14-Parental Alienation: Pamela Richardson

Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3. I'm your host, ingrid. Today I'm covering a topic I have been anticipating since beginning this podcast. Parental Alienation is a real and horrific nightmare for many. Pamela Richardson was courageous enough to document her personal experience in a book A Kidnapped Mind. Before you listen, please note this episode includes details of suicide. This is Pamela's story. It was nearing Christmas in 2000 in Vancouver, canada. Pamela Richardson was on her way home with her two youngest boys when the three noticed her oldest son, 16-year-old Dash, in the parking lot of a liquor store. He was smiling and talking with a friend. Her young boys asked her to stop so they could see their older half-brother. She declined, explaining it would be too dangerous with a snowy weather. Glancing again at her child, she slowly drove away. She later sent Dash a Christmas card. While she, her husband Dave and their two boys packed and made their annual trip to Whistler, dash's relationship with his father, peter, was finally cracking. On the exterior, the two always projected a strong, mutually loving and respectful bond, but lately, in his 180-pound man-sized frame, dash was defiant. He and Peter would often argue and even become physically aggressive with each other. Following these battles, dash would leave, spending days away. He would sleep in cars or crash at friends' houses. This became such a common occurrence Peter wouldn't bother looking for Dash until days following his absence. Christmas break was no exception. Following one of their notorious arguments, dash left the house. On New Year's Eve He went to a party and was noted to be sitting alone, sober and solemnly looking down at his lap. He told one kid I got nothing for Christmas, my dad kicked me out and I have nowhere to go. Dash and others left when police were called to kick out anyone who had not been invited. He eventually went home. The facts of what happened when Dash and Peter faced each other again that night are unknown. What is known is Peter had a black eye for days afterward. Dash left the house again sometime in the early hours wearing pajama bottoms, two pairs of sweatpants, a t-shirt, four shirts, a sweatshirt, a jacket and a purple toke. He walked along Granville Street Bridge. When he was above Granville Market, dash took off his toke and laid it down. He slowly climbed the handrail of the bridge. The 16-year-old boy opened his arms and threw himself off. Let's pause here for a moment and talk about Parental Alienation Syndrome. I need to begin by pointing out there is a slight difference between Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation. Parental Alienation Syndrome as a syndrome takes on the belief it is a diagnosable condition. However, parental Alienation Syndrome is not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, american Psychology Association and American Medical Association. Due to the lack of supporting evidence, it is not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or the International Classification of Diseases. There is also a vast concern over using the term in legal proceedings. Parental Alienation Syndrome is a term identified by American psychiatrist Richard Gardner in 1985. He coined the term describing children who were impacted by parental alienation. He described Parental Alienation Syndrome as a disorder in which one parent brainwashes a child to disrupt their relationship with the other parent. The brainwashing or programming parent twists memories and situations to make the target parent look bad. He or she may also victimize themself. For example, the programming parent may suggest he or she cannot take the child to extracurricular activities because the target parent was awarded more parenting time. The child in turn begins to believe the target parent is unfair or controlling and reacts by alienating that parent. It is important to know that in Gardner's definition, the alienated parent is in fact innocent. There can be no history of any form of abuse or neglect from that parent. Parental alienation is, in fact, almost identical in Gardner's definition of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Dr Gardner, with his medical background, used the term syndrome. A syndrome, by definition, requires a cluster of related symptoms. It is in this specificity that makes his terminology difficult. It also requires diagnosing the child with a disorder. Parental alienation places everything on the programming parent. Parental alienation refers to when a child rejects, alienates, hates and or becomes hostile toward the target parent. In direct relation to the programming parent's actions, it is apparent when the child uses the same language as a programming parent has unjustified or irrational beliefs of the target parent and the reasoning is not from actual personal experiences of the child but from what has been taught or told to them. Parental alienation not only ruins the relationship with the target parent but can also lead to inability to form healthy relationships in the future, lower self-esteem, anxiety, depression, lack of impulse control and other behavioral issues, and or a decline in scholastic performance. The World Health Organization recognizes these facts, along with a lack of evidence-based health care interventions available for parental alienation. The World Health Organization does take the stance that parental alienation can be an issue in judicial contexts. In summary, parental alienation's syndrome is not recognized as a diagnosable condition. However, parental alienation certainly does occur and is acknowledged in the judicial system. Now let's get back to our story. Pamela met and fell in love with Peter Hart in 1981. They were married and had a son they named Dashel, shortened to Dash. Peter was an attorney and initially the relationship was good, but alcohol became an issue. So did Peter's temper and lashing out. After years of emotional and psychological abuse, pamela filed for divorce. The divorce became ugly. Peter had attempted to manipulate finances and ownership of property, which backfired. He was caught and he blamed his consequences on Pamela From there forward, but actually, in all honesty, probably from the get-go, peter focused on ruining any part of Pamela he could. Again, the setting of this case is in Canada in the early 1990s, and at that time the judicial system could and would award joint custody in divorce cases, but would also take different circumstances into consideration. Often times, sole guardianship would be given to one parent. In the case of Peter and Pamela, that's exactly what happened. The judge was concerned with a volatile relationship between the two and, at the advice of a child psychologist, leaned toward giving sole guardianship to one parent. He felt this would alleviate any potential stress on Dash. Because Peter was an attorney. He was well versed on the vocabulary and the story the court system would need to hear to grant the guardianship to him, And that's what happened. Pamela was, however, supposed to get equal parenting time. Following the court's decision, peter did not waste any time. He started with Dash's school. Pamela would often volunteer And Peter did not like the extra time she would get as a result, so he contacted the school. He informed the school that, as sole guardian, he wanted her volunteer status to be revoked. In addition, he did not want any communication to happen between her and the school whatsoever. He did the same with medical professionals. He informed Dash's primary care provider, the dentist, the psychologist or any other professional that they were not to provide Pamela with any updates or information. Everything was to go through him. As Pamela adjusted to these decisions, peter began to manipulate her time with Dash. He signed their sunup for sports, in which he was the coach. Pamela's Friday nights were taken away as Peter would suggest team sleepovers each night before their games. He would tell Dash it would be better for them to show up together to the games. Pamela also lost time during the week for practices. She did not settle for these decisions and pushed back. She continued to appeal to the court's decisions and asked for joint guardianship. Peter jumped on this opportunity. He would explain to Dash that his mother's actions were disrupting their lifestyle. Over time Dash began to resent his own mother for fighting to see him more often. This cycle continued throughout the next decade of Dash's life. Peter slowly took Pamela's time away and systematically blamed her for any interruption in his life. Eventually Dash's behavior worsened. He would get into trouble at school. He was inappropriate with classmates. His grades suffered tremendously. Pamela continued to fight for her son. She found Dr Gardner's research on parental alienation syndrome. She attempted to get Dash the psychological and educational support he needed. Each time she made some progress, peter would destroy her efforts. She followed the advice of child psychologists and her legal team but began to feel defeated. Eventually, dash's outlook on everything mirrored those of his father. The police called Pamela on their way to her house. They had Dash with them. He was taken along with a friend as they were found smoking a joint on the roof of a house under construction. Dash was brought to Pamela's house at the recommendation of the friend's mother, as Dash's dad was not home. They didn't come peacefully and was placed in handcuffs. The cuffs were removed before the police and Dash walked up the drive. They had decided not to press charges nor take him to the police station because they believed even one night in juvenile detention significantly changed a kid. They left Dash with his mother. After finally reaching Peter, dash pointedly told her I won't stay with you, i want to go home. Once later, pamela whispered goodbye as her son climbed into her father's car. There was no response from Dash. Following the day Dash was brought to her house, pamela was once again in the courts advocating for her son. She brought Allison, the child's advocate, with her. As in times past, she had documentation and a strong case. However, the judge wanted she and Peter to work together and come to an agreement. Just prior to all of this happening, pamela was temporarily given sole guardianship, which the judge now took away. He granted joint guardianship. He ordered Dash to go under psychoeducational testing by an individual both parents agreed upon. Peter singularly chose an individual to conduct only an educational assessment. Despite noticing some awkward interactions and discussing Dash's case thoroughly with Pamela, this individual chose to only concentrate on Dash's dyslexia and attention deficit disorder and not address his underlining emotional concerns. They unsuccessfully tried to get Dash into a school in New York which attended to learning disabilities. From there forward, pamela desperately searched for a school that would also include counseling for Dash's parental alienation syndrome. She continued diligently with her research into the winter season of 2000. A cyclist witnessed a body falling from the Granville Street Bridge at 4 am on January 1, 2001. The police officer who first arrived was able to determine this was clearly suicide. No alcohol or other substances were found in Dash's system. He fell silently. Peter didn't look for Dash until January 3rd, which was the same day Pamela and her family returned home from Whistler. She was informed of her son's death at 2 pm that day when Peter's attorney called and coldly informed her. The days, weeks, months and years following Dash's death left a clear hole in the lives of his friends and family. When Peter Hart did not appear in court and did not answer multiple phone calls in August 2004, someone was sent to his home to check on him. The 61-year-old was found deceased for what appeared to have been at least one week. Pamela experienced guilt, anger and all the expected reactions. During her roller coaster of emotions she settled on controlled anger and attempting peace. Her journey throughout the court system and seeking professional assistance is well documented in her book. Clearly, poor choices for Dash were decided by his father and legal professionals. But did Pamela make the right choices? Was there anything she could have done or should have done differently? What if Things were different in the 90s? More education regarding mental health, domestic abuse and, specifically, parental alienation is now available. That doesn't mean more work isn't necessary. I believe that's why this book was written. There are many points throughout this story that are important to realize. One is the financial resources and time Pamela had to pursue her case. We need to recognize that for many individuals following what is frequently a drawn-out legal battle, money is often tight, if not non-existent. Others may not be able to push for multiple appeals In the same respect. Despite Pamela's persistence, her pleas were not upheld. Parental alienation is just one element of domestic abuse, devastating as it may be. Regarding parental alienation and domestic abuse as a whole, we can only keep pursuing justice, keep lobbying for change, for more education, for more resources, keep making our voices heard and hopes the right person or people listen. Keep supporting each other and those who are struggling. If you want to learn more about Pamela and Dasha's story, you can pick up her book A Kidnapped Mind. I have included additional sources used for this episode in the show notes. I will be back next week with another story for you. Until then, remember it isn't your fault. There is hope and you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1and3podcastcom. That's the number 1, i-n the number 3, podcastcom. Follow 1and3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1and3podcast. To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe. 1and3 is a.5 Pinoy production music written and performed by Tim Crow.