39-October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Transcript

WEBVTT

00:00:00.501 --> 00:00:02.366
Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.

00:00:02.366 --> 00:00:03.810
I'm your host, ingrid.

00:00:03.810 --> 00:00:10.512
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I have a lot in store for you going forward.

00:00:10.512 --> 00:00:18.533
I'm taking a different approach today and in doing so, hope to get a lot of judgments and misconceptions related to victims cleared up.

00:00:18.533 --> 00:00:21.260
So let's get into it.

00:00:40.031 --> 00:00:43.875
I recently watched Netflix's docuseries Worst Ex Ever.

00:00:43.875 --> 00:00:51.786
I initially thought I should do an episode on Ben Foster, the perpetrator in the first episode, but then I honestly thought why.

00:00:51.786 --> 00:00:55.310
Netflix did a superb job with their interviews.

00:00:55.310 --> 00:01:00.572
Each episode is told by the victims, families and law enforcement directly involved.

00:01:00.572 --> 00:01:09.225
So instead of delivering a most likely subpar version, I decided to discuss key points that stood out to me in the four episode series.

00:01:09.225 --> 00:01:16.307
I think saying this podcast episode contains spoilers doesn't sound right and feels sort of callous.

00:01:16.307 --> 00:01:21.304
The docuseries covers the true events that happened to actual people.

00:01:21.304 --> 00:01:26.884
I will be mentioning incidents that happened, but will avoid telling the entire story.

00:01:26.884 --> 00:01:31.534
If you prefer watch the series first, then come back to this.

00:01:31.534 --> 00:01:37.593
Netflix does give a disclaimer, but please keep in mind the stories may be triggering to some.

00:01:38.140 --> 00:01:46.754
Episode 1 chronicles the lives of three women who were abused by one man, spanning from June 2012 to January 2023.

00:01:46.754 --> 00:01:57.087
Amber's relationship with Ben parallels nearly every domestic violence relationship Charming, charismatic abuser love bombs their partner.

00:01:57.087 --> 00:02:03.766
The eventual true character surfaces as abuse begins and becomes more evident.

00:02:03.766 --> 00:02:07.581
There are a few items in this episode that got my attention.

00:02:07.581 --> 00:02:12.075
Amber filed charges against Ben when he first physically assaulted her.

00:02:12.075 --> 00:02:16.989
He was arrested and sentenced to domestic violence, counseling and community service.

00:02:16.989 --> 00:02:19.020
He was free in just a few months.

00:02:19.020 --> 00:02:21.765
He stalked her and attacked again.

00:02:21.765 --> 00:02:25.433
She escaped and 911 was called by those assisting her.

00:02:25.433 --> 00:02:33.443
By the time the police got to the home, ben had cleaned up, injured himself and told a story of how Amber attacked him.

00:02:33.443 --> 00:02:42.669
She was arrested and remained in jail for 18 hours, even though a simple search would have revealed Ben already had a record of domestic violence.

00:02:42.669 --> 00:02:47.764
Amber's case was eventually dismissed After some time had passed.

00:02:48.045 --> 00:02:50.012
Ben apologized via text.

00:02:50.012 --> 00:02:54.783
He mentioned he was in therapy and wanted to apologize in person for closure.

00:02:54.783 --> 00:02:57.868
Amber agreed because she felt bad for him.

00:02:57.868 --> 00:03:02.061
Yes, she felt bad for him.

00:03:02.061 --> 00:03:04.804
This comment really hit home for me.

00:03:04.804 --> 00:03:12.252
Despite the abuse we were subjected to, there is still something inside some of us that feels empathy toward that person.

00:03:12.252 --> 00:03:14.795
I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

00:03:14.795 --> 00:03:23.347
In fact, I'm proud that part of me wasn't destroyed but that empathy can make one susceptible to being harmed again.

00:03:24.268 --> 00:03:29.514
Ben and Amber began to talk and hang out until he did attack her once more.

00:03:29.514 --> 00:03:35.322
This time he strangled her until she lost consciousness.

00:03:35.322 --> 00:03:46.295
I know I bring these statistics up a lot, but with strangulation, a victim has a 750% increased risk of being killed by their abuser within one year.

00:03:46.295 --> 00:03:52.967
82% of police homicides are committed by someone who has a strangulation history.

00:03:52.967 --> 00:03:57.483
Amber didn't stick around to find out what would happen in a year.

00:03:57.483 --> 00:04:02.742
The state actually pressed charges and everyone awaited a trial to be announced.

00:04:03.585 --> 00:04:06.461
Meanwhile, ben moved on to his next victim, jamie.

00:04:06.461 --> 00:04:12.574
As Ben's abuse escalated with her, jamie mentions she was too embarrassed to tell anyone.

00:04:12.574 --> 00:04:16.507
Okay, guys, this is one reason victims stay.

00:04:16.507 --> 00:04:18.473
It is embarrassing.

00:04:18.473 --> 00:04:27.867
How is one supposed to first admit to themselves they are being abused, and therefore a victim, then secondly confide in others?

00:04:27.867 --> 00:04:32.752
The level of judgment that can be put on the victim is disgusting.

00:04:32.752 --> 00:04:34.906
How did you let that happen?

00:04:34.906 --> 00:04:37.829
What did you do to make them act that way?

00:04:37.829 --> 00:04:45.086
That judgment alone keeps people from talking about what is going on, which means they have no resources to fall back on.

00:04:45.086 --> 00:04:46.848
They have nowhere to go.

00:04:48.435 --> 00:04:52.125
Getting back to Jamie's story brings about another reason victims don't leave.

00:04:52.125 --> 00:04:55.644
Frankly, it's the lack of faith in the legal system.

00:04:55.644 --> 00:05:02.408
She filed a restraining order and was told the police would knock on the door to her home that Ben was living in.

00:05:02.408 --> 00:05:06.865
If he didn't answer, they would simply post the paperwork on the door.

00:05:06.865 --> 00:05:10.384
She asked if they could at least escort her in to collect her belongings.

00:05:10.384 --> 00:05:11.026
They said they don't do that.

00:05:11.026 --> 00:05:13.514
What she asked if they could at least escort her in to collect her belongings.

00:05:13.514 --> 00:05:15.677
They said they don't do that.

00:05:15.677 --> 00:05:16.057
What?

00:05:16.057 --> 00:05:19.519
This was 2018, just six years ago.

00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:24.845
So now tell me, how likely would you be to file this piece of paper?

00:05:24.845 --> 00:05:28.028
That will only piss off your abuser even more.

00:05:28.028 --> 00:05:31.071
You won't be given any layer of protection.

00:05:31.071 --> 00:05:36.298
Well, ben didn't answer, answer and the paper was posted.

00:05:36.298 --> 00:05:39.345
Jamie was too exhausted and had nowhere else to go.

00:05:39.345 --> 00:05:44.744
She went inside and fell asleep, only to awaken later with Ben on top of her.

00:05:45.908 --> 00:05:49.137
After being held hostage for days, jamie escaped.

00:05:49.137 --> 00:05:52.608
She was taken to the hospital in the car of a stranger.

00:05:52.608 --> 00:06:06.427
Here's a positive I want to highlight In both Jamie and Amber's situations they, at one point, found themselves in the car of a stranger, a helpful individual that offered their own vehicle as a place of refuge.

00:06:06.427 --> 00:06:15.141
Now, I'm not advocating to just let any stranger into your vehicle that obviously could be dangerous.

00:06:15.141 --> 00:06:20.165
But if you see something, say something, do something.

00:06:20.165 --> 00:06:22.887
At minimum, call for help.

00:06:22.887 --> 00:06:27.831
While in the emergency department, jamie reluctantly gives her report to the police.

00:06:27.831 --> 00:06:36.814
I say reluctantly because she was afraid the police would not be able to protect her.

00:06:39.795 --> 00:06:43.894
Ben was arrested and stood trial for the combined cases of Jamie and Amber.

00:06:43.894 --> 00:06:49.557
Jamie was too traumatized, understandably, to attend the trial.

00:06:49.557 --> 00:06:55.430
The DA stated that without a victim physically present, the charges of first-degree kidnapping, battery, domestic violence and strangulation would not stand.

00:06:55.430 --> 00:07:07.120
It wouldn't stand despite the police reports, hospital records and photographs documenting her shaved head, two black eyes, seven broken ribs and multiple lacerations.

00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:09.002
Here's another fear.

00:07:09.002 --> 00:07:23.057
Victims don't want to be, can't be, shouldn't have to be re-victimized, sitting in the same room as their abuser, reliving their trauma while getting interrogated by the defense.

00:07:23.057 --> 00:07:26.689
Ben was able to plead guilty to lesser charges.

00:07:26.689 --> 00:07:33.007
He was sentenced to a maximum of 30 months and was given credit for time previously served.

00:07:33.007 --> 00:07:35.499
He was released in 2021.

00:07:36.482 --> 00:07:39.750
This brings us to Ben's next victim, justine.

00:07:39.750 --> 00:07:44.985
She didn't know him very long and, because of some questionable behavior, googled him.

00:07:44.985 --> 00:07:48.516
She found his record and reported it to their boss.

00:07:48.516 --> 00:07:51.685
Ben was fired and took it out on Justine.

00:07:51.685 --> 00:07:56.898
He held her hostage, beat and tortured her to the point of near death.

00:07:56.898 --> 00:08:00.584
She was found by a friend just in time.

00:08:00.584 --> 00:08:04.961
A manhunt commenced With the national coverage of the search.

00:08:04.961 --> 00:08:12.807
An acquaintance of Jamie contacted her to apologize for not believing her claims of abuse until there was a third victim.

00:08:13.935 --> 00:08:18.668
I'm going to end discussion of this episode here and move on to episode two.

00:08:18.668 --> 00:08:23.146
This episode follows Eric's abuse by his wife, rosa.

00:08:23.146 --> 00:08:31.709
Yes, you guys, men can be victims of domestic violence, and not just in gay relationships.

00:08:31.709 --> 00:08:34.375
How on earth can that even happen?

00:08:34.375 --> 00:08:40.148
Men are usually bigger than women, and in Eric and Rose's case that was true.

00:08:40.148 --> 00:08:46.047
So how did a man who possessed a dominant stature become the victim of a petite woman?

00:08:46.047 --> 00:09:03.152
Manipulation, emotional abuse, add sense of duty, commitment and fear of religious repercussions to that list.

00:09:03.152 --> 00:09:07.666
The two had a child together, which worsened the situation.

00:09:07.666 --> 00:09:12.363
Rosa used their daughter in attempts to control Eric even more.

00:09:12.363 --> 00:09:16.110
Thankfully, the legal system got it right this time.

00:09:16.110 --> 00:09:19.818
Eric eventually was given 100% custody.

00:09:19.818 --> 00:09:23.067
The story doesn't end there, though.

00:09:23.067 --> 00:09:32.000
Rose's behavior escalated, and while each of these stories are tragic, this one had a particularly heartbreaking ending.

00:09:33.186 --> 00:09:41.374
Episode 3 details a relationship that involves manipulating the legal system to thwart the true victim's attempt to receive justice.

00:09:41.374 --> 00:09:47.118
I hope that's not too confusing, but I don't plan on detailing this episode any further.

00:09:47.118 --> 00:09:54.038
I just want to highlight the fact that legal abuse most certainly can be a form of domestic abuse.

00:09:54.038 --> 00:10:01.230
I'm going to take a minute to discuss this a bit more only because this form of abuse is not as widely recognized.

00:10:01.230 --> 00:10:08.033
Legal or litigation abuse is defined as using the law or legal system to control or intimidate.

00:10:08.033 --> 00:10:24.636
There are a few ways this can be done, such as deliberately causing delays in court proceedings, using legal threats, destroying legal documents, not following court orders or, as in this case, making false reports to the police or court.

00:10:24.636 --> 00:10:28.154
And finally, this brings us to episode four.

00:10:29.365 --> 00:10:40.407
Again, this relationship follows the typical domestic violence timeline Love bombing and subtle changes which make the victim question if their behavior is the cause of abuse.

00:10:40.407 --> 00:10:46.285
Another important characteristic of abusers is moving the relationship at a fast pace.

00:10:46.285 --> 00:10:50.315
Amber and Kevin moved in together and were married early.

00:10:50.315 --> 00:10:58.659
Within their relationship, the subtle changes that surfaced included emotional abuse, jealousy and controlling behavior.

00:10:58.659 --> 00:11:02.928
Amber became miserable but was told marriage is hard.

00:11:02.928 --> 00:11:04.652
Try to make it work.

00:11:04.652 --> 00:11:06.696
You guessed it.

00:11:06.696 --> 00:11:17.879
This is yet another reason why victims stay Then years and three children later, kevin suddenly punched Amber in the face.

00:11:22.431 --> 00:11:24.421
And three children later, kevin suddenly punched Amber in the face.

00:11:24.421 --> 00:11:25.225
She chose not to press charges.

00:11:25.225 --> 00:11:30.912
Why, well, this was the first instance of physical abuse.

00:11:30.912 --> 00:11:33.623
She was concerned of what her children would think when they eventually learned their father had a record.

00:11:33.623 --> 00:11:37.850
She wanted him to remain a part of their lives because he was a good dad.

00:11:37.850 --> 00:11:42.639
You guys, this is a common misconception by victims.

00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:50.667
Good dads or moms don't hurt the mother or father of their children Ever.

00:11:50.687 --> 00:11:52.727
Let me interject here with a few more facts.

00:11:52.727 --> 00:12:00.212
There is a greater risk of domestic violence from a partner during pregnancy and up to two years following birth.

00:12:00.212 --> 00:12:03.255
That's a tough pill to swallow.

00:12:03.255 --> 00:12:12.761
Another fact is that it takes a victim of domestic violence an average of seven times of leaving and returning before they stay gone for good.

00:12:12.761 --> 00:12:21.648
This wasn't the case for Amber, because she immediately left and filed for divorce.

00:12:21.648 --> 00:12:30.417
Fact time again and this is an important one the most dangerous time in a domestic violence relationship is when the victim decides to leave.

00:12:30.417 --> 00:12:35.221
The previous imbalance of power in the relationship suddenly shifts.

00:12:35.221 --> 00:12:43.429
The abuser will resort to any tactic in order to regain control over their victim.

00:12:43.429 --> 00:12:52.673
Any tactic, the violence and aggression can escalate to murder, and the primary victim may not be the only casualty.

00:12:54.056 --> 00:13:00.157
I'm not going to get into any more details of the tragedy that unfolds, because I would rather focus on other points.

00:13:00.157 --> 00:13:06.538
Domestic violence can leave victims reeling over what happened to change their partner's behavior.

00:13:06.538 --> 00:13:08.330
Was it something they did?

00:13:08.330 --> 00:13:13.113
Did something happen to their partner, or were they a monster all along?

00:13:13.113 --> 00:13:17.850
Do they know they're a monster or do they really believe otherwise?

00:13:17.850 --> 00:13:19.395
Can they?

00:13:19.395 --> 00:13:21.150
Did they truly change?

00:13:21.150 --> 00:13:23.650
Here's the thing.

00:13:23.650 --> 00:13:28.115
Don't waste any more brain space on trying to figure them out.

00:13:28.115 --> 00:13:33.831
Focus on yourself and your own healing, and that's what Amber did.

00:13:34.645 --> 00:13:40.547
One of my favorite silver linings in covering these horrific stories is the good that can happen.

00:13:40.547 --> 00:14:10.413
Victims can survive, survivors can thrive, and some survivors take it a step further and advocate those warriors carry the torch in attempts to make the path to survive and recover clearer, easier and better for other victims, amber was able to get a bill passed in the state of Washington that includes coercive control and the definition of domestic violence.

00:14:10.413 --> 00:14:17.592
Coercive control is illegal in other countries and has been in the United Kingdom since 2015.

00:14:17.592 --> 00:14:21.168
It is not illegal in the United States, though.

00:14:21.168 --> 00:14:29.336
Coercive control is basically utilization of other forms of abuse or tactics in order to exert control over a victim.

00:14:30.298 --> 00:14:32.525
I want to leave you with one parting thought.

00:14:32.525 --> 00:14:42.559
It's important to note that as you watch this docuseries if you do you're already identifying that there's a bad guy in the story.

00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:50.778
The way the interviews are conducted and the timeline presented make it very easy to discern who that person is.

00:14:50.778 --> 00:15:00.096
You are able to watch forming judgments and feeling empathy appropriately In real time, though that is often not the case.

00:15:00.096 --> 00:15:07.038
So go forward in this month designed to raise awareness in domestic violence and educate yourself.

00:15:07.038 --> 00:15:22.830
Recognize the signs of abuse, show grace to those who are struggling to survive, support the victims, even though you understand they may not leave or they may go back Better yet, become an advocate.

00:15:22.830 --> 00:15:25.014
Thank you for listening.

00:15:25.695 --> 00:15:28.086
Sources for today can be found in the show notes.

00:15:28.086 --> 00:15:32.177
I will be back later this week with another episode for you.

00:15:32.177 --> 00:15:42.379
Until then, stay strong and, wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.

00:15:42.379 --> 00:15:51.072
Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1in3podcastcom.

00:15:51.072 --> 00:15:55.655
That's the number 1-I-N-3podcastcom.

00:15:55.655 --> 00:16:00.697
Follow 1in3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1in3podcast.

00:16:00.697 --> 00:16:04.956
To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe.

00:16:04.956 --> 00:16:10.706
1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.

00:16:10.706 --> 00:16:10.768
©.

00:16:10.768 --> 00:16:25.605
Transcript Emily Beynon.

39-October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Listen On

Recent Episodes