28-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Hayley

Hi Warriors, welcome to 1-in-3,. I'm your host, ingrid. This episode is the official start to season 2 of 1-in-3. As always, I would love for you to provide any feedback you may have on episodes, request a specific story and or send in your own personal experience. And that's what I have for you today, admitted via email. This is Hailey's story, told from the first person point of view. I lived in a lovely little rented house in Levin, just me and my three children After a failed relationship with their dad, who was a drug addict and fought depression. After five years together, he just one day up and left. In my opinion, he wasn't ready to be a father. He wanted the party life, drugs raves. I was left completely on my own. I was only 22,. I had a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and had just found out I was pregnant. I was heartbroken, but after a few weeks I woke up one morning and said to myself I can do this on my own. And I did. I lived in Kerkaldi at that point and that was where we had been housed when I was pregnant with my first child. After I gave birth to my third child, I decided to move back to Levin to be beside my family for help and support. My mom was the only help I had, so it was much easier. When I lived just down the road from her, I was so happy just me and my three kids. I was confident, independent. I did everything myself and had no interest in being with a man. One day I was out and I bumped into an old friend that I went to school with. He had always been a nice friend, but we lost touch as we had been busy having babies and leading family lives. However, it was nice to see him again and catch up. One night I was at his house and his other friend popped in, James. He introduced us and seemed like a nice guy. We became friends too and added each other to social media. We spoke for a couple of weeks. Then my friend arranged a date for us. After that we started seeing each other. He seemed like a really nice guy. I didn't like his fashion sense and how he had long, greasy looking hair, but I ignored that as he was being really lovely to me, complimenting me all the time, holding doors open, pulling chairs out for me, always checking on me, always holding my hand In my eyes. At the time I thought it was like the movies, but now, looking back, I know why he was like this. He was grooming me. After about four months together, I found out I was pregnant. I could not believe this, as I was on the pill and, after what I went through before with my ex, I was making sure to take it every day. So I told James and he immediately wanted me to keep it. But I was unsure. I hadn't known him that long and was terrified he would take off and I'd be left with four children on my own. I told him I didn't want to keep the baby, but he reassured me over and over that he'd never leave me to raise the baby alone. I needed time to think. After a few weeks I still hadn't decided. We were up visiting his mom. I walked into the kitchen and the first thing she said to me was congratulations, I just went along with it. So I guess that was me keeping the baby. James, however, already had a son to a previous relationship, but he was not allowed to see his son and this was what the courts, lawyers etc. Had decided. I never understood it all and James never liked talking about it. The only information I ever got about it was that his ex was a liar and a horrible person. I asked to see the documents of all this, but he never showed me and I just trusted him Purely because he was being so nice to me and was good with my other kids, so I just believed him. One day after a midwife appointment, I met up with a friend for coffee. We spoke about loads of stuff, but we spoke about James too, and I asked for her opinion on the situation with his ex. She told me he had been sleeping with her when she was 15. He was 24 at the time. She also told me that she had said he had been abusive and even forced himself on her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was about to have a baby with this man. So when I saw him later that day, I asked him all about it. He freaked, told me it wasn't true, swore to me it was all lies. He even said he'd show me all the court documents. That was in his mom's attic. I took his word for it. I didn't know what was true and I just had to base everything on what I knew of him personally. I thought him freaking out was just a reaction to it being brought up again and I assumed it just brought back some horrible memory. I never, ever saw the court documents, though. A few months passed. He kept asking me to move into his house with him, but I didn't want to. Not only was it an absolute mess, it was two bedrooms and I was happy in my three bedroom rented house. I kept telling him that after the baby is here we can think about it then. After the baby was born, his mom and dad kept harassing me to have the baby over at theirs, but I wasn't ready. I was like that with all my children for the first couple of months, but they just didn't get that. They all took over. They even told me what to do. Bear in mind this was my fourth baby, not my first. My mom was pushed out. It was all about his family. One day my mom came down to the house as we were going out for his birthday. She sat at my house to babysit the four kids. I still wasn't ready for baby to stay away. The next weekend his mom asked to have her and I said no, I wasn't ready yet. And his parents were heavy smokers. Their house stunk of cigarettes constantly. James was not happy that I said no. So he kicked off, shouting at me, calling me a selfish bitch, etc. And saying if you'll let your mom watch her, then she's going to my mom too. He grabbed her and put her in her car seat. I was crying and pleading with him, telling him that of course his mom would get her, but just when I feel ready. But he just didn't understand that he wanted it his own way. The situation calmed down after I told him to get out or I'm phoning my dad he apologized and told me he was just so worried he'd get her taken away from him like his son did. He turned on the waterworks and I instantly felt sorry for him and told him he can take her to his mom's. So every weekend after that his mom had her. I didn't have a say in it at all. The controls started as I didn't want to be a nasty person and say no, and I certainly didn't want any more kickoffs, even though 90% of the time I just wanted to keep her home with me. She had been born in April and by August I moved into his house after he kept asking me to. All three of my children had to share a room, but I thought to myself as long as we're happy, who cares how small the house is? Once I'd moved in, things slowly changed. He was more controlling, less caring, complained about certain things the kids or I had done. I just thought to myself that's life. I had four kids to run around after, every day in a house to keep, and James worked. His work was just 10 minutes down the road, so every single day on his lunch break he'd come home. It was only for about 40 minutes, but I used to think to myself aw, he misses me. But now, looking back, I know he was just checking up on me. The days I happened to be out with my mom or a friend, I'd always get a message asking where I was and how long I'd be Soon. After time the messages would be him reminding me about stuff I hadn't done in the house. James was a complete control freak. Everything had to be done his way or he'd have a tantrum and start shouting at us all. I gave in to him every time for an easy life and just wanted my kids to be happy and not see him going off on one. But in doing that I just made it worse as time went on and worse when he'd been out drinking. The times we went out drinking together was always the worst, because I was drunk too and would chat back to him. He'd hate that, so I'd get called vile names and the house would end up smashed up. He cheated on me, and I then later learned he'd slept with his sister-in-law. I couldn't believe it, but despite that I stuck by him, thinking of the kids and just wanting the family life with no broken home. I don't know why, though, because it only got worse. I fell pregnant again, and I was happy, maybe subconsciously. It was a distraction from the negative things he'd done and kind of a fresh start for us, something positive to look forward to. Anyone who knows me knows I love being a mother. My kids are my whole life. I'd do anything for them, even if that meant staying with James for their sakes and to keep him happy too, even though now I know it was the wrong thing to do. During the pregnancy it was okay. James did still kick off about. Things shouted at me and the kids. I remember feeling really stressed throughout that pregnancy, but we just had to keep quiet and not say anything, and then he wouldn't kick off when I was heavily pregnant during an argument, I brought up the thing with his ex and said you still haven't shown me the court letters. I think it was always niggling in the back of my mind, even though I tried so hard to block it out and take his word for it. But something just didn't make sense, something didn't add up. So this time, when I brought it up and asked to see them, he went absolutely mental, smashing the bedroom up. He threw the bedside drawers across a room, calling me names like stupid bitch, retard, just fucking believe me. I was scared. I ran down the stairs and he followed me. I was in such a state, crying, shouting back at him, saying I'm leaving. I was in a state and then I noticed he was filming me. He all of a sudden was quiet, telling me to calm down, saying look at the state of you, sort yourself out what he was telling me to calm down. After what he just did, I broke down, telling him to stop. Why are you doing that? He kept saying, evidence that you're unstable. Well, I didn't see it then, but now I know exactly what he was up to. He was gaslighting me. He videoed me a couple of times when I was upset, in such a state and pleading with him to stop. He used it against me. Whenever I'd say I'd leave him, he'd say mind, I've got the videos, they'll see that you're unstable and I'll get the kids off you. I was so scared that he'd twist it and say I was crazy. But the only reason I'd be crying and breaking down was because of what he did to put me there. He always made out I was a bad mum, and him and his mum tried to control every situation. After any kickoff he told me he was sorry and that it wouldn't have happened if I didn't say anything or if I just did what he'd asked and I sat there thinking he's right, so if I don't do or say anything to upset him, it will all be fine. After that it was more frequent, the shouting got worse and the kids got it bad too. I started getting really bad anxiety. If they didn't eat every drop of their tea, he'd scream in their faces, call them names and send them to bed Because of this. I then always gave them their tea before he got home from work and the leftovers I would put in the neighbor's bin. Yes, he'd check the bins. If there were dishes left in the sink, he'd call me a fucking tink and tell me to get them done. I used to panic if it was hitting 5pm and I hadn't had time to tidy up. Even the kids knew what was coming. The kids were only allowed one pack of crisps a day. They mostly had to be in their room when he was there. They always had to be quiet. They weren't allowed to help themselves. If they didn't put their shoes away, they'd get it. If they accidentally spilled something, they'd get shouted at and told they were retards. If they didn't put things back in the correct place or in order, he'd shout at them and call them thick or stupid by 2020,. During the lockdown, it was the worst During the day was great for us, as he'd be working 12 hour shifts and the kids and I would all have a good time together, playing games, painting rocks, baking, going for woodland walks. But as soon as he came in, it all changed Screaming at us for the slightest thing, throwing things. For example, once we were unpacking shopping and, because I had done it wrong, he threw a hand soap at me. It smacked me in the back and burst open in front of the kids. If something went missing, he'd go mental at us. He'd shout at the kids if they got out of their beds at night, which led to one of my kids' bedwetting, which James would go mental about too, calling that child a retard and a spastic the most vile names you can think of into a poor, innocent child. My youngest child, who was only two at the time and getting potty trained, was no longer in nappies but occasionally she'd wet her bed as she was still learning. James would go through and check and if she'd wet he'd smack her and scream at her to go to the toilet, saying you're not fucking stupid. It brings tears to my eyes writing this and remembering what my poor babies had to go through and witness by this point in a relationship. I couldn't do anything right. I was accused of flirting with guys. If I just spoke to them kindly, I got yelled at. If I didn't clean up correctly. I wasn't allowed to get my hair or nails done, as it was a waste of money. If the kids were ill and I kept them off, he'd go mental at me and accuse the kids of lying about being ill. After that, the days they were ill, I'd have to hide them in a cupboard and tell them to be quiet. When he came home for lunch because I was so scared about what he'd do Shouting, screaming, name calling, throwing things at me. It went to grabbing and later pushing and sometimes hitting. If I didn't obey him, he'd throw me outside and lock me out of the house. He'd tell me that I'd get back in when I say sorry. I'd hear the kids screaming and crying for me in the house so I'd say sorry and plead with him to let me back in. Once, when he refused to let me back in, as he was on the phone to his mom, who was aware of this whole thing and what he'd done, I heard the kids screaming inside so I climbed through an open window in my bare feet. His mom knew, I know, she knows. She was there one time when he kicked off and threw me outside. She was there when he chased my oldest daughter upstairs, screaming at her, calling her a fucking ignorant bitch because she apparently deliberately ignored his mom. One day I didn't answer the phone as I was bathing my kids and he went absolutely ballistic, kicking over the kids toys and then throwing me outside. If I didn't do the dishes I'd get it Any little thing really. We lived in absolute fear by this point, and my anxiety was worse One day when James was going mental about something he'd accused me of doing, and because I was defending myself, he didn't like it and got so mad that he kicked over the washing basket and started smashing up the bedroom door. The kids were in the room with us at the time. Terrified, I grabbed them and we all ran out of the house in our socks. We were so scared. Another day, when he was kicking off, the neighbor actually came to the door and begged me to leave him, saying he's abusing you. I told her he doesn't beat me up, though, and she said that it doesn't matter, it's still abuse. Please leave him for your kids' sake. I remember that day like it was yesterday, and the look on her face and how she was shaking. I still could not see this, though, and just looked at the good in him, which now, looking back, wasn't even good. It was fake. It just felt like that at the time, because I'd been so brainwashed. I was broken down to nothing. He told me I was worthless, thick, and said I'd have nothing without him, that nobody would want me. He'd say look at you, who's gonna want you? And I believed this. The whole of 2021, I planned to leave him. When he was at work, I would go and speak with my mom and tell her I wanted to leave him. She never knew the extent of it all, though Nobody did. I hid it from absolutely everyone, the whole world. I made out to everyone we were perfect, constantly posting pictures of our happy family life on social media. I think I was trying to make myself believe that's what we were more than anything, but behind the scenes it was far from it. I'm not going to sit and go over every single thing that happened, as I'll be here forever, but this is basically how we lived for almost seven years. I actually don't remember the first red flag. It slowly creeped up on me over the years. It got worse as time went on. 2021 was the worst year, grabbing me and dragging me downstairs, calling me vile names. On the way to put a wrapped up sanitary towel in the bin outside, he made me sleep with no covers. He'd poke the side of my head, calling me thick and stupid. I was quiet. A lot of the time Went along with whatever he wanted, because I had to please him and keep him happy, and he wouldn't kick off at us Once he'd found out I'd been messaging a girl from his work was a mutual friend of my mom's too. He freaked at me saying why the fuck are you talking to my friends Saying they didn't like me and that I'm stupid? I spoke back saying but I speak to her too. She's my mom's friend, remember? He went crazy at me saying I was weird, and then he slammed on the brakes on his van and chucked me out and drove off. The kids were all screaming and crying for me. He stopped further up the road and told me to get back in Me and the kids never breathed a word after that and I never spoke to anyone from his work again. I think he painted a picture of me to them all. That makes me look like the villain to hide his true self and he panicked in case he was exposed. That's the night my two eldest children pleaded with me to leave him. They'd been asking me to leave him for the past two years. They hated him. My three oldest knew they were old enough to know it wasn't right and my eldest was studying domestic violence at school. She said everything they're learning is exactly how we were living. I still didn't think it was as bad as it was. My poor babies had experienced and heard everything for the whole. Seven years After finding out from a mutual friend that James was all over a girl, one night I confronted him and he went absolutely mental, saying it was all lies. He threw a glass at me, it went everywhere and even in the kids shoes. He threw plates and cups. There were scratches on the bottom of the fridge door. There were chunks out of the laminate too. Of course, all the holes got filled and the doors got replaced quickly to hide the evidence. The final straw which made me leave was when he had forced himself on me. As much as I tried so hard to block it out, I had a little voice in the back of my head saying it was wrong. I kept telling myself over and over he wouldn't do that, would he? I just knew it wasn't right. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. He became evil, so evil it makes me feel sick and scared still to this day. What that man is capable of. So in December 2021, I left. I moved in with my parents and that's when it all came pouring out Everything. I was put on anxiety tablets. I was completely broken, scared, worried for my kids, worried what James would do. I was safe at my parents', though, but despite all the abuse, I was still letting the kids go to James every weekend as I thought he's still their dad. It's the right thing to do. But every single time they'd come back from him upset and begging me not to send them back, telling me he screams at them, grills them, asking questions about me, telling them to say your mom's a bitch, your mom doesn't care about you. Telling them not to get in my car because they'll die. The horrible things he was saying to a four and five year old was absolutely disgusting. He didn't want anything to do with my oldest three kids. He discarded them like they were nothing, wanted nothing more to do with them, even though he had been in their life for the past seven years. It didn't get better after I left. I was bullied, threatened. I lost a lot of friends, as they believed his lies, writing horrible things about me on Facebook too. After one day of me moving out and into my mom's, he was with his new girlfriend. They were spotted out the night after I left, grinding on each other. Their behavior was an embarrassment and just showed the mentality of them. I didn't deserve that disrespect. I'd just left my family home with my five children to then find that out. My poor children didn't deserve that either. We had no home, no stuff, and even one of James's female friends hit me in the park in front of all my children, and we had already been through so much. I was told it was a setup. It's obvious it was. He couldn't just leave me alone. I was completely broken. There was nothing else anyone could do to me. I just wanted to scoop all my kids up and run far, far away. I never thought people could be so horrible and nasty. I was accused of all sorts to make him look like the good guy. It was just so horrible. I would not wish what I went through on anyone. After that my kid's point blank did not want to see him at all. So that's when I got police and lawyers involved. I'd had enough. It was the most horrible thing me and the kids have ever went through in our whole life. After the police were involved it was all finally settled down. So I started to feel a bit better. I made new lovely, kind friends who supported me through it all. The courts decided that my two youngest children who are James's have to see him in a supervised facility once a week. James has been charged for a number of offenses. The trial is still pending. It has been almost two years since I left and I am now with a kind, caring man who came into my life just when I needed him. He helped me, supported me and has shown me and my children how it actually feels to be loved and treated correctly. We have our own house together, and my confidence has grown so much I no longer need my anxiety tablets. I've put on weight and am healthier now too. I haven't spoke to anyone outside my circle about all this For months. I lay in my bed breaking my heart, pleading with God to make it all stop. How could somebody do that to another human? But when I met my new partner, it all stopped. Things turned around for me and I was finally happy. I do believe in karma, and I know that everyone who participated in the bullying and making that awful time for me much worse will eventually get theirs. Hayley. Hayley, thank you for sharing your vulnerable story. I know there are a lot of parts to that that many of us can relate to. The fact you found love again and happiness is inspiring and I believe this will resonate with someone. Warriors, please remember that our stories need to be told to help break the cycle of violence. With each account we encourage others and, if the right people are listening, actually progress to changing laws to help advocate for victims. Every episode will help shift society's views and misconceptions of those trapped in domestic violence situations. Thank you for listening today. I will be back next week with another episode. Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website oneandthreepodcastcom. That's the number one, i-n the number three podcastcom. Follow one and three on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at oneandthreepodcast To help me out. Please remember to rate, review and subscribe. One and Three is a.5. Pinoy production music written and performed by Tim Crow.