11-Domestic Abuse SURVIVOR: An Anonymous Submission; Part 2/3

Hi, warriors, you are listening to 1 in 3 and I'm your host, ingrid. Last week I brought you part 1 of a story that was previously shared on my other podcast, another Situation. If you haven't listened to it yet, i suggest you do so, because today is part 2. Again, this is told from a first person point of view and the author is anonymous, so I'll just sort of recap Part 1, we start learning about their relationship and she had noticed a few red flags at first, and those are becoming a little bit more apparent. Okay, here's part 2. I later found out he started a 7 month relationship with a friend I had introduced him to. He sucked her in like he did me, convinced her we had broken up, convinced her to hide the relationship from me because I was crazy and he was worried about what I might do to her if I found out they were together. She told me it felt off, but she was going through a terrible situation with her ex and was in a bad place mentally and chose to believe him and go with it. He gave her attention and love. She and I have actually patched things up, shared stories and she has become one of my biggest supporters through recovery from this mess. That entire fall was what I described as push pull. He would pull me in, get me hooked, then push me away again. His excuse always He loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but was so scared I couldn't be the partner he wanted me to be. So I would jump up, try to fix myself and change to become the partner he wanted. He would allow me back in for a time and just when I thought all was great again, he would tell me the same thing again, but I was doing what he wanted. Now he wanted something different. I was so confused I was trying so hard giving 150% to try to figure out what he wanted, but once I did, it was like his expectations would change. I thought it was me. He convinced me to start therapy, which I did, going in saying I need help, being a better partner and growing and changing. And he also convinced me to start antidepressants. I do not feel like I needed them, but being in healthcare, i knew what to say to get them prescribed. He would occasionally ask if I was taking my meds and gave me tips about increasing the dose when he felt I should Wait.

I'm sorry what.

Uh huh.

No, i know. You don't just No, tell someone to increase their meds. I know, okay, sorry.

It didn't seem right, but I loved him. After all, why would someone who loves you so much want anything but the best for you? He had a work trip around that time that I was going to attend with him. I got my parents to watch my kids. I packed up. my parents packed up and came to my house with a week's worth of dinners made. I had a schedule written out for the kids and their activities carpools and school activities lined up. My parents arrived, i sent the kids off to school and drove to his house, all for him to tell me he changed his mind and he was going to go alone. What?

Wow, wow, same day.

Yeah, he says his parents drove up at the house. She has everything ready to go. She drives over for them to leave on their trip and he said he's going alone. He said he has realized I don't give him enough love and attention and can't ever be the partner he wants, that the kids won't all jive together and he doesn't want to go away for a week because he knows it will make him love me and want me more, so he needs to go alone. I cried and begged. my parents were already there. what was I going to tell them? After hours of a circular argument, mainly him lecturing and me begging and crying, he left alone. He promised me he would think about it on the drive there and then decide if he wanted me to come later. Later came and he started texting me like all was normal and he was supposed to be there alone, telling me about his evening, how much he missed me, etc. I asked if he wanted me to come then, because I would really like to be there too, and his response not now. I was going to ask you to come, but since you were being so pushy about it now you can't. After that he literally How convenient, yeah. After that he literally went silent. He refused to answer my calls, texts or any other form of communication for the next few days. I was beside myself. What had I done? He came back into town and started texting like nothing ever happened. He was silent treatment of narcissism.

So I wonder if that's exactly what he did to his ex-wife when he said that she'd come over begging and all that stuff, like he would lead her on and then, you know, drop a ball.

Yeah, I mean like what did you say? Repetitive behavior? I don't know what I said. November came and my friends were getting married out of state and my kids were in the wedding. He was set to come with me. In the weeks leading up to the trip he would change his mind about going several times. I would beg and plead for him to please come, and then he would give in and say he was coming, only to change his mind again several days later. He was set to fly up after work and I was driving. He never got on his flight. He told me he had a headache and wasn't coming. I was devastated. I can understand a headache, but I had never known him to have a headache before. This was supposed to be a nice weekend with all of us. I had even changed from a hotel to a multiple room cabin because he was coming. We still tracked each other's location and that night I noticed he was out at a bar. Just a couple hours later I also noticed a run come up on his garment up For someone with a headache. He was out running and at a bar. Less than two hours after he told me he wasn't coming. I was livid. The next morning. I called him and poured into him What were you doing? Why did you lie to me? I'm here alone and you're out running and going to bars, His response I was going to fly up this morning, but now I'm not, because of how you just handled that situation. You just called me up and immediately started yelling at me. You didn't even give me a chance to explain, so now I'm not coming Again turning it on to me How I handled it. That is something that would happen over and over with anything I brought up. I finally stopped bringing up any concerns or issues because it would eventually be turned on to me after hours of circular, going nowhere conversations. If I brought an issue up immediately after I found out about it, it would be this is not the right time. You need to sit down and ask to speak with me. So then I would try the next time and wait. Can we sit down and talk about something? Once he said yes, or gave me permission, as he liked to say when I brought up my issues, it would be shot down saying it must not have bothered me that much because I waited to bring it up. If I really cared, I would have brought it up. When I noticed it, He even said this for cheating. This would again lead to hours of circular conversations, with him on the lecture stand and me on the defensive. I would end up apologizing, begging and pleading and promising to change. Whenever I went out with my friends to dinner, he would blow up my phone. It usually started as a nice and sweet conversation but then would progress into an argument over something I had done. He wanted me to answer immediately and if I didn't, he would blow it up, call me and ask me why I'm not paying attention to him, saying he felt alone and at the bottom of my totem pole when he should be at the top. This was a great way for him to condition me to stop hanging out with friends, which I pretty much did. I dreaded making plans with him, would hold off until the last minute to say yes or no and try to make plans and hide it from him. Overall, I started declining most invites from my friends. One time when he blew up my phone all dinner long, I finally silenced it and put it on the table. My friends, who have known me since I was five, were livid. They were telling me he has a control issue. And why am I allowing him to do that to me? I was visibly upset over it. Anxious because I knew he would be angry later and I would have to deal with his anger, and anxious because now my friends were in on the secret I had been hiding. Later, after he raged at me over it, I apologized as usual and promised to pay more attention next time I'm out. Later he saw a text on my phone from one friend saying how controlling he was at dinner and I should consider breaking up with him if that's how he is. Overall. He was enraged again. My friends are a bunch of bitches and cunts for saying that, And the only reason they did that is because I allowed them to see his texts instead of walking away from the table and answering his messages and calls and hiding it from them. Um what?

You don't hide that from your friends. Like, why should you have to hide your boyfriend's behavior from your?

friends. Right. If you have to hide someone's behavior, then it's bad behavior, right exactly. I broke the sanctity of the relationship. I did not keep our secrets. Then the lecture and circular conversation ensued and I ended up apologizing and promising never to do it again. The first time I actually found out he was cheating on me, i was devastated. Did you hear those words? The first time I later found out, it was not the first time he cheated, but the first time I caught him. We were at an amusement park on a day-date without our kids, and he sent a picture of us to the kids. One of his kids answered back what happened to her? I had already been questioning him about her because I had noticed them liking and loving and commenting on each other's Facebook recently. I immediately answered what do you mean? And the kid said we were all at a pool party with her last weekend. We talked and he told me he was so hurt that I was busy, didn't seem to have enough attention for him, wouldn't send him enough emojis, yes, emojis, and that crying, face-slapping emoji, rolling on the floor emoji.

Devil horns.

Devil horns, rolling eyes, okay, and that he had been telling me this for months so he had to seek it out elsewhere. He said he was going to take time to think about what he wanted and if he wanted to be with me or her, i should have walked away, but I didn't. I was scared. It freaked me out. I loved him and had put so much into this relationship already, and I begged for him to choose me. Looking back, i see how manipulated and brainwashed I was already Begging a man to choose you. I cried for two days while he decided who he wanted to be with. He came back and told me I love you, i want to be with you, i want no one else. You are my soulmate, but I am either going to move in with you and get married or move on with her.

That is one heck of an ultimatum. and what in the world I know?

Oh, this guy's a piece of poop, poop, emoji, poop. Listen, we are not making light of this situation Good God. No, it's a very dark situation and it's definitely clearly abused. We're just. I mean it's kind of ridiculous. The emoji thing, absolutely Yes.

And she was. She nailed it when she said she was totally brainwashed and manipulated. Like he's done a very good job of doing that to her.

Well, and he took his time doing it. It wasn't it wasn't like he started the relationship with this kind of behavior.

Right, right, exactly, lord Aaron Yeah.

Again I panicked. I said, okay, let's move in. And we bought a house together. Yes, i bought a house to fix his cheating. I just I feel so bad for her. Once we bought the house, the discussion of what to do with our other homes came up. He was going to sell his house and wanted me to sell mine. I knew I was not in a position to purchase a home on my own later in my current neighborhood if things didn't work out. I told him just that that I wanted to rent my home out. It would make us a little extra income as well to have it in case something happened. I'm a single mom with three boys to think about And if things didn't work out after all 70% of second marriages and in divorce I would have my home to move back into. His response Then we aren't going to be together at all. I don't want to make it easy for you to leave. That gives you an easy out. Maybe some could see it like that, but I felt I was being realistic and thinking of my children and their needs. I didn't want to have them move across town or into an apartment if things did not work out eventually, which would be the case if I did not keep my home and rent it, he said then we aren't going to be together. He will pursue the other relationship. Since she was still texting him, i panicked again Okay, i will sell my house. My gut was screaming No. But then I thought it was me, always me. He told me it was me, he would take care of me. If only I could marry him, move in and be a family. Before I could ever move in or sell my home, i found out he had cheated in the past, prior to what I knew about. And then he cheated on me again. I never moved in. We sold the house a year later but stayed together. He would eventually cheat on me seven times than I know of. His kids were always involved in the cheating. They would hang out with myself. That's even worse. He would involve his kids with it. Awful, yeah, listen to this. They would hang out with myself and my kids one day, then the other women and her kids the next. How many secrets did he have to ask those poor kids to keep?

And they're not going to know what a good relationship looks like. They're going to think it looks like that The hope is that their mom is a strong influence and a strong person.

True, true, he's currently with a seventh woman he cheated on me with. When I look back at a calendar from a year or two on, right after his ex-wife started dating again, he almost always had a woman in the background in some form or another. A couple he said weren't cheating because it was just texting and running and working out. yet he hid them from me for months, while he got out of bed with me in the morning to meet her for a run or spin class. What did?

you say earlier, if you have to hide the behavior, that's wrong behavior. Right, because that could be an innocent thing in the right relationship.

Right, that you could share with your partner. This is my workout partner. Right, we're going for a run together.

We're going to spin class together.

Right, i'm in a stable, strong relationship. She is or isn't, but she knows that my relationship is strong.

Exactly, there's trust flowing back and forth.

He gave me two STDs.

I do. One thing I also hope is that what you hear from this woman's circumstance is that it will help you identify some of those red flags and behaviors that should be concerning and you should 100% pay attention to.

Okay, we will pause here. I want to say a quick thank you to Ashley for sharing the song Narcissist by Avery Anna. I have added it to the one and three podcast playlist. We have quite the list now, so make sure you go check it out on Spotify. Please send me any music you would like to add to it. Okay, so next week I will share part three, which is the conclusion of this anonymous story. Until then, have each other's back and always remember there is hope and you are not alone. For more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website oneandthreepodcastcom. That's the number one, i-n the number three podcastcom. Follow one and three on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at oneandthreepodcast To help me out. Please remember to rate, review and subscribe. One and three is a.5 Pinoy production Written and performed by Tim Crow.