lives.
Wrapping up, we spotlight initiatives dedicated to empowering survivors and fostering healing through community and storytelling. Michelle introduces "These Flowers Are For You," a journal designed to offer victims a safe space for expression and reflection. This initiative, her upcoming book, "Beauty and the Beast Within," alongside Michelle's inspiring narrative, serves as a beacon of hope and resilience for those navigating the tumultuous path of leaving an abusive relationship. We invite listeners to reflect on the power of shared experiences and the strength found in community support, urging everyone to take part in breaking the cycle of abuse.
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma-bonding
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/michelle-johnson/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Survivor's Journey Through Domestic Violence
07:03 - Survivor Insights on Leaving Abusive Relationships
12:36 - Empowering Through Domestic Violence Advocacy
18:30 - Breaking the Trauma Bond
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.
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I'm your host, ingrid.
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Yesterday, my guest Michelle Johnson detailed her experience with domestic violence.
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Today, we learn how she turned tragedy into beauty.
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Here is part 2 of Michelle's story.
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She and I moved all my stuff.
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We actually hid my vehicle and the moving truck in plain sight.
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A friend of mine had work, like down the street from my apartment that's where her office was so she let us just hide my vehicle there.
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I mean, it's not a place unless you're just working, you're not going to look there, basically.
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But we had to park there and I went to stay at her house and when he got off work he went to my mom's house.
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He literally went to every person that he knew, that I knew house.
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Like it was like probably five, six o'clock in the morning because my mom was calling me, everybody was calling me.
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I didn't answer the phone.
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He was.
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He called me probably about a hundred times.
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He even came to the house that I was at and as soon as that door knocked, all I remember is just rocking.
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I remember rocking and freaking out and my friend coming in there hugging me and said, shh, because her mom stayed that day, because she knew what was happening.
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So her mom answered the door and he kept trying to make his way in there, you know, and they had a gun too and she was like either you're gonna leave or I'm gonna get this gun.
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I'm gonna call the police, I'm gonna let you decide.
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And he was like, well, well, where is she?
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And she's like I don't know.
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We haven't heard from her.
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You know, because he went to my mom.
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He knocked on my mom and said, like 6 o'clock in the morning and he's knocking on my mom's door looking for me, you know, because we took everything.
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And he's like, well, there's nothing left in the apartment and she's gone.
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And then All that happened in the same day.
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I know that they did give us the longest restraining order that was possible.
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I think it was like eight to 10 years.
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And even in court the judge had to like reprimand him because he kept trying to talk to me when they had me on the stand.
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He kept trying to talk to me, he kept trying to apologize, kept trying to say he loved me.
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And the judge is like is something wrong with you?
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You not understand that?
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You got, there was a restraining order and you're in court and you're still trying to talk to her.
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And then, when court was over, they had like us go, you know, separate, like they let me leave first, and I had to completely leave and go down to the little office and they let him, they wouldn't let us, they wouldn't let us leave.
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You know, separately or together.
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I mean at the same time wow.
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I so like where the hospital failed.
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You know when they're stitching you up, like you work in the hospital, know in a lot of the instances, if somebody does have the opportunity to confide in the medical staff, they probably won't anyway and they'll leave with their abuser.
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I know that happens quite often but I think that was a failure.
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But my gosh, how awesome for all of this to happen because of a welfare check.
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That actually really surprises me because I feel like I've, in stories that I've I've read and people I've talked to, I feel like the biggest, like fallback or the biggest I can't think of the word but, um, it's law enforcement that needs more education because it's like they don't pick up on things and hospital staff do.
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But this is like opposite and I think it's so great that that officer is like this is what's going to happen.
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That's amazing.
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Yeah, he was really nice.
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He was a really nice man.
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He really helped me.
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My cousin in Colorado is actually the one who called him because she, I mean she weren't able to get a get a hold of me but he wouldn't let me have my phone so I, well, I couldn't.
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I even remember whenever he would get mad I would start cleaning.
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And when I cleaned I always made sure I went to the dishes, like where knives and stuff were, because I knew when he got mad he was gonna come for me.
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It wouldn't even be anything about me, he would just be mad.
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It knew when he got mad he was going to come for me.
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It wouldn't even be anything about me, he would just be mad.
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It was because he was mad, you know he was coming for me.
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So when I started, you know, I started doing stuff and cleaning.
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Whenever he got mad he started kind of backing up and be like okay, hold on, you know, because I always would stay moving.
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Is your restraining order still in effect or did it expire?
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I think it expired by now.
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I know, like I think it was three years back, a friend of mine.
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She actually said he had inboxed her on Facebook, which he knows that was my friend, because he went to dinner with us.
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And she said the moment she seen it.
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She said she just blocked him.
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And then she called me and was like I just wanted to let you know.
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So is that the only instance you know of that he's tried to contact somebody that you know?
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The only one that I've known.
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Yes, that's the only one that I've known.
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I don't know if he's tried to, because I've changed my names on my social medias and stuff and I make sure to block him, so I don't know if him or anyone has tried, or you know, or I disassociate so much sometimes so if he would have, I would have seen him in public.
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I can't help, but like, literally, being with him, I disassociated so much, just so I could find a place where I didn't feel like I had anxiety.
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Well, and I think that's what our brains do.
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Our brains do whatever it takes to give us peace and make us feel safe, because I think, dealing with this level of trauma, if your brain didn't put up these barriers for you, it's too much to handle.
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You're absolutely right.
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Like I remember, when I first left him, I would use the bathroom in the bed from that trauma.
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I would be so embarrassed and I would be so hurt and I would call my psychiatrist and they'd be like baby, that's the trauma.
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What you're feeling is actually pretty normal, but I'm like, but I don't like this.
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You know, it was scary for me.
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It was really scary.
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I was on so much medication, like trying to help control my emotions, because I would be at work and I would just start crying or if I see somebody that's a victim, it would make me have anxiety and I just I even had to take off work for a while because my mental was so gone Because, like I said, I had literally just left him and moved to Little Rock.
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I moved probably about an hour away, do?
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you think he has any idea where you are?
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I have no idea.
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I have no idea, but I know, if I were to see him, I probably would probably fight him before he would fight me.
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So back to the book.
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You said there's pictures Now.
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Did you draw pictures, or are there actual photograph pictures?
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You said there's pictures are now.
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Did you draw pictures or are there actual photograph pictures?
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I have the actual photograph of the no, what was done to me, like my face, my hands, the bruises, the stitches.
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I have pictures of that stuff and there also are pictures I drew because I went into a very, very bad depression after that.
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Like I feel, like I know that trauma changed me, like I feel as it changed my voice from being choked so much I know that trauma changed me, like I feel like it changed my voice from being choked so much I know it's changed my mental.
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I know I have a lot of memory loss from it because I've got, I mean, like he literally choked me just about every day and like I gave him I made sure I put, you know, sleeping stuff in his food, just so like he would be so deep asleep and I literally would go into my closet and just sit in the corner and just sit there and just just just sit there, just not have him on top of me, because when we're sleeping he literally was on top of me, so because he would think I would leave while he was asleep or something.
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So I want to just because we're talking about, like, when you were leaving and you did it so well, you had help to sneak out I do want to point out again to anyone listening that the most dangerous I mean you had horrific, scary, dangerous things happen to you and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim leaves and that, or or in other words, when the abuser feels like they have lost control, and that's always the most dangerous point of that relationship.
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So if there's anybody that is looking to leave, just understand that and do it in a safe manner.
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And it's usually good to not tell your abuser you plan on leaving.
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Don't give them a heads up to just do it.
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Anybody.
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The only one that knew was the officer and my friend that helped me yeah.
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I didn't tell anybody, I didn't even tell my family, I just and that's exactly the way you need to do it because I think, especially given his level of aggression and you take all the statistics into account I think if you would have told him you were leaving, well, and his threats he threatened that he would find you and I think it would have turned out drastically different if you would have told him that you were leaving oh yes, I didn't even have any money when, like, I had really got a place that I couldn't afford, I moved with nothing.
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I didn't have any money, I didn't have anything.
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I just had a vehicle, my stuff, and that's it.
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Like I struggled for a little bit and I found, like different programs that actually helped me, you know, finance and everything, because I don't think I paid my rent for like four months because I didn't.
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You know, when I moved, I told the woman my, you know what was going on and everything when I was leaving.
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So because I just I couldn't do it anymore, because for me, because, like for me, killing somebody was like I didn't want to.
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It's not it's about me, it's not my personality, but I would have done it versus being killed and I knew I had to go because I literally was planning to kill this man and that is not anything I would ever want on my soul.
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That's not something.
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I was bad enough.
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I see his face.
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You know, on certain times, or there'll be days where I feel like I felt, like I feel literally feels like my neck is swelling, like I feel like I'm being choked.
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I wake up middle of the night grabbing my neck like I'm.
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I mean, your body really does have a memory and it remembers everything that's happened, like sometimes where he cut me will hurt and I'll look and it'll be about the time that it happened like I even have the pictures from the day.
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It happened like we were.
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So we were at Six Flags.
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I took him to Six Flags.
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We were like happy, wonderful.
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He was like acting like he was the best thing in the world to just this thing.
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You know, that night I'm bleeding everywhere.
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We're in the elevator, people are looking at us and he I'm.
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He's sitting here like I'm.
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I almost was going to faint because I was just bleeding.
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I'm in the elevator doing like this and he's sitting there.
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Don't act, don't act right and I'm like you act like I'm trying to act like this and but nobody said anything.
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And I don't know if it's because people in the health care field and police they do.
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Why do it for them to go back?
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And I completely understand, but at the same time, it's not like it's something that we just want to do Like I know I wanted to leave, I know it wasn't good for me and I wanted to go, but at the same time, when I was away.
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I felt like I was going crazy.
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I couldn't sleep.
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I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat.
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I just felt like I couldn't even be.
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Still, I was staying with my friend.
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I just kept having.
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I'm going to leave, I'm going to leave and she's like Michelle, calm down.
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I'm like I don't know why, but I can't.
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I just felt like I had to leave.
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I felt like I couldn't be there.
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I had to just be out in the car driving.
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I don't know, that trauma bond is so real.
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It is so real and it is so strong.
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It really is.
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I understand what you're saying too, with law enforcement and medical professionals getting frustrated.
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Sometimes I see the same person come back in over and over again and it's just like a big sigh.
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But the thing is it's still so important to say like we're here, we can help you, and eventually, hopefully eventually, that person's going to take up that offer.
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I have a friend whose family member was strangled by her boyfriend and this friend is like what, what do I do?
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She doesn't want to press charges, she doesn't.
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And I said you can't.
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You cannot force a victim to do anything.
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And it's heartbreaking to, to watch to, to stand there more or less on the outside watching them get abused.
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But you can't force them to do anything.
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But you can say I'm here for you when you're ready.
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I have, I will do this for you when you're ready.
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And I guess you know that's kind of at this point, the best you can do as somebody trying to support your friend.
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But it's you lose friends, you know, because your friends, your friends, don't want to deal with that.
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And I don't blame them because it hurts, especially because it hurts to see somebody in that situation, especially like where you can just leave.
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But I don't even know why people can't seem to understand that it is not that easy.
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It is.
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It's easier to say I'm a walk away, but it's hard to physically walk away because that person is literally like a drug and you are like the addict for them.
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Like every time I leave I feel like I I'd be, like I would feel like I just couldn't breathe, like panic attacks, and it would be.
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It wouldn't let you happen to.
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Like a day or two later you know the first I'm like, okay, I'm ready to go and then I'll be gone.
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Then they still know I'm like waking up middle of the night doing that and sweating and co-sweating.
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It's crazy, it is crazy absolutely, the people that I'm meeting through doing this are incredible.
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Uh, the majority have been women, but men as well just absolutely incredible.
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And I know when some people get out they just want to escape, they never want to think about domestic violence or abuse again, and that's fine, that's perfectly fine and that's good for them and go be healthy.
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But then there are some who are like what can I do with my trauma to help someone else?
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And it's so.
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I don't want to say it's cool to help someone else.
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And it's so.
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I don't want to say it's cool, but it's really, I guess, empowering to be part of, to be part of this community with, like the worst, the worst fucking hazing to get into it.
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Uh, because you have to.
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You have to go through all of this crap to understand, you know.
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I mean, you can be an advocate and not not be a survivor.
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But for those of us who have gone through it and have survived this crap to turn around and say, like what can I do now for the next person?
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Let me, let me pull somebody up.
00:14:37.668 --> 00:14:51.831
And what I liked about what you said was if this helps one person, and if your book helps one person, it's completely worth it and I agree yeah, yeah, because that that was so scary.
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Like it's just, it's crazy because I can see if anything I can see vividly.
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I can still see the gun in my face, I can still see the smoke, I can still feel it when he pushed it against my forehead.
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I can still hear the ringing when he shot it beside me.
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Like I even can still hear the crunching of the leaves under my feet as we're walking into that property.
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Like that is something that I will never, ever, ever forget.
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Like he always caught in my book.
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Like I don't I haven't put anybody's name in the book.
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I mean it is like to protect everybody, because I know there are people out there who go and hurt people like this.
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But I mean I'm pretty sure suffering you always suffer for what you did, but in the book you know, like I wrote that to him, he's going to know who he is, because he always called me Lena, because my middle name, that's what his name for me.
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But in the book I make sure to put love Lena, so that he knows it's about, because that's what he always called me.
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Like he even like at one point when he first, the first time he ever put his hands on me.
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He did have his mom check him into the little crazy place and then when he went, like he went there because I went to stay back with my mom, you know and I'm like, okay, well, maybe he actually is trying to do this for me.
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He does love me and, oh my God, I mean something to him because he up, girl, no, that didn't do nothing to make it worse.
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He in there flipping beds that are bolted down on the ground.
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They like they had their beds nailed down in there and I guess the roommate made him mad and they said that he done broke the bed up and then threw it against the wall.
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And I'm like, oh my, I just wish that I wasn't so hurt to be loved, that I did that, you know, because I just wanted to be, I just wanted someone to love me, and I guess I felt that because how he made me feel that his love for me was like everything, like I was just everything for him.
00:16:37.250 --> 00:16:38.130
It is like a drug.
00:16:38.130 --> 00:16:48.524
You just get hit like you get wallops with this love and when it starts to slide down, all you're doing is just you're chasing it, You're trying to get it back and you're like what can I do?
00:16:48.524 --> 00:16:49.985
I do differently, what can I change?
00:16:49.985 --> 00:16:52.548
What can I do to get back to where we were right?
00:16:52.589 --> 00:17:02.320
because I was trying to figure out what I needed to do with myself to make him happy, thinking it was me, and the whole time it wasn't like I really had it convinced in my head that I was the problem.
00:17:02.320 --> 00:17:04.170
Maybe I'm not loving him right.
00:17:04.170 --> 00:17:23.378
Maybe I need to fight because my mom because my mom was a lady that said you know, you fight for your relationship and I'm like shit, I'm being fought, just cause like right and I think that's another thing is everybody says you know, and, and when you're in a relationship, when you're with your partner, like you have to fight, it's work.
00:17:24.101 --> 00:17:29.558
And then there's a misconception of like, well, how much, how much of this am I supposed to be fighting for?
00:17:29.558 --> 00:17:32.044
Because it's also not supposed to hurt.
00:17:32.044 --> 00:17:42.484
And if I'm crying all the time, if I'm hurt all the time physically, emotionally or whatever then maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to be fighting for.
00:17:42.484 --> 00:17:44.470
And love is supposed to be a partnership.
00:17:44.470 --> 00:17:48.141
It's supposed to be two people working together to make it work.
00:17:48.141 --> 00:17:55.271
Yeah absolutely work, okay, so, um, let's talk about the Kickstarter.
00:17:55.271 --> 00:17:56.114
You have a deadline.
00:17:57.938 --> 00:18:03.421
Yes, but even if the deadline is not met, I'm just going to relaunch it because my book launch date is for November.
00:18:03.851 --> 00:18:04.291
Oh, okay.
00:18:04.531 --> 00:18:05.795
Okay, yeah.
00:18:05.795 --> 00:18:12.419
So even if it doesn't go this time, I'm just going to redo it, but I'm going to do, I'm going to be more detailed with it the next time, okay.
00:18:13.510 --> 00:18:15.679
And so, oh, that's exciting.
00:18:15.679 --> 00:18:17.393
What are you going to?
00:18:17.393 --> 00:18:18.917
What happens with the book launch?
00:18:18.917 --> 00:18:19.500
Do you know?
00:18:22.055 --> 00:18:22.789
I'm not sure what happens.
00:18:22.789 --> 00:18:28.875
I just know that the lady is supposed to put it in Barnes and Noble, amazon and Walmart.
00:18:29.175 --> 00:18:29.496
So I know.
00:18:29.536 --> 00:18:30.817
That's where you know locations.
00:18:30.817 --> 00:18:38.463
And since I have talked to you two, I also and I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to help victims, and I've been thinking about doing a journal.
00:18:38.463 --> 00:18:40.445
I'm going to call it these Flowers Are For you.
00:18:40.445 --> 00:18:41.987
And the reason I call it that?
00:18:41.987 --> 00:18:49.792
Because everybody wants to be like you're staying, you're staying, and they make the person that's in the relationship feel bad for staying.
00:18:49.792 --> 00:18:52.695
It wants to be like you're staying, you're staying, and they make the person that's in the relationship feel bad for staying.
00:18:52.695 --> 00:18:53.856
But I don't want them to feel that way.
00:18:53.856 --> 00:18:54.397
I want to make a journal.
00:18:54.397 --> 00:19:01.265
So, regardless if they choose to stay or they choose to go, if they choose to stay and something happens, people will have that journal so they can at least read what that person went through.
00:19:01.265 --> 00:19:02.807
That's why it's called these Flowers Are For you.
00:19:02.807 --> 00:19:13.574
Oh, I love that.
00:19:13.574 --> 00:19:16.345
I'm going to put in the journal different ways, different, like meditation, different prayers, different affirmations, different help because a lot of the reason why we stay is
00:19:16.212 --> 00:19:17.248
because we ourselves are insecure.
00:19:17.248 --> 00:19:17.705
That's why we say because we're thinking we can't find anybody else.
00:19:17.705 --> 00:19:18.462
Well, and you believe so I'm doing this book.
00:19:18.462 --> 00:19:19.824
You believe all the bad things because I didn't.
00:19:19.824 --> 00:19:27.452
I didn't think I was yes, I didn't think I was pretty, I didn't think I, you know, I'm like I can't get anybody right there, you know, and I mean, but it wasn't true.
00:19:27.833 --> 00:19:32.036
So I'm gonna put these flowers are for you because these flowers are for you If you're living.
00:19:32.036 --> 00:19:36.778
These flowers are for you because you can celebrate the fact that you got out of it and you can see your progress.
00:19:36.778 --> 00:19:42.041
And if you happen to say, something happens've started doing the pages and everything.
00:19:42.041 --> 00:19:44.123
I just haven't got it quite ready yet to be launched.
00:19:44.123 --> 00:20:00.916
But that is my next one, because I want to help in a way that doesn't make people feel like they have to feel, make you feel bad for staying.
00:20:00.916 --> 00:20:09.201
They really do and I don't want people to feel bad for staying, because I understand, I get it because it is so hard to leave.
00:20:09.201 --> 00:20:14.659
You know, in your head it's not right, but your body and your heart, you're just torn between the two emotions.
00:20:14.659 --> 00:20:15.721
It's hard.
00:20:15.721 --> 00:20:26.241
So I want the person to be celebrated, whether they're able to get out of it and be like this is my story, or if they lose their life, then their story is still there as well.
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