17-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR: Michele Weldon

Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3. I'm your host, ingrid. The last two episodes highlighted the incredible Tina Turner. Today, i'm bringing you a story of another amazing woman. Michelle Weldon is a writer and did a tremendous job of capturing her story in her book titled I Close My Eyes Hear how this mom of three, despite years of abuse, was able to heal and build a stable life for she and her family. Before I begin, i want to emphasize Michelle is a professional writer. She has authored seven books and has written multiple articles, some of which are based on interviews with influential individuals. I'm going to be completely honest and admit I will not be able to articulate her story as well as she did. If you are looking for a good book that flows well and is difficult to put down, please look for I Close My Eyes. Keep in mind it is a true count of her story and while she is not terribly graphic, detailing the abuse, it can be quite triggering. Personally, i had to take some breaks and settle myself in some parts of the book. For me, it was the emotional similarities that pulled me in. That being said, here's Michelle's story. Michelle knew her husband before, well before he was her husband. They had gone to high school together and bumped into each other years later. There were a lot of similarities between them, their upbringings and their families. They were both Catholic, both had parents who were nurturing and still married. Each had long-term goals and were driven to meet those goals. He was handsome, kind, attentive, intelligent and charismatic. It was 1983 and they were in their 20s when they began dating. As Michelle spent more time with him, she kept thinking this guy is too good to be true. In addition to everything else, he was a good kisser, even a good dancer. They met each other's families and attended parties together. They watched football, watched movies. He asked questions. He wanted to know everything about her. He revealed everything about himself, including details of how his last girlfriend was crazy and hit him. Michelle didn't dwell on this fact. She only noted how horrible that must have been. Michelle's job was taking her from Chicago to Dallas. They were at the point in the relationship where it was serious, but was it serious enough to ask him to move with her? Apparently, it was Telling his family he couldn't live without Michelle. He also made the move. They found separate apartments and Michelle set to work, worrying if he would ever end up resenting her for this move. They spent a lot of time together, as most new couples do. When they weren't together, he would call her friends to find out where she was and how long she would be. He began to make small jabs about her family and friends, comments about how her parents doded over her or how they put too much pressure on the relationship. A year after they met, he proposed They immediately began planning the wedding. Then he called it off. He simply said he wasn't ready yet. He eventually did come back around and they recited their vows on August 23, 1986. Michelle gave him a gold wedding band with an inscription. He lost that along with the second gold band with an inscription. He hit Michelle for the first time on their first New Year's Eve as a married couple. He shoved her in the chest as she tumbled backward and fell. He was immediately remorseful and tearful and they chalked it up to too many drinks. He slapped her five months later. Michelle became pregnant in 1988. Once the pregnancy was confirmed, he immediately commented that Michelle's mother would now take control of their lives. Five months into the pregnancy he punched her in the face. There was a two-year break before he gave her a black eye in 1990. He bit her arm in front of their two-year-old and nine-month-old in 1991. Throughout the years and after the multiple instances of abuse, michelle and her husband were engaged in therapy. She believed he understood he needed to change and that he wanted to. Otherwise why would he be going? She would leave sessions with the intent to change herself. She needed to find a way to alleviate his stress. The physical violence wasn't all of it. He would call her a loser or a stupid wife. He would say hateful things to her about her and present a beautiful toast to her. A minute later, nearing the end of the marriage, he created a separate bank account and stopped depositing into the joint account. He decided he would manage the money. From that time forward, michelle would be forced to charge groceries to a credit card and even pawned jewelry from her late father to cover preschool tuition. Catholicism having the same religious beliefs that was one of the characteristics that initially drew Michelle to her husband. He would pray before meals, he attended mass and even volunteered within the church. Never would Michelle have known that in January of 1995 she would hear her husband pray to end her life. Please God, let me kill her. On July 1st 1995, michelle, her husband and their three young boys were staying at his parents' house. They argued in their bedroom after Michelle mentioned she didn't like the derogatory sexual comments he made about her to his brothers. She immediately recognized his body movements as he jumped up from the bed and quickly made his way toward her, as in all the times before she closed her eyes. But this time her inner voice said this would be the last time. He punched her in the jaw and at some point between that and falling to the floor hitting her head on the way down, michelle screamed. His parents came running in. Now the secret she had been holding for years was out. That night she slept in the room with her boys. The next morning their four-year-olds asked Michelle if daddy hit her. The family of five drove back home. On July 4th Michelle took the youngest boy to her sister's house for a party. She told her sisters what happened. After taking the two older boys to a movie, michelle's husband also went to her sister's house. He laughed and ate and carried on like nothing happened. On July 7th Michelle, one of her sisters and her attorney went to domestic violence court where she was awarded an order of no contact. It was a roller coaster from then through the divorce which was granted on April 25th 1996. She was given complete custody of the boys. With the assistance of the domestic violence shelter, counseling, friends and family support, michelle was able to find a suitable home for them. She created a stable, consistent life full of love for her boys. As always, michelle's story has similarities to many we have already heard. Like I mentioned earlier, there were instances in reading her book where I felt especially pulled in. One example of this also describes the title of the book. She would close her eyes when she knew she was about to get hit. But she similarly closed her eyes to admitting what was happening to her. She didn't want to acknowledge her husband was abusing her because she couldn't accept that she was a battered wife. How many of us have done the same or something similar? Perhaps you have a background in domestic violence advocacy or have at least received some domestic violence training. In that instance you probably would believe you know better and would never find yourself in an abusive relationship. Maybe the abuse is just subtle enough and the gaslighting just sufficient enough to make you question whether abuse is even occurring If you don't have bruises, swollen lips, black eyes or broken bones, is it really abuse If it only happens when they're stressed, drunk or high? does that really count? Recognizing your partner as abusive could also force you to concede you are potentially exposing your children to toxic or dangerous circumstances. Maybe you know exactly what is happening, but you feel too ashamed or even too exhausted to admit it. Let me tell you. A colleague of mine suggested I see a specific therapist to talk about my situation. I declined because I knew it would give me the push I needed to leave and I wasn't ready to do that. Yet Explaining your abuser's behavior away also takes the blame away from you for staying. But guess what? No matter how long you endure the abuse, no matter how long you stay, none of it is your fault. Anyway, i know I need to say that again. None of it is your fault. None of it. Michelle also described how she understood what happened to her wasn't okay, but she was hopeful things would change. The abuse wasn't constant. It was always followed by remorse and positive change in behavior. She described how there was even an approximate two-year stretch where he didn't lay a hand on her. She believed he was improving, that the therapy was working. This is so typical in these types of relationships. If it was all abuse all the time, no one would stay. Abusers abuse just enough, apologize just enough, love bomb just enough to keep their victims guessing, questioning their own sanity, hoping, wishing and holding on for the good times to come back, changing their own behavior to find that kind person they first fell in love with Guys. That person never existed. Michelle details how, after she left and after the divorce was finalized, she cried every time she was in the car and sometimes her boys noticed Reading that part was liberating in a weird way. It can be so exhausting. To forge ahead and stay strong And the thing is getting out doesn't mean the fight is over. For many there are ongoing custody disputes, non-payment of child support, constant back and forth with advocates and courtrooms To stay strong all the time can be overwhelming. Sometimes you want to sit down and just cry. So do it. Michelle mentioned thinking at times that it would have been easier to have stayed. The abuse didn't happen all the time, and wouldn't it take some of the pressure off to have a partner to lean on? I'm pretty sure that's a common thought as well. But remember you didn't have a supportive partner to begin with. You may be wondering why I keep telling these stories week after week. Is it an obsession of mine? If you have been consistently listening, you recognize this. Constant Victims endure a lot. Maybe hearing these stories each week will give someone the strength to leave. Maybe recognizing others have gone through the same thing will erase some of the shame. There's a unique breaking point for each person. That breaking point may take longer for some, may be more hurtful or damaging, but it is completely individualized. Only you know when enough is enough, and you may not even know what enough is until it happens. There's a clear moment when, from within the depths of your being, a voice will whisper or shout no more, i'm done. That was the last time. One thing we can always count on, as Michelle wrote in her book quote sometime long ago he forgot I was strong. Don't let that be something you forget. Your strength is there, that inner fighter, that warrior. Thank you, jessica, for suggesting Heart Like a Truck by Lainey Wilson. It has been added to the 1-3 Spotify playlist. I'm going to be taking the next two weeks off to spend time with family and friends for the holidays. I will be back on July 12th with another story for you. Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1and3podcastcom. That's the number 1, i-n the number 3, podcastcom. Follow 1and3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1and3podcast. To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe. 1and3 is a.5 Pinoy production music written and performed by Tim Crow.