March 19, 2024
35-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Danielle Patrice; Part 1
Every person's journey is uniquely their own, but it's the shared threads of human experience that tie us together. In a raw and revealing discussion, I had the privilege of sitting down with Danielle, whose life as a domestic violence survivor and activist has been poured into the pages of her book, "Neuroscience: The Ecosystem of Domestic Violence." Her story illuminates the dark corners of a widespread societal issue, offering not just a personal testament but also a deep dive into the com...
Every person's journey is uniquely their own, but it's the shared threads of human experience that tie us together. In a raw and revealing discussion, I had the privilege of sitting down with Danielle, whose life as a domestic violence survivor and activist has been poured into the pages of her book, "Neuroscience: The Ecosystem of Domestic Violence." Her story illuminates the dark corners of a widespread societal issue, offering not just a personal testament but also a deep dive into the complex systems that perpetuate cycles of abuse.
Stripping back the layers of trauma and recovery, this episode walks you through the intricate dance of trust and betrayal and the arduous path to reclaiming one's life after abuse. We tackle the tough topics, from the emotional toll of navigating the legal system to the struggle of re-establishing personal safety and the true meaning of resilience. This conversation is a raw exploration of the harsh realities faced by survivors and the strength it takes to stand up and seek change, not just for oneself but for the countless others whose voices have yet to be heard.
Join us on this powerful journey as we reveal the courage it takes to transform pain into advocacy. We take a stand, advocating for more than just sympathy but for systemic change, as we highlight the crucial role of storytelling in healing and empowering survivors. Our discussion is a call to action, urging listeners to move beyond passive support to become active champions for a future where domestic violence is relegated to the history books. Danielle's bravery and insight are a testament to the human spirit's capacity to overcome and to turn even the most harrowing experiences into a force for good.
See Danielle’s bio and links on the 1 in 3 website 👉https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/danielle-patrice/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:24 - Exploring Domestic Violence and Neuroscience
08:42 - Complicated Relationship Turned Abusive Dynamic
14:36 - Surviving Emotional and Physical Abuse
26:26 - Escaping Domestic Violence Nightmare
36:39 - Empowering Survivors to Share Their Stories
WEBVTT
00:00:24.503 --> 00:00:27.271
Hi, danielle, thank you for coming on and welcome.
00:00:28.402 --> 00:00:29.903
Thank you so much for having me.
00:00:29.903 --> 00:00:31.146
I'm so glad to be here.
00:00:31.146 --> 00:00:33.932
I could not wait for this particular podcast interview.
00:00:33.932 --> 00:00:34.974
So thank you for having me.
00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:37.061
I'm very excited to have you.
00:00:37.061 --> 00:00:39.204
Again, thank you for coming on.
00:00:39.204 --> 00:00:43.188
So we have a couple of things that we're going to talk about.
00:00:43.188 --> 00:00:50.456
You have your own personal domestic violence story that you can share a little bit about, but then you also wrote a book.
00:00:50.456 --> 00:00:58.093
Because of all this so there's so much information to get through I'm going to mute myself and just let you take it away.
00:00:58.840 --> 00:00:59.341
Alright.
00:00:59.341 --> 00:01:11.500
So, yes, I am a mother, I am a domestic violence survivor, I'm an activist and I'm now an author, a self-published author of the book Neuroscience the Ecosystem of Domestic Violence.
00:01:11.500 --> 00:01:42.500
It's a research book that is about helping people understand how domestic violence as a whole affects us, not just, you know, just the couple in the picture, the abuser and the victim, but it also helps understand what's going on from the brain to societal levels, which includes, you know, congress, which includes politics, which includes going into school systems, which includes children, intergenerational violence, introducing, you know, only the abuser and victim, but also introducing the victim defendants.
00:01:42.500 --> 00:01:47.870
It talks about, you know, how our brains are affected through domestic violence as well.
00:01:47.870 --> 00:01:52.500
So it's a plethora of information that talks about domestic violence in its entirety.
00:01:53.621 --> 00:01:58.173
You collaborated with a few individuals to write this book.
00:01:58.173 --> 00:02:01.459
Because of your experience Correct With okay.
00:02:02.903 --> 00:02:11.459
So, yeah, it was a lot of different people from a lot of different backgrounds, which I thought was amazing, because I wanted people from you know the different socio-economical background.
00:02:11.459 --> 00:02:25.500
I wanted people from you know different age ranges, I wanted different you know ethnicities, everybody that plays a role, different professional backgrounds, which was the most important part, because you know, everybody has their own stance and from their own perspective.
00:02:25.500 --> 00:02:31.500
And I think one of the things that people don't understand, or I want to say ignore, is the experience.
00:02:31.500 --> 00:02:45.500
You know, we all have life lessons, we all have experiences, and I think that that's one of the things that I cherish about the interviewees, because they all have different types of experience, no matter how young, no matter how old they are, and they're very wise in their own, in their own way.
00:02:46.544 --> 00:02:50.479
And so for me, I was able to obtain a psychologist, a sociologist.
00:02:50.479 --> 00:03:01.473
I was obtaining a victim defended I want to say not a coordinator, but she was a she's a director over the victim defended organization in Philadelphia.
00:03:01.473 --> 00:03:24.500
I have one as a victim I want to say a victim director of an organization, and I'm not saying it correctly, but you know, we had a CPS worker to children, to social workers and just a lot of people who put their input, you know, and to really get a whole understanding, and that also includes the warden of a correctional facility and a former police officer as well.
00:03:24.500 --> 00:03:29.104
So it's a lot of information I think that people would need to.
00:03:29.104 --> 00:03:36.419
I think would need to hear and also be amazed at understanding like, wow, this is what's happening throughout our entire system, Agreed.
00:03:37.461 --> 00:03:54.500
And surely you had to get all that collaboration, because neuroscience is a huge thing, domestic violence, ecosystem Each of those portions of your title alone are just huge concepts, and domestic violence itself is completely multifaceted.
00:03:54.500 --> 00:04:06.477
There are so many things that influence the abuser, the victims and everything that happens in between, and so, yeah, of course, you had to collaborate with that individual.
00:04:07.118 --> 00:04:21.014
Absolutely, and you know that's the thing too, even because I want to say, you know I'm not a neuroscientist, you know I am a domestic violence survivor who happened to do research and wanting to understand what happened to me while being in this abusive marriage that was for over nine years.
00:04:21.500 --> 00:04:24.399
So I had to, I had to figure out what is going on.
00:04:25.361 --> 00:04:50.459
And so for me, you know, getting the neuroscience information, that was through research, that was through this amazing organization called Pallagent, who enrolled me in their program and, along with the their wonderful mentor, isabella, who I just I'm very grateful for her and her experience, who is a neuroscience grad student, who helped guided me to understand the, the scientific methods and the process of that.
00:04:50.459 --> 00:05:10.197
And so for me, it was starting to research of different, you know, neuroscience, scientific literature reviews and going forth and understand the connection, the correlation between the brain and neuroscience and not even understanding that or not even knowing that this information existed until this research took place.
00:05:10.197 --> 00:05:22.333
So that was the big, you know, like the epiphany moment for me, I'll say having that, and then, in addition, with the interviews, and then I talk about my experience to tie it all together that I mean it was just.
00:05:22.333 --> 00:05:23.654
I felt like this.
00:05:23.654 --> 00:05:30.141
This book was mind blowing and I was just very proud of my work that being able to have this and now being able to share it with all of you, it's amazing.
00:05:30.922 --> 00:05:42.274
And we appreciate that for sure, and I want to maybe kind of circle back to not discuss everything you figured out because we definitely want people to buy this book to.
00:05:42.394 --> 00:06:30.384
Yes, but one of my favorite things to hear in these stories and it doesn't always happen is when someone who is a victim or was a victim of domestic violence, how they are able to turn themselves around and do something like this write a book and take their own experiences and learn an entire new concept of things in order to do this and I think that your story is incredible because you did come from abuse and into the success, and it's those stories that, I feel, give hope to those who are maybe listening and are still in those situations and think, well, what am I, how can I leave what, how can I succeed after I leave?
00:06:30.384 --> 00:06:40.500
So I'm not sure, would you like to share some of your story, to kind of show us where you came from, and then let's let's get to the climax of what you've discovered in this book.
00:06:41.540 --> 00:06:42.161
Yeah, sure.
00:06:42.161 --> 00:06:46.846
So I'll start where I met my former abuser, and that was in college.
00:06:46.846 --> 00:07:15.423
I went to Tennessee State University and I met my husband in 2008 in a Spanish class, and I kind of you know, I want to say when I met him originally, you know it's or seeing, you know of someone or you see them around and I want to say that was kind of the circumstance in the beginning, because we were in the same class but we weren't friends and the thing was was that I was very close with my teacher, who I still am in touch with to this day, and she was happy to see me over the summer.
00:07:15.423 --> 00:07:20.790
She's like you know, I saw Daniel over the summer and my job, that I used to work at this restaurant and I remember learning out.
00:07:20.790 --> 00:07:25.055
He's like you know, it's expensive food and I used to left that because I used to say the same thing.
00:07:25.779 --> 00:07:38.500
Well, as time progressed, there was this particular assignment where we had to do this particular Spanish rap, because we were learning again in Spanish and do this rap, and he noticed right away he's I'm not from the south and so for me, I'm from the East Coast.
00:07:38.500 --> 00:07:41.803
You go to school from a completely different environment.
00:07:41.803 --> 00:07:44.708
People pick up your accent right away oh, you're not from here, you're not from here.
00:07:44.708 --> 00:07:49.834
So for him he picked that up right away and after that we became very good friends.
00:07:49.834 --> 00:08:00.095
He would walk me to class and we would I mean, I would say it was really a good friend for me, I say at that time because I felt like he was there as a friend.
00:08:00.095 --> 00:08:04.096
He would talk all the time and go to different classes together.
00:08:04.096 --> 00:08:05.511
Wouldn't he help me with my car?
00:08:05.511 --> 00:08:09.235
So it was just like I just thought he was a great guy at the time.
00:08:09.235 --> 00:08:22.649
And the interesting thing was, I think about some of the things from back then and I remember a couple of women who weren't particularly keen on him, but I didn't see it because I was a great guy, he was just a really cool guy.
00:08:22.649 --> 00:08:41.915
And so over time, I'll say after I graduated, six weeks after I graduated from college, my mother committed suicide, and I feel that's a very important part to talk about, because that really took everything into a whole different turn.
00:08:42.807 --> 00:08:55.132
After I graduated from college, I was planning to go to grad school, maybe go to the West Coast and start my life, and so that didn't happen, because my bachelor's degree is in communications.
00:08:55.132 --> 00:09:05.110
So that you know my thing was, I was ready to do that and then when my mother passed, everything, just kind of everything, went haywire and he was there again as a friend.
00:09:05.110 --> 00:09:08.030
He was there, he met my family members and some of them.
00:09:08.030 --> 00:09:09.794
They pretty much got along with them.
00:09:09.794 --> 00:09:19.611
But I will say my father at the time he picked up that he liked me and that I had no idea he had his own relationship and you know I was doing my own thing.
00:09:19.611 --> 00:09:30.485
So for me it was like I never dawned on that, like that he actually liked me until later on, when I ended up deciding to I wanted to go back to the East Coast.
00:09:30.605 --> 00:09:45.971
I lived in the South at the time and I said this you know, going back to the East Coast, and you know I really wanted to get out of here because I wanted to really get my life together and not be in the South because my mother passed away in the South at the time.
00:09:45.971 --> 00:09:53.038
And he actually was saying you know I'm actually flying or I'm driving back to my home.
00:09:53.038 --> 00:09:54.308
You know why don't you come with me?
00:09:54.308 --> 00:09:58.653
And then you know you can run a car and drive, you know, back home, back home.
00:09:58.653 --> 00:09:59.928
And so I did that.
00:09:59.928 --> 00:10:06.613
And that's when a lot of things change, because, and the reason why I change and I'm leaving some part out, I'm going to tell you why in a minute.
00:10:06.613 --> 00:10:13.388
But I'm you know, my thing was OK you know I'm a good guy, let's go ahead, we're going to have fun.
00:10:14.446 --> 00:10:20.193
And the thing was I ended up getting in touch with his cousin, who she ended up calling me and saying you know, you know he likes you.
00:10:20.193 --> 00:10:23.047
And I know I didn't like what you mean he likes me.
00:10:23.047 --> 00:10:24.131
He's like don't you have a girlfriend?
00:10:24.131 --> 00:10:25.519
He's like no, he likes you, he likes you.
00:10:25.519 --> 00:10:33.115
And while on that road trip I ended up confronting him and I said, hey, you know, your cousin said you like me and whatnot.
00:10:33.115 --> 00:10:36.413
And so he, even though I knew he had his girlfriend, the story changed.
00:10:36.413 --> 00:10:40.311
He's like you know, I do like you and whatnot, but you know I'm not really with her.
00:10:40.311 --> 00:10:43.374
You know we have really been together since February.
00:10:43.374 --> 00:10:46.787
You know it was and it's like OK, it's like.
00:10:46.947 --> 00:10:49.649
And the thing was what made me consider it was like OK, why would he lie?
00:10:49.649 --> 00:10:54.304
Because I'm not thinking like at this point I'm doing for a year and a half, why would he lie?
00:10:54.304 --> 00:10:57.134
So you know, that kind of started off in that relationship.
00:10:57.134 --> 00:11:06.634
Now I'm leaving out parts of what made me turn to him, because now, because at the end of the day this is a lot of things happen in my family.
00:11:06.634 --> 00:11:14.995
They kind of changed the dynamic also, and the turn of events they kind of, I would say, leaned on him more as a friend.
00:11:14.995 --> 00:11:22.890
And I mean that because so after my mother's passing you know the burial there was some money that I had.
00:11:22.890 --> 00:11:25.572
I had gotten money from her former employer.
00:11:25.572 --> 00:11:40.568
And that was because what was happening was there was a non-exclusivity clause and with that clause there's a it's something where it's like, if certain jobs, if you happen to pass away a certain way, you can or cannot receive any money from that job.
00:11:40.568 --> 00:11:47.269
And that's how I reclaim some money, because you know it was a non-exclusivity Suicide was not, you know, considered.
00:11:47.269 --> 00:11:49.755
Hey, you can't receive money from that.
00:11:49.755 --> 00:11:51.028
So that's the best way.
00:11:51.028 --> 00:11:52.724
I'm trying to explain it off the top of my head.
00:11:52.724 --> 00:11:58.972
But anyway, and then family members were basically saying hey, you know, you have to pay me back for this, you have to pay me back for that.
00:11:59.365 --> 00:12:06.176
And it went from that paying back for the funeral to okay, would you have to pay me back for what you owed me from when I paid for you when you were a child.
00:12:06.176 --> 00:12:07.691
It's like, wait a minute, hold up.
00:12:07.691 --> 00:12:10.514
You know, like you should have talked to my mother about that.
00:12:10.514 --> 00:12:14.166
You know, then I had no control over what you bought when I was a kid, that.
00:12:14.166 --> 00:12:18.856
So it became a lot, of, a lot of issues with my family.
00:12:19.346 --> 00:12:30.528
And then also, in the same same token, I was still grieving my mother within the two months time period, and my father had called me and he said you know, you need to move on, you need to get over it.
00:12:30.528 --> 00:12:36.174
And I was so appalled, I was so offended, I was angry because it.
00:12:36.174 --> 00:12:37.365
You know, I was raised by my mother.
00:12:37.365 --> 00:12:38.591
It was raised by a single parent.
00:12:38.591 --> 00:12:39.889
My father did not raise me.
00:12:39.889 --> 00:12:40.826
So it was.
00:12:40.826 --> 00:12:43.514
You know how dare you say this about my mother.
00:12:43.514 --> 00:12:44.590
You never raised me.
00:12:44.590 --> 00:12:47.245
You know, she was the one that was my main caregiver.
00:12:47.384 --> 00:12:55.113
So I was just so disgusted at that point that it turned, you know, me and my now my husband got really close.
00:12:55.113 --> 00:12:57.673
We got really close because I felt like, you know, I was alone in this.
00:12:57.673 --> 00:12:59.190
I was my mother's only child.
00:12:59.190 --> 00:13:05.429
I did not have my family to really that I could feel like I could be supported in this situation.
00:13:05.429 --> 00:13:23.433
And now I have a situation where I'm with this guy who I think is a great guy, I think he's a great friend, and now things are turning into this role romantic type of situation, because it did end up becoming this whole rolewind of a situation while during this road trip and while, you know, going visit his family and whatnot.
00:13:24.445 --> 00:13:36.154
But I'll say that it turned into a different scenario because one thing I will say is that knowing someone who's an abuser as a friend is completely different than knowing someone that's an abuser being in a relationship.
00:13:36.154 --> 00:13:46.053
I had no idea that he was the kind of person that he was in that relationship, because as a friend, I thought he was wonderful, he was a really great guy, but he put on that charisma.
00:13:46.053 --> 00:13:53.192
He was able to I don't say to woo me, but he was able to be that person that shot that shoulder, to lean on that shoulder, to cry on.
00:13:53.192 --> 00:13:58.113
He was able to be that person and you know, for me that's what I needed at that time.
00:13:58.113 --> 00:14:13.296
So I feel like now, you know, looking back on those years, you know, and what I felt even then was that he was the first person, even though I leaned on him, and not only being in his home state, that was also the first time I felt unsafe.
00:14:13.296 --> 00:14:17.245
He was the first person I felt where, you know, we got into an argument.
00:14:17.245 --> 00:14:24.660
I didn't, I didn't have a way to get home, I didn't have a way to who's going to help me, and that was a feeling I could not shake.
00:14:24.660 --> 00:14:36.394
Being in his home state, like I felt safer in my area than where I was, compared to where he was living, where or not living, but where he would visit, because it was just a lot of things that was taken, that was that was happening.
00:14:36.504 --> 00:14:40.296
I'm being very vague because I just some of this is a little traumatic.
00:14:40.296 --> 00:14:40.886
I'm to be honest.
00:14:40.886 --> 00:14:44.416
In some of it I, you know it's reliving it to tell the story.
00:14:44.416 --> 00:14:45.791
So, you know, bear with me.
00:14:45.791 --> 00:14:49.455
But the hardest thing for this was then not knowing how to get out of this.
00:14:49.455 --> 00:14:54.797
Even in the relationships I was not strong enough to have to get out of this type of relationship.
00:14:54.797 --> 00:15:03.033
I was not strong enough to really to really get out of this, because I felt like before my mother passed, I was a completely different person.
00:15:03.033 --> 00:15:24.296
I was very independent, I was ready to take on the world, and then, after her passing, it was like my whole life is gone, because my mother was part of my life, a big chunk of my life so, and everything that I was was her, and so it's just that for me that still takes its toll and for them to have this situation now and becoming a whole, another identity.
00:15:24.296 --> 00:15:26.357
Who is this person with this man?
00:15:26.357 --> 00:15:29.720
And he's not very nice as I thought he was.
00:15:29.720 --> 00:15:34.698
He's not this person that I thought he was and that also forwards to later on.
00:15:34.971 --> 00:15:43.216
We ended up getting pregnant with my oldest son and he ended up having his own mental breakdowns, his own issues and whatnot.
00:15:43.216 --> 00:15:55.436
And from that moment I will say and this was 2009, I ended up having to be in this situation where, okay, I had to figure out how to get a job, get it, how to get my car, how to get my apartment, how to get everything all the square way.
00:15:55.436 --> 00:15:59.615
And I was able to manage that by myself within the seven months and I had everything ready.
00:15:59.615 --> 00:16:03.975
And the thing was that I there was an apartment who was I was rented to.
00:16:03.975 --> 00:16:17.316
Well, it was rented to me through, I'll say, consider a family friend or like a close person of our family who was a pastor in this community and we pretty much knew her.
00:16:17.316 --> 00:16:28.797
We knew her for a long time, we share mutual relatives, so this woman is a big part of my life as well, because she also eulogized my grandparents, my great aunt and my mother's funeral.
00:16:28.950 --> 00:16:58.038
So it was, this was someone I thought I could go to, and the thing is is that with this situation, you know, he was dealing with his own situation, he was doing his own things, and then he ended up coming to live with me and my oldest, our oldest son, cause at that time I was pregnant, so we had our son, and then I'll say that, you know, when we got together and he moved back, he moved into the apartment with me.
00:16:58.038 --> 00:17:00.375
I had my child.
00:17:00.375 --> 00:17:10.315
A few moments later, we did talk about getting married, cause that was also one of the things that, when we first started dating, he was saying, in a few first weeks, yeah, you're going to be my wife.
00:17:10.315 --> 00:17:18.317
And at 22, this was all I'm in my early twenties I'm like, oh, wow, did you know he's, we're going to get married, I'm going to get married, you know that kind of thing.
00:17:18.317 --> 00:17:19.976
So it was just excited.
00:17:19.976 --> 00:17:37.493
So now, here we are, I'm, I think I'm 23 at this point and within a few months after having my child, the pastor calls to hey, look, you know, we waited until you had your child to you know and give you some time to you know, recuperate, but you guys have to either get married or he can't stay there.
00:17:37.493 --> 00:17:41.173
And so at this point I'm like okay, you know, this is my family.
00:17:41.173 --> 00:17:42.438
Now I got to figure this out.
00:17:42.438 --> 00:17:46.809
So we did end up getting married, got married in November, but of 2010.
00:17:46.970 --> 00:17:50.440
And the one thing I will say is that I didn't.
00:17:50.440 --> 00:17:54.980
I experienced emotional and verbal abuse.
00:17:54.980 --> 00:18:06.214
It wasn't until the night before when I started dealing with physical and the first thing he had because it was an argument that night before and he pinned me down and he said I could do whatever I want to you because you'll be my wife now.
00:18:06.214 --> 00:18:09.336
I didn't know how to get out of that situation.
00:18:09.336 --> 00:18:17.414
I didn't know how I was going to make it to the next day and the thing was was like okay, I'm going to have to go through it.
00:18:17.414 --> 00:18:18.432
I didn't have any.
00:18:18.994 --> 00:18:21.277
At this point, I was definitely estranged from my family.
00:18:21.277 --> 00:18:25.556
I was not in touch with hardly not hardly anybody really.
00:18:25.556 --> 00:18:31.253
And so now here's this coming, this situation, and he's turning into a whole, completely different person.
00:18:31.253 --> 00:18:49.978
Not to mention and I have to go backwards not to mention, he had asked my family, prior to us getting married, for the blessing, and this was a year before this happened, he asked for their blessing and one of my relatives said to them well, you can't have my blessing because she has to handle business.
00:18:49.978 --> 00:18:52.939
And what she meant by that was paying money.
00:18:52.939 --> 00:18:54.876
That's what this was.
00:18:55.796 --> 00:19:00.909
And so when it happened, he was like she kept dogging my character, just destroying my character.
00:19:00.909 --> 00:19:10.358
Oh, she's a mature, she's this type of person and this and this and that and I heard half of it and I was so angry with her because it was like you're going to bash your sister's daughter.
00:19:10.358 --> 00:19:16.714
You know that to me I felt to someone you don't really know.
00:19:16.714 --> 00:19:25.614
And the thing is, looking also at that situation, is that you let this man know in so many ways that we don't protect her.
00:19:25.614 --> 00:19:39.039
And that's the thing that to this day, looking back on that, you're letting them know that we don't support, we're not helping, we're not involved in this, even though they did help later on in the years.
00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:47.569
But even still, you had literally gave this person the go ahead to hey, we don't protect her because anybody can tell you.
00:19:47.569 --> 00:19:56.454
If you have family members out there that you're in a situation like that, you never let them know that you don't support that because he ran with it.
00:19:56.454 --> 00:20:02.199
My ex-husband ran with that and then it also became more of an issue later on.
00:20:03.130 --> 00:20:04.557
So I did go through the wedding.
00:20:04.557 --> 00:20:17.041
Going back, I did go through the wedding, I did get married, and trying to put on a brave face after a night like that, it was just, it was startling, it was just like trying to suppress everything and trying to put on this happy face.
00:20:17.041 --> 00:20:17.788
And I was not happy.
00:20:17.788 --> 00:20:19.049
I did not like my wedding.
00:20:19.049 --> 00:20:23.477
I was, you know, to me, I felt it was a mediocre wedding and I felt that the wedding was not.
00:20:23.477 --> 00:20:26.450
You know, it was not something that a little girl that dreams of, that.
00:20:26.450 --> 00:20:28.510
This is what I wanted, you know.
00:20:28.510 --> 00:20:32.279
Not to mention, my mother was passed on and she was the one that wanted to walk me down the aisle.
00:20:32.279 --> 00:20:32.590
So it was.
00:20:32.590 --> 00:20:38.596
So here I am in this emotional state and trying to smile and trying not to cry and trying to have all of these things, you know, together.
00:20:38.596 --> 00:20:50.750
And you know, for me, over the time, you know, it was just going through the motions, not only going through with my ex-husband but also still grieving my mother's passing.
00:20:53.089 --> 00:21:36.028
And I'll say that after the marriage, the first incident was three weeks after we got married and that was when I don't even remember the argument, but we got into it and I remember walking out the room to go into the kitchen and he runs out of there and he pushes against me against the wall and he rips my left shirt and that shirt was my mother's shirt and it was just constant argument after argument after argument after argument and I remember the first time, like then, in the midst of that, he was also getting acquainted with this pastor and he was getting acquainted with different members of that community, of that organization, and some of those people kind of had a little bad blood with my family because it wasn't always the greatest situation.
00:21:36.028 --> 00:21:46.790
However, that's when, when he would vent to them, that was another moment where they would say oh well, you know, danielle and her family, that's crazy, you know they're crazy and that kind of thing.
00:21:46.790 --> 00:21:50.307
So it was just like they gave him more ammunition to work with.
00:21:50.307 --> 00:21:59.691
And that's when I'd say, in my opinion, that's when, down the line, he was the first one to file the restraining order against me.
00:21:59.691 --> 00:22:11.115
He took my son for four days and had the restraining order, because they were also the ones that influenced him to do that and coming to find out I had to go through this court as a victim.
00:22:11.115 --> 00:22:17.290
I had no understanding what is going on Because, in my opinion, I'm feeling like I'm being the one that's abused.
00:22:17.290 --> 00:22:18.127
I've had in my head.
00:22:18.127 --> 00:22:22.289
He's headbutting me while I'm having a big old night and I'm embarrassed to go outside.
00:22:22.289 --> 00:22:24.734
The arguments are constant.
00:22:24.805 --> 00:22:36.173
It was just constant chaos for me, and this was in the beginning of the marriage, and for me, I felt that, you know, I'd be going through the court, going through the judge.
00:22:36.173 --> 00:22:38.730
I'm in this whirlwind, I don't know what's going on.
00:22:38.730 --> 00:22:52.131
I couldn't eat, couldn't really deal with anything, and one of my aunts, who I ended up eventually getting in touch with, was there and she's like you know, daniel, while I was going through this court, she's like you didn't stand up for yourself when I went into the courtroom.
00:22:52.131 --> 00:23:01.471
Basically, I ended up being in this courtroom and this judge was like, well, you need to do visitation, you can do this and this and that, and now I'm just like what's going on?
00:23:01.471 --> 00:23:12.267
And that is why mine said that, hey, you didn't say anything, you didn't stick up for yourself, because I didn't know what I was expecting, I didn't know what to do, and this woman who, I think, after that court hearing I went to.
00:23:12.267 --> 00:23:16.108
I want to see a judge, I want to see this person right now, I want to have an urgent hearing.
00:23:16.986 --> 00:23:40.732
And there was a domestic violence division in one of the courts and this woman and to this day and I've seen her recently and to this day I said you are my hero, name is Sue, and she was over the domestic violence division and she said you know, to even to basically put everything on an equal footing, you have to file a restraining order Because you're a domestic violence victim.
00:23:40.732 --> 00:23:46.954
And she explained to me pretty much what was going on and one of the things I said I'm my son's main caregiver.
00:23:46.954 --> 00:23:53.835
I don't know why he took my son for four days To this day I still don't know and she ended up calling his mother and she said you know what?
00:23:53.835 --> 00:24:01.592
She said you have until 7.30 to bring that child back home, or you're going to be in contempt of court and you're going to be arrested.
00:24:01.592 --> 00:24:03.449
And she brought.
00:24:03.449 --> 00:24:12.550
She came back with my son and it was just like wow, and even then with the case and still we still had this restraining order thing going on.
00:24:12.730 --> 00:24:19.449
Both of us and the judge found him more reliable than me Because at the time I wasn't available, get up in the same field.
00:24:19.449 --> 00:24:25.651
I wasn't as a good storyteller the way he was, I wasn't as good as a speaker.
00:24:25.651 --> 00:24:31.066
As he was Very charismatic, knew what he was talking about, knew how he'd say it For me.
00:24:31.066 --> 00:24:33.855
I'm just like I don't know what's going on.
00:24:33.855 --> 00:24:34.989
I'm trying to figure this out.
00:24:34.989 --> 00:24:35.731
This is what's happening.
00:24:35.731 --> 00:24:39.412
This is how he's acting, but I'm flustered and I'm upset.
00:24:39.412 --> 00:24:49.608
So it's not taking into consideration either, because then, looking at him as OK, well, he's well put together and he knows what he's talking about, so he must be the victim that was not true.
00:24:49.608 --> 00:24:53.051
So even then, we still got back together.
00:24:53.153 --> 00:25:04.571
Throughout that time and this was over a period of years it was like almost every other year we were filing restraining orders there was some sort of chaotic situation, some sort of abusive situation.
00:25:04.571 --> 00:25:23.451
One of the two ones I will talk about that I feel are very important for people to understand is the 2016 incident, and that was when my ex-husband had begun to some argument that earlier that day it was just him just trying to destroy my character and just talking about me.
00:25:23.451 --> 00:25:26.653
I mean the way that he talked.
00:25:26.653 --> 00:25:29.788
It was degrading, it was disgusting.
00:25:29.788 --> 00:25:46.972
You're talking to someone like your trash type of way, and that evening I didn't want to talk to him anymore, just like I'm sick of this, because over the years of going back and forth, I would go back and forth between him and my family and that was hard, having to deal with that as well.
00:25:46.972 --> 00:26:02.775
Going back to which is the lesser of two evils, which is the easier of the two situations at that point, because I couldn't deal with him or having the restraining orders or dealing with all of these other things, whether I would file or he would file, or I'm calling CPS or he's calling CPS.
00:26:02.775 --> 00:26:07.332
So it was always a tip for tax type of situation, because I literally just wanted him to get some help.
00:26:07.332 --> 00:26:17.192
I wanted my family, I wanted this family to work, I wanted my children to work with two children, but it was more of a for him.
00:26:17.192 --> 00:26:23.616
I feel like it was more retaliatory and that's where I had the constant back and forth.
00:26:23.616 --> 00:26:26.433
So it was for me having to have evidence and whatnot.
00:26:26.765 --> 00:26:36.869
But anyway, in 2016, so that particular evening, I think I was watching what I get married or trying to watch that or something, and trying to talk to me, and it's just, I'm not trying to have.
00:26:36.869 --> 00:26:39.104
I'm not trying to hear it, I don't want to be bothered.
00:26:39.104 --> 00:26:48.605
And we get into this argument and I end up grabbing the bottle and I tried to hit the wall with it and it didn't break Because it was just like get away from me, get away from me.
00:26:48.605 --> 00:26:54.172
And the thing is is that I say that because this is a situation where people don't understand.
00:26:54.172 --> 00:27:02.848
Yet you have laws, you have all these things, but here's the thing about it you don't know what you're going to be up against in that situation.
00:27:02.848 --> 00:27:07.651
We all wear the mask and we all side, we all polite, but when it comes to your life, what do you want to do?
00:27:07.651 --> 00:27:09.276
That's the thing.
00:27:09.276 --> 00:27:11.691
What are you going to do in that scenario?
00:27:11.691 --> 00:27:17.768
If someone is abusive and is keen to put their hands on you, what do you want to do?
00:27:17.768 --> 00:27:18.330
To fight back?
00:27:18.330 --> 00:27:20.211
And in that moment, that's what I did.
00:27:20.211 --> 00:27:24.115
So it's not the fact that it is what, it is bottom line.
00:27:24.525 --> 00:27:32.753
So at that moment he's fighting back and forth and he ends up going to the kitchen to get a knife, a butcher knife, and he gets this knife.
00:27:32.753 --> 00:27:46.548
I'm trying to get out it because, I see it, he yanks me back from the back of my collar yanks me back and I fell and he locks the door and he has the knife to my neck and I remember scratching me, wear it on my chest.
00:27:46.548 --> 00:27:50.643
It looks like Wolverine scratch and I'm seeing his blood and whatnot.
00:27:50.643 --> 00:27:56.994
And I remember at one point he had it to my, to my neck, and then he got me up and then he has a knife to my, my face.
00:27:56.994 --> 00:27:58.417
He's like do you want to divorce?
00:27:58.417 --> 00:28:02.488
And there was a third person and you know said you know, put the knife down, put the knife down.
00:28:02.488 --> 00:28:04.838
He puts the, he puts the knife.
00:28:04.838 --> 00:28:09.107
Now push them off as far as I could, because I want him off me fighting again.
00:28:09.107 --> 00:28:15.357
He gets the night, not nothing, if he gets the, the iron, the iron that you used to iron the clothes At that point.
00:28:15.377 --> 00:28:25.307
This was, this was January of 2016 and if anybody knows how, that time, it was very cold, it was, you know, it was freezing outside.
00:28:25.307 --> 00:28:28.657
So I didn't have my coat, I didn't have my, you know, I didn't have my boots.
00:28:28.657 --> 00:28:30.040
On those socks.
00:28:30.040 --> 00:28:33.916
I ran out there with a shirt, pants and that was it.
00:28:33.916 --> 00:28:35.141
Hairs all over the place.
00:00:24.503 --> 00:00:27.271
00:00:28.402 --> 00:00:29.903
00:00:29.903 --> 00:00:31.146
00:00:31.146 --> 00:00:33.932
00:00:33.932 --> 00:00:34.974
00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:37.061
00:00:37.061 --> 00:00:39.204
00:00:39.204 --> 00:00:43.188
00:00:43.188 --> 00:00:50.456
00:00:50.456 --> 00:00:58.093
00:00:58.840 --> 00:00:59.341
00:00:59.341 --> 00:01:11.500
00:01:11.500 --> 00:01:42.500
00:01:42.500 --> 00:01:47.870
00:01:47.870 --> 00:01:52.500
00:01:53.621 --> 00:01:58.173
00:01:58.173 --> 00:02:01.459
00:02:02.903 --> 00:02:11.459
00:02:11.459 --> 00:02:25.500
00:02:25.500 --> 00:02:31.500
00:02:31.500 --> 00:02:45.500
00:02:46.544 --> 00:02:50.479
00:02:50.479 --> 00:03:01.473
00:03:01.473 --> 00:03:24.500
00:03:24.500 --> 00:03:29.104
00:03:29.104 --> 00:03:36.419
00:03:37.461 --> 00:03:54.500
00:03:54.500 --> 00:04:06.477
00:04:07.118 --> 00:04:21.014
00:04:21.500 --> 00:04:24.399
00:04:25.361 --> 00:04:50.459
00:04:50.459 --> 00:05:10.197
00:05:10.197 --> 00:05:22.333
00:05:22.333 --> 00:05:23.654
00:05:23.654 --> 00:05:30.141
00:05:30.922 --> 00:05:42.274
00:05:42.394 --> 00:06:30.384
00:06:30.384 --> 00:06:40.500
00:06:41.540 --> 00:06:42.161
00:06:42.161 --> 00:06:46.846
00:06:46.846 --> 00:07:15.423
00:07:15.423 --> 00:07:20.790
00:07:20.790 --> 00:07:25.055
00:07:25.779 --> 00:07:38.500
00:07:38.500 --> 00:07:41.803
00:07:41.803 --> 00:07:44.708
00:07:44.708 --> 00:07:49.834
00:07:49.834 --> 00:08:00.095
00:08:00.095 --> 00:08:04.096
00:08:04.096 --> 00:08:05.511
00:08:05.511 --> 00:08:09.235
00:08:09.235 --> 00:08:22.649
00:08:22.649 --> 00:08:41.915
00:08:42.807 --> 00:08:55.132
00:08:55.132 --> 00:09:05.110
00:09:05.110 --> 00:09:08.030
00:09:08.030 --> 00:09:09.794
00:09:09.794 --> 00:09:19.611
00:09:19.611 --> 00:09:30.485
00:09:30.605 --> 00:09:45.971
00:09:45.971 --> 00:09:53.038
00:09:53.038 --> 00:09:54.308
00:09:54.308 --> 00:09:58.653
00:09:58.653 --> 00:09:59.928
00:09:59.928 --> 00:10:06.613
00:10:06.613 --> 00:10:13.388
00:10:14.446 --> 00:10:20.193
00:10:20.193 --> 00:10:23.047
00:10:23.047 --> 00:10:24.131
00:10:24.131 --> 00:10:25.519
00:10:25.519 --> 00:10:33.115
00:10:33.115 --> 00:10:36.413
00:10:36.413 --> 00:10:40.311
00:10:40.311 --> 00:10:43.374
00:10:43.374 --> 00:10:46.787
00:10:46.947 --> 00:10:49.649
00:10:49.649 --> 00:10:54.304
00:10:54.304 --> 00:10:57.134
00:10:57.134 --> 00:11:06.634
00:11:06.634 --> 00:11:14.995
00:11:14.995 --> 00:11:22.890
00:11:22.890 --> 00:11:25.572
00:11:25.572 --> 00:11:40.568
00:11:40.568 --> 00:11:47.269
00:11:47.269 --> 00:11:49.755
00:11:49.755 --> 00:11:51.028
00:11:51.028 --> 00:11:52.724
00:11:52.724 --> 00:11:58.972
00:11:59.365 --> 00:12:06.176
00:12:06.176 --> 00:12:07.691
00:12:07.691 --> 00:12:10.514
00:12:10.514 --> 00:12:14.166
00:12:14.166 --> 00:12:18.856
00:12:19.346 --> 00:12:30.528
00:12:30.528 --> 00:12:36.174
00:12:36.174 --> 00:12:37.365
00:12:37.365 --> 00:12:38.591
00:12:38.591 --> 00:12:39.889
00:12:39.889 --> 00:12:40.826
00:12:40.826 --> 00:12:43.514
00:12:43.514 --> 00:12:44.590
00:12:44.590 --> 00:12:47.245
00:12:47.384 --> 00:12:55.113
00:12:55.113 --> 00:12:57.673
00:12:57.673 --> 00:12:59.190
00:12:59.190 --> 00:13:05.429
00:13:05.429 --> 00:13:23.433
00:13:24.445 --> 00:13:36.154
00:13:36.154 --> 00:13:46.053
00:13:46.053 --> 00:13:53.192
00:13:53.192 --> 00:13:58.113
00:13:58.113 --> 00:14:13.296
00:14:13.296 --> 00:14:17.245
00:14:17.245 --> 00:14:24.660
00:14:24.660 --> 00:14:36.394
00:14:36.504 --> 00:14:40.296
00:14:40.296 --> 00:14:40.886
00:14:40.886 --> 00:14:44.416
00:14:44.416 --> 00:14:45.791
00:14:45.791 --> 00:14:49.455
00:14:49.455 --> 00:14:54.797
00:14:54.797 --> 00:15:03.033
00:15:03.033 --> 00:15:24.296
00:15:24.296 --> 00:15:26.357
00:15:26.357 --> 00:15:29.720
00:15:29.720 --> 00:15:34.698
00:15:34.971 --> 00:15:43.216
00:15:43.216 --> 00:15:55.436
00:15:55.436 --> 00:15:59.615
00:15:59.615 --> 00:16:03.975
00:16:03.975 --> 00:16:17.316
00:16:17.316 --> 00:16:28.797
00:16:28.950 --> 00:16:58.038
00:16:58.038 --> 00:17:00.375
00:17:00.375 --> 00:17:10.315
00:17:10.315 --> 00:17:18.317
00:17:18.317 --> 00:17:19.976
00:17:19.976 --> 00:17:37.493
00:17:37.493 --> 00:17:41.173
00:17:41.173 --> 00:17:42.438
00:17:42.438 --> 00:17:46.809
00:17:46.970 --> 00:17:50.440
00:17:50.440 --> 00:17:54.980
00:17:54.980 --> 00:18:06.214
00:18:06.214 --> 00:18:09.336
00:18:09.336 --> 00:18:17.414
00:18:17.414 --> 00:18:18.432
00:18:18.994 --> 00:18:21.277
00:18:21.277 --> 00:18:25.556
00:18:25.556 --> 00:18:31.253
00:18:31.253 --> 00:18:49.978
00:18:49.978 --> 00:18:52.939
00:18:52.939 --> 00:18:54.876
00:18:55.796 --> 00:19:00.909
00:19:00.909 --> 00:19:10.358
00:19:10.358 --> 00:19:16.714
00:19:16.714 --> 00:19:25.614
00:19:25.614 --> 00:19:39.039
00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:47.569
00:19:47.569 --> 00:19:56.454
00:19:56.454 --> 00:20:02.199
00:20:03.130 --> 00:20:04.557
00:20:04.557 --> 00:20:17.041
00:20:17.041 --> 00:20:17.788
00:20:17.788 --> 00:20:19.049
00:20:19.049 --> 00:20:23.477
00:20:23.477 --> 00:20:26.450
00:20:26.450 --> 00:20:28.510
00:20:28.510 --> 00:20:32.279
00:20:32.279 --> 00:20:32.590
00:20:32.590 --> 00:20:38.596
00:20:38.596 --> 00:20:50.750
00:20:53.089 --> 00:21:36.028
00:21:36.028 --> 00:21:46.790
00:21:46.790 --> 00:21:50.307
00:21:50.307 --> 00:21:59.691
00:21:59.691 --> 00:22:11.115
00:22:11.115 --> 00:22:17.290
00:22:17.290 --> 00:22:18.127
00:22:18.127 --> 00:22:22.289
00:22:22.289 --> 00:22:24.734
00:22:24.805 --> 00:22:36.173
00:22:36.173 --> 00:22:38.730
00:22:38.730 --> 00:22:52.131
00:22:52.131 --> 00:23:01.471
00:23:01.471 --> 00:23:12.267
00:23:12.267 --> 00:23:16.108
00:23:16.986 --> 00:23:40.732
00:23:40.732 --> 00:23:46.954
00:23:46.954 --> 00:23:53.835
00:23:53.835 --> 00:24:01.592
00:24:01.592 --> 00:24:03.449
00:24:03.449 --> 00:24:12.550
00:24:12.730 --> 00:24:19.449
00:24:19.449 --> 00:24:25.651
00:24:25.651 --> 00:24:31.066
00:24:31.066 --> 00:24:33.855
00:24:33.855 --> 00:24:34.989
00:24:34.989 --> 00:24:35.731
00:24:35.731 --> 00:24:39.412
00:24:39.412 --> 00:24:49.608
00:24:49.608 --> 00:24:53.051
00:24:53.153 --> 00:25:04.571
00:25:04.571 --> 00:25:23.451
00:25:23.451 --> 00:25:26.653
00:25:26.653 --> 00:25:29.788
00:25:29.788 --> 00:25:46.972
00:25:46.972 --> 00:26:02.775
00:26:02.775 --> 00:26:07.332
00:26:07.332 --> 00:26:17.192
00:26:17.192 --> 00:26:23.616
00:26:23.616 --> 00:26:26.433
00:26:26.765 --> 00:26:36.869
00:26:36.869 --> 00:26:39.104
00:26:39.104 --> 00:26:48.605
00:26:48.605 --> 00:26:54.172
00:26:54.172 --> 00:27:02.848
00:27:02.848 --> 00:27:07.651
00:27:07.651 --> 00:27:09.276
00:27:09.276 --> 00:27:11.691
00:27:11.691 --> 00:27:17.768
00:27:17.768 --> 00:27:18.330
00:27:18.330 --> 00:27:20.211
00:27:20.211 --> 00:27:24.115
00:27:24.525 --> 00:27:32.753
00:27:32.753 --> 00:27:46.548
00:27:46.548 --> 00:27:50.643
00:27:50.643 --> 00:27:56.994
00:27:56.994 --> 00:27:58.417
00:27:58.417 --> 00:28:02.488
00:28:02.488 --> 00:28:04.838
00:28:04.838 --> 00:28:09.107
00:28:09.107 --> 00:28:15.357
00:28:15.377 --> 00:28:25.307
00:28:25.307 --> 00:28:28.657
00:28:28.657 --> 00:28:30.040
00:28:30.040 --> 00:28:33.916
00:28:33.916 --> 00:28:35.141