32-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Tami Weissenberg

Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3, I'm your host, Ingrid. Given the misconception that domestic violence victims are weak or frail makes it that much more difficult for society to understand. Men can be on the receiving end of abuse, especially if the offender is a woman. Another misconception Men are only victims of emotional or psychological abuse, not physical. A German man using the pseudonym Tammy Weissenberg bravely shared his story in his book titled Darjeeling Poor. Here is his story Tammy had recently gotten out of a long relationship and decided to take a break from serious dating. Over time, he eventually ended up creating a dating profile on a website. Still not wanting to jump into another commitment, he couldn't help that one woman caught his eye. She was someone he recognized as living locally. He reached out and offered up some information about himself, like his interests and hobbies. She, however, dove into telling him all about her current marriage. Her husband was controlling and abusive in the form of physical abuse and stalking. The conversations must have been interesting enough, though, because the two of them met for a date after two weeks of chatting. From here forward, I'll refer to the woman as Jane, as her true identity is not given, as in the online discussions. Jane immediately continued her rant about her awful husband. In fact, the only way she was able to escape and make the date was to use walking her dog as an excuse. Tammy really felt for her. She seemed like a nice, normal woman and appeared very emotional about her current situation. No one should be treated that way. The two continued to meet regularly. Jane would resume filling Tammy in on the drama at home. She was planning on divorcing and leaving her husband. She even secured an apartment to move into and it appeared it would be a smooth transition. Meanwhile, Tammy's instinct to help and protect Jane grew with each story she shared. Tammy helped Jane make the move and was surprised when her soon to be ex-husband showed up unexpectedly. He and Tammy engaged in a cordial conversation, leading Tammy to wonder where the monster Jane described was Watching from the window of her new apartment. Jane finally had enough. She ran out into the street and ordered Tammy to go inside. Despite being surprised at her abruptness, he complied. Then Tammy overheard Jane say to her husband you cowardly piece of shit, I hope you die a miserable death without me. When Jane rejoined Tammy inside, she apologized for her language and blamed her outburst on the stress of seeing her husband. The two continued to date, and about one year after meeting, Tammy and Jane moved in together. Since each of them had a home full of furnishings, they had to decide what to do with the excess. That was easy Tammy simply needed to sell or donate all of his belongings, only bringing clothing and a few essential items. Things went well initially. After the move the two even took a big step and consolidated bank accounts at Jane's suggestion, but she lorded control over the finances. At first she just questioned Tammy on all of his purchases, but that led to her strictly forbidding him to spend any money without her consent. And then things seemed to change Slowly and methodically. Tammy's friends and family were phased out of their lives. Jane was a jealous girlfriend and wanted all of Tammy's free time to be devoted to her. Of course, she was apologetic immediately following any poor behavior. You see, it was difficult for her as she was recovering from such an abusive past. Tammy was given a clear picture of what kind of person Jane was when they took a vacation together. Despite not really having the time to take off from work, Tammy booked a hotel anyway to keep Jane happy. Unfortunately, the lodgings did not meet Jane's standards. She was furious with what she called a dirty and inadequate place. She took her frustration out on the staff and refused to pay for their stay. She claimed the hotel was so subpar payment wasn't warranted. Tammy, not wanting any part of this, left and took a drive, allowing Jane to do what she felt necessary. When he returned to pick Jane up, she began screaming at him, calling him cowardly and weak for leaving her. Then she hit him for the first time in the head. Tammy's first response was that would be the last time that happened. She was not going to stick around for more. You can probably guess what happened next. Jane cried. She apologized. She confessed her childhood lacked love and support. That's what led her to an abusive marriage. Once again Tammy felt a pang of empathy for Jane. He could let this one slide, Remember. Now the couple lived together. Jane kept the door to her office locked, though. One day Tammy was curious enough to discover what was inside the room and he picked the lock. Inside he found documents detailing the amount of money Jane owed her ex-husband. There was also a ledger describing how Jane's ex had enough evidence collected to prove she was in fact the abuser in the marriage. Tammy chose to just hold on to that information. Unfortunately, shortly after, a car accident added to Tammy's predicament. He was severely injured and required hospitalization and surgery. Once the insurance company processed the claim, they awarded Tammy with 7,500 euros. He decided he would accept the payout and open a private secret savings account. Jane somehow was privy to this information and, after unleashing verbal insults and threats, she took one of Tammy's crutches and hit him on the leg. Then she hit him again, this time on his leg that had just been operated on. Now that Tammy was limited physically, Jane ramped up her control. She mandated Tammy only call or text her. She didn't allow him access to his laptop. He had to update her with his whereabouts any time he left for appointments. He was given a list of chores. When he was home, Tammy would be instructed to run a bath for Jane. While in the bath he would bring her fruit. It had to be the correct kind, peeled, the correct way. Jane's instructions were always specific and if he didn't match them exactly she would bring out the abuse, Verbal and now physical. Tammy found himself changing his own behavior and attempts to avoid any outbursts, but he discovered Jane's reactions had no predictability to them. One day Jane revealed to Tammy she was pregnant. The two had not been intimate in quite some time, so it was clear the baby was not his. Despite that, Tammy wanted the baby. Tammy believed the baby would bring a welcome change to their home. Jane had a few stipulations. First, the two would need to get married. Then Jane was very clear she would not breastfeed, nor would she wake for middle of the night. Needs for the baby, as you can imagine, birth of the baby did not bring the desired change Tammy had been looking for. The physical violence and psychological abuse continued and actually escalated. Tammy had to seek out medical treatment on at least two occasions. Before this next event, Tammy finally decided he had to talk to Jane about their finances. This gentle conversation evolved into another tirade. Jane threw a glass bullet at him. She grabbed his clothes and threw them into the basement. As Tammy went to collect his things, Jane came up behind him and kicked him down the stairs. His large frame came crashing down onto the leg he had previously injured in the car accident. Searing pain shot through his body. As Tammy looked at his obviously broken extremity, Throwing laundry down on top of his crumpled body, Jane demanded Tammy figure his way out of this situation himself. She turned and left him there Lying on the floor and feeling defeated and helpless. Tammy heard the ping of his phone. It was a text from Jane instructing him to have the house cleaned. When she returned in two hours With the realization that his phone was with him, Tammy made a few phone calls. One was to his parents to watch their son for a bit, who miraculously had slapped through everything. The next was to the paramedics. He was taken to the same hospital once again. Previously, less severe injuries granted Tammy the ability to lie about what happened to him. This time, however, he was only able to mutter, I can't say when the doctor asked what happened. The doctor then asked if it was domestic violence. Tammy's prolonged silence that followed answered everything. He didn't openly admit to what was happening at home out of fear. He was afraid of what Jane would do to him. Another occasion Tammy gaped as Jane stood in front of him and removed her bathrobe. Then she began hitting and scratching herself. With each insult she would scream ouch, stop it, you're hurting me. Tammy was frozen with confusion. When Jane finished, she put her bathrobe on and produced a recorder. She threatened Tammy with blackmail if he ever were to tell. During one of Jane's attacks. Tammy managed to escape to his car, Driving around aimlessly. He came upon a conclusion to his woes. He parked the car and climbed a tall tower. As he contemplated his next actions, a neighbor with Jane and Toe pulled up. The neighbor convinced Tammy to come down. Once home, Tammy reflected on his life and how close he had come to ending it. He decided from that moment he had no choice but to leave Jane. If he was willing to end his life, then he could endure whatever happened to him with his attempt to escape. I really hate to leave you hanging, but based on the translation done by the podcasters in the isolation podcast episodes, Tammy ends the story here. While most of the information based on his story is in German, I was able to find an article in English that mentioned Tammy has started a support group to assist men in similar situations. He also emphasized writing his book was not to get back at his former partner but to bring awareness to domestic violence, especially in men. Now, if you have been following this podcast, you are hopefully beginning to recognize that the physical violence inflicted is often following a systemic breakdown of the victim through psychological and emotional abuse. The perpetrator dismantles their victim until she or he no longer recognizes themselves. It's when that person has been manipulated enough to believe they are the cause of the abuse to them and is fearful of repercussions of either more abuse or even blackmail, that the abuser is able to unleash all their aggression. An important takeaway is the violence always escalates. The best way to stop domestic violence is avoiding it altogether. I want to point out a few things in this story. Looking from the outside and hearing the details of Tammy and Jane's relationship, it's quite easy to identify the red flags, but when one is in it and dealing with a master manipulator, those flags aren't so apparent. Let me share some of those red flags that stuck out to me. The first one Jane overshared about her abuse from her husband as soon as she and Tammy began connecting. This is called trauma dumping. It is a tactic abusers may use to gain empathy from their potential partner, as in Tammy's case. That empathy evolved into feeling a responsibility to help Jane. Just a quick side note trauma dumping isn't exclusive to abusers. It could be something an individual does due to nerves or even because they haven't adequately processed the trauma they truly did experience. In any case, it is a red flag that you should perhaps just pay attention to Number two Jealousy. Okay, so it is normal to have little pangs of jealousy in certain situations. The red flag is how that jealousy is portrayed. When an individual such as Jane uses it to demand all attention and free time be devoted to them, it is a problem. It can eventually be used to assert, control and isolate the victim, which brings me to the next red flag Isolating the victim. This one is huge. Using tactics of jealousy or even making their partner feel bad for making plans with others, the abuser controls who remains in their life. This eventually leaves the victim to realize they have no one left to turn to. In a healthy relationship, the couple, of course, spends adequate time together. However, it is definitely okay and even beneficial for each person to have time with others as well. And finally, controlling the finances. This is another big one. Joint accounts can be okay and may even be a better option, depending on each relationship and situation. However, when you have one person who dictates when and how the money is spent, it's a problem. The victim will become financially dependent, which, of course, limits their availability to leave the situation. That's all I have for today. Thank you for listening. Sources for this episode are in the show notes. I will be back next week with another story for you. Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1and3podcastcom. That's the number 1, I-N the number 3, podcastcom. Follow 1and3 on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at 1and3podcast To help me out. Please remember to rate, review and subscribe. 1and3 is a.5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.