33-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Sally McNeil

Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3. I'm your host, ingrid. In my last episode I described how society finds it difficult to view men as victims in domestic violence relationships. Today I'm going to discuss how that misconception may cross over to women if they are perceived as too physically strong. This is Sally Story. Sally McNeil was born in 1960 in Allentown, pennsylvania. As a child, she suffered physical abuse from her stepfather. She kept most of the details to herself, only confiding some to one close friend. Later, sally was able to find stability in athletics. She was on her school's swim and diving teams, as well as track. Once she graduated high school, she attended college with a plan of becoming a gym teacher. Unfortunately, she ran out of funds with less than a year left and had to drop out. Then Sally fell back on the military. Like her brother, she served in the United States Marine Corps. Her determination and athleticism were a perfect fit and she rose ranks to sergeant. While serving, sally met and married Anthony Loden. The two remained married for four years and had a daughter and son together. According to Sally, anthony became abusive and she filed for divorce when she received orders to transfer. She was awarded custody of both of the children While stationed at Camp Pendleton, sally focused on her physique. She began bodybuilding and ended up winning the United States Armed Services Physique Championship twice in the 1980s. Having the Marine Corps and bodybuilding in common, a friend introduced Sally to Ray McNeil in 1987. She admitted it was lust at first sight. The two immediately hit it off. Not only did they both enjoy working out, but they also liked the same movies. Sally described Ray as charismatic and stated the two had a lot of good times. Calling their romance a whirlwind is an understatement. The couple married just two months after dating. They appeared to be a perfect match, even winning the Men's and Women's Bodybuilding Contest in 1990. Ray took his work seriously. He left the Marine Corps in 1991 to pursue professional bodybuilding. The new family of four struggled financially. They lived in a small two-bedroom apartment, also discharged from the Marine Corps. Sally felt the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. She found unconventional ways to help support the family. She was paid $50 an hour to record videos of her wrestling, earning her the name Killer Sally. Ray was okay with this, as it brought steady income into the household and allowed him to continue focusing on bodybuilding. His new profession added unforeseen costs as Ray soon turned to using steroids. Sally's video gig evolved into muscle worship. This is apparently a term to describe men who have a fascination in wrestling with women who dominate them physically. For this, sally was paid $300 an hour and developed quite the following. The income earned from her new fans would be spent on continuing bodybuilding training and steroids for both Ray and Sally. In 1993, they spent $24,000 on just Ray. That year he was invited to Mount Olympia. If he placed first he would win $150,000. But he placed 15th. Now let me tell you a little bit about Ray. He was born in North Carolina. He was given to his aunt by his mother when he was only two weeks old. They lived in massive poverty with bare floors, newspaper covering the walls and roaches found everywhere. The worst part of the living situation, however, was the fact that his aunt sexually abused him. As I already mentioned, ray met Sally in the Marine Corps Just three days after their wedding. Ray punched her in the face. He immediately apologized and said it would never happen again. That was the same promise he made nearly every time he would physically abuse Sally over the next few years. Sometimes she even received flowers, but it did happen again, and often he also strangled and sexually abused her. In a twisted explanation, ray would interpret Ray being Sally as her forgiving him and according to Ray, each of Sally's orifices belonged to him. Sally wasn't the only person to witness his aggression. Ray worked as a bouncer at a bar. Naturally he would encounter rowdy individuals. On one night he had a dispute with one of the bar patrons. As the two struggled, ray placed his thumbs in the man's eyes and dug in. As a man was taken to the hospital with bleeding eyes, witnesses believed he was blinded. Ray apparently was not arrested that night as he was friends with the responding police officers. Ray also abused his stepchildren. When his stepson was just in kindergarten he came home from school with a notification that he had been talking too much in class. His response was to beat him with a belt. Another form of discipline was to have one child watch as he beat their sibling. They cried for each other and for the anticipation of the beating to come. It eventually got to the point where the children would ask Sally why she wasn't leaving. They felt she chose Ray over them, but Sally had tried to get help before Once, when they were still in the Marine Corps. The family was watching television together. Ray broke Sally's nose. She reported it to the first sergeant. Sally was sent to medical and Ray was sent to the brig. He was released shortly after and returned home to beat Sally until she dropped the charges. Eventually, sally realized things were not going to get better as she had hoped for the last eight years of marriage. Sally heard the story of the death of a woman she had previously competed in bodybuilding against. The woman was strangled and killed by her boyfriend. Learning of this, sally realized she could face the same ending. Before I go on, I want to bring some statistics back I shared on a previous episode. According to the Stringulation Training Institute, near-fatal strangulation occurs in up to 68% of women who report intimate partner violence. 97% of those were strangled by hands, 38% lost consciousness, 9% were pregnant, 70% believed they were going to die. Gail Starr, a clinical coordinator for sexual assault nurse examiners, states that a person who has been strangled during a domestic violence attack is 750% more likely to be killed by their offender in the next year. Also mentioned was 82% of law enforcement. Homicides are committed by someone with a strangulation history. Transition can kill someone within minutes. Even in cases where the victim does not lose consciousness, lasting effects may be present. I'm going to come back to this information in just a little bit, but right now I'm going to go back to Sally. She made plans to move to her childhood home in Pennsylvania. While she was in the process of saving money to make the move, she told her children to have bags packed and be ready to go. She purchased a sawed-off shotgun for extra protection. On Valentine's Day 1995, ray was nowhere to be found. Sally was getting the kids ready for bed after their fun-filled day. Wanting to spend some of the holiday with her husband, sally arranged for a neighbor to watch the kids. She then began to get ready to go out and hopefully find Ray at one of the local bars as she was applying her makeup. Ray came home. He beat her and choked her. As he was choking Sally, she thought he's going to kill me. I'm not going to make it. Through the night she managed to break free and grab the shotgun. According to Sally, she told Ray to get out, to which he replied no and started moving toward her. She shot him. Then Sally shot him again, covered him with a blanket and called 911. Ray was still alive when first responders arrived. However, he succumbed to his wounds in the hospital. Sally was charged with murder. While awaiting her trial, her children were sent from California to Pennsylvania in order to live with Sally's parents. As we typically see in court cases, both the prosecuting and defense teams do their best to demonize the other, and the district attorney was flawless in his presentation. He was able to design a ruthless, jealous, abusive woman named Killer Sally. Now I'm not here to negate testimonies or documents describing Sally's personality or behavior. I am here to share a story of domestic violence, violence that Sally's 12-year-old daughter testified to during that trial. She tearfully described how Ray was choking her mom that fateful night. She knew he was choking her because she recognized the familiar sounds, but her testimony was one of the very few Sally had on her side. You see, sally, like many victims, kept her abuse a secret. For most, her previously broken arms, broken nose and bruises should have been enough to prove her abuse. It wasn't Remember. Ray was charismatic. He had an entourage of witnesses willing to testify to his good character and Sally's aggression. I don't want to dive too deep into the details of the trial, but there are a few comments I wanted to highlight. Between the media and the district attorney, sally was defined as a woman who didn't look like she could be battered. It was thought that, quote a violent person could not be a battered woman. The district attorney said to me I didn't see a great deal of remorse, nor do I see the fearful battered wife she claims to be. He then inferred she was using the abuse excuse. The comment that sticks out most to me, though, is also from the district attorney Quote there's the possibility that Sally was a battered woman and Ray was a batterer, but there was no imminent threat. End quote no imminent threat. That statistically and I told you I would come back to this Sally was 750% more likely to be dead within the year. Choking can kill an individual within just minutes. Sally was sentenced in 1996 to 19 years to life for second degree murder. Second degree murder is murder with malicious intent, but is not premeditated. Sally was released in 2020 after serving 25 years. I would love to say the legal system has improved in terms of understanding domestic violence since the 1990s, but if you have listened to previous episodes in this podcast, you realize that is not so true. There have been developments, such as the passing of the Domestic Violence Survivors Justice Act in some states, but there is still a lot of work to be done. I don't want the only takeaway from this episode to be the fact that the justice system needs to do better, though it is important to look at something else here. In many not all domestic violence cases there is a history of generational and repeated violence. We see this in Sally's family. She was abused as a child. Her first husband abused her, her second husband abused her. Her daughter found herself in an abuse of marriage, while her son didn't specify what was done. He mentioned he had a good wife and quote was very bad to her. He also admitted to requiring rehabilitation for drug and alcohol abuse. I'm mentioning this for a few reasons. One, as victims, we need to truly know ourselves. We need to learn what our boundaries are and develop the confidence within to set and stick to those boundaries. We need to heal and love ourselves to develop strong and healthy relationships going forward. Second, please be aware that your relationships, good or bad, influence your children. They are watching what is happening to you and how you are responding to it. And one more thing I have said this before the abuse always escalates. There is a fine line between an outcome of life-altering injuries, murder, homicide and self-defense, with resultant prison time, family annihilation or leaving. Leaving isn't easy and sometimes feels impossible. Find your resources. There are domestic violence hotlines in nearly every country, some of which I was able to list on the one and three website. Talk to your friends, family, colleagues, anyone who will listen. Do what you need to do to get and keep yourself safe because you matter in the world. Okay, I will hop off my soapbox now. If you want to make a difference and have your story told on this podcast, please reach out. If you are an advocate or professional with information that is beneficial to the listeners of one and three, please reach out. My contact information is found in the conclusion of every episode. Thank you for listening. Sources for today can be found in the show notes. I will be back next week with another episode for you. Until then, stay strong and, wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone. To learn more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website oneandthreepodcastcom. That's the number one. I-n the number three podcastcom. Follow one and three on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at oneandthreepodcast. To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe. One and three is a.5. Pinoy production News are written and performed by Tim Crow.