10-Domestic Abuse SURVIVOR: An Anonymous Submission; Part 1/3

Hi Warriors, welcome to 1-3. I'm your host, ingrid. Today I'm bringing you a story that was submitted anonymously. My sister, jessica, and I previously shared this episode on our other podcast, another Situation for Domestic Violence Awareness Month last October. I wanted to bring it over to 1-3 because it is told well. The author clearly depicts how sneaky abusers are and points out red flags she now realizes she let slide by. She chose to have the story read from a first-person perspective, which is exactly what I did. With her permission, this is part one I had recently separated from my husband of 13 years, the father of my three children. He suffered from anxiety and depression, which put a strain on our relationship, but despite his struggles with mental illness, he was always a kind, compassionate, loving and present dad to his boys. A few months later, i was invited to go on a bike ride by a friend and met him. We knew each other prior but had never really spoken before. We both arrived to the meeting place first, before our mutual friends, and immediately headed off. He was married as far as I knew, but within the first five minutes he told me he was in the process of getting divorced. We spent the entire ride several hours together, stopping to chat at water breaks and pauses in the ride. I thought he was amazing. He was charming, good-looking, funny, athletic, smart, loved the same things as me, had a great career and was also in the military. I never thought someone like him would be interested in me. I had recently separated, had not dated or even been interested in dating. I was focusing on myself and my three kids and learning to be a single mom while dealing with a divorce from a man who was begging for another chance at our marriage. After the ride, he started reaching out to me via text. Soon friended me on Snapchat and Facebook and Instagram and was soon liking my posts and commenting, frequently, giving me attention. A couple weeks later, he asked to meet for a drink. It moved fast from there. He showered me with compliments. I was amazing, his soulmate. We were destined to be together. He has never met anyone like me before. He would talk about times where we had been present at the same race or location and would say how he saw me there and just knew we were meant to be. It was all so perfect. He was perfect, too perfect. I learned that he was still living with his ex-wife Red flag number one that I ignored. He told me they were living in separate rooms but had been separated for several months and it was because they were trying to divide everything up and he would be looking for a place to live soon. At first he told me she was on board with a divorce and knew we were seeing each other, but then he changed tunes to say she was not ready, did not want it and was crazy. He basically asked me to keep the relationship secret from her and the world His kids would make comments about. Mom said Red flag number two. The relationship progressed fast. My family knew all about us. He was included in all events, holidays and functions. I had met his kids and was regularly spending time with them, but hadn't even met his extended family, parents, etc. I wanted to be part of their lives as well. After all, these were the people he loved the most and I loved him. His parents lived locally and his sister came to visit. I asked to meet her and spend time with her and his parents. He told me he so badly wanted me to. However, they refused. They were not accepting of me because of lies his crazy ex-wife had told them about me. I told him I would gladly meet with his ex-wife as well, as she knew me prior to him being in the picture and we had all talked before He told me she refused. He started to tell me other terrible things she said about me to him, his kids and his family. He constantly told me how, once his family met me, they would love me, that I was so much better than his ex, i was nice, fun, so much like him, and that I just needed to give them time to process the divorce. I'm ashamed to admit it now, but when he compared me to his ex, it always made me feel good about myself That I was better, prettier, skinnier, more athletic, smarter, had a career I was passionate about. I was independent, a better mom, i was perfect for him, i was real, i was in about material things, the sex was so much better. I now realize what a red flag this was and that this is all part of grooming for narcissistic abuse. He was always complimenting me on how I was independent, how I had a career. I was always busy as opposed to lazy, that I was an amazing mom. These are the things he would come to use against me to tear me down and attack me later down the road He was grooming me. Like I said, the relationship moved quick. We started traveling together. It was bliss. He was perfect and amazing. He asked me not to post pics of us traveling together on social media. I picked up bits and pieces of him lying to his ex about where he was going and why. The first time he said he was on a military trip, the second he was on a work trip, and on and on. He said it was to keep her from freaking out. Her friends started contacting me saying he was cheating on her, that I was a terrible person for dating a married man. I questioned him. His excuse That she was crazy, all about her image portraying perfection, codependent, embarrassed to tell her friends she was getting divorced. And they didn't even know Her closest friends, the ones she had a standing Y night with once a week, didn't know their best friend was getting divorced. What? Yet I believed him. Wow, his life is so hard trying to deal with this crazy ex and her friends. Why won't they leave us alone? What terrible people they are, poor him. No wonder he's getting divorced. He would tell me about texts and phone calls and her showing up at his door, which he had moved out by this time, begging for him to take her back. All these things brought me closer to him, made me cling to him, hold on even tighter. After all, i didn't want to lose this amazing man to a soon-to-be ex-wife. The red flags started trickling in, but I brushed them off. We were on a race trip and ran into a man on the plane that I was friends with on social media, who said hi to me and called me by name. We got back to our seat and suddenly the anger was turned on. Who is that and how does he know you? I tried to explain. Just a friend from racing I knew. He asked to see any conversations between us, then picked it apart, saying I had been flirting months ago, before he and I even met. When I spoke to him back and forth a few times via messenger, i had not been flirting, or at least had not meant it that way. He crossed his arms and pouted. That's the best way to describe what he did Pout and anger. I was confused. Why was he so angry? I was never interested in this guy. I'm with him, but I apologized. I guess I was flirting. It was before you, i'm sorry. He made me in friend and blocked the guy on social media, he was happy again. We were back in love. I started seeing small bits of anger trickle out with strangers, waiters etc. Or when he felt he was right, especially on social media discussions, which was quite often. I saw him lose his temper with his ex-wife but of course she deserved it. I saw him lose his temper with his sister about silly things that had happened years ago in childhood. He was so jealous because he felt his sister was treated better than him by his parents. I could see it, yet she would never admit it. I noticed he was short with his kids, but they were difficult personalities and he parented different than I did. I was positive and he was more militant. It's just how he is. I'll do me and he can do him. The first time I saw him lash out at one of his kids scared the hell out of me. He was never truly physically abusive, but he used his anger voice and demeanor to intimidate them. Now I know that this is abuse. It is verbal and emotional abuse. His son had sensory issues and a short temper as well, and we get upset by noises or change. I can't remember exactly what it was about, but the child got angry and started having a meltdown. He grabbed his then five or six year old by both arms and got right into his face screaming at him to stop. I could see the fear on the child's face. It scared me. It didn't make sense. How is this going to help him? When I pointed it out, he agreed. He had a temper with them and he told me how he loved how I parented, with patience and kindness and mutual respect, and he wanted to be more like me. That was at the beginning. Down the road, my parenting became a weapon. He used against me, like everything else he loved about me at first, classic narcissism. He knew it was one of the most important things to me and used it to tear me apart and hurt me. He had no close friends. When we met He had many acquaintances and those friends one step away. He was always talking about these friends, yet I only met a few in passing and it was clear they were mere acquaintances. He also had lots of people he said he did not like. He was constantly saying how he did not like this person or that one. It was always the other person's fault because of something they did to offend him or make him angry. He would see his old friends getting together doing things on social media and get upset and jealous. He wasn't invited. He told me all his friends had chosen his ex-wife over him in the divorce. My heart was broken for him. Later he would tell me that it was my fault that he didn't have any close friends anymore because he had chosen me over them. He would get angry and blame me, saying he had no friends anymore because of me. In December of 2016, the father of my children took his own life. We had never finalized. That is so sad. I know. Okay, i know We had never finalized the divorce. He was so supportive through that time. He helped me with some legal staff and told me he was there for me. He felt needed and offered his help. In so many ways. It brought us closer. That's the perfect scenario for a narcissist to feel needed be needed to support the ego. His soon-to-be ex's wife's birthday was coming up. He told me she wanted him to come celebrate with her and their boys at dinner, but that I was not welcome. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that, as he had been telling me stories for months about terrible things she had said about me and how she wanted to reconcile with him. We actually had a small argument about it, but he said he understood my feelings and agreed not to go. We were tracking each other's locations on phones by that point and he told me I was going to go.

That is not a normal behavior In a relationship. no one thinks that that is okay or a normal behavior unless you put yourself in harm way with your job that you need to have your location on. But that is not a normal behavior for a healthy relationship.

Unless, it's like a parent watching their kids where they are.

Like safety. If it's a safety thing, then, like when I used to go into bad areas of Orlando, I would turn my location on so you could see me in case I didn't come back out. But in a healthy relationship, location services should not be needed. Okay.

Good points. We were tracking each other's locations on phones by that point and he told me he was going to go for a run. I could see on his phone it was still at his home, but something in my gut did not seem right. He was gone for much longer than a regular run. When he got back from his run I noticed no run appeared on his online run tracker, which everyone can see, which was completely out of character for him. He was obsessed with posting his workouts for the world to see. I questioned him. He told me he hadn't uploaded it. That was odd because, as I said, that is completely unlike him. My gut was telling me something wasn't right. I went back and questioned him again. Eventually he admitted he had gone to dinner with his soon-to-be ex-wife and kids and left his phone at home. So I wouldn't know. I immediately broke up with him. He lied and to me that was also a form of cheating. I was stronger than that. I was not the one to put up with that. I walked away. I wish I had never gone back. He called back, begging for forgiveness. He was sorry, he would never do it again. It was all his fault. I took him back. All was well and perfect again. If anything, we were closer now as we bonded over the hatred of his ex-wife. A week later we discussed it again and he changed his tune. He casually and calmly mentioned how, if I wasn't so worried and jealous of his ex, he wouldn't have to hide it because I would have let him go And that there was no reason to be jealous of her. He loved me. I was a soulmate. My gut told me that wasn't right. Yet I questioned myself Hmm, maybe I was overreacting. Maybe it was me. Maybe I should have let him go in the first place and not worried too much. After all, he is with me, not her. He tells me terrible things about her. So what am I worried about? He chose me. If I had just let him go, all would have been okay. I was overreacting. I shouldn't worry so much. I ended up apologizing. Now let's start to what I now know is gaslighting, projection and invalidation three huge signs of narcissism. Despite the red flags, things were still going great. I loved him. He was amazing in so many ways. I just wished he could be a bit more laid back, have less of a temper, more loving to his kids and parent, less militant, but he was so good to me we can't have it all. Right around our second anniversary, things seemed to change. His ex-wife started dating again and he told me she had come to his door and told him he was giving up the hope they would reconcile and was moving on. I was elated. He bought a house on my side of town and planned to move. He had always been what I described as needy. He needed lots of attention, texts, phone calls, time He would say it was his love language. He would text me constantly at work and expect instant answers. He wanted lots of selfies, emojis and memes sent to him showing my love for him throughout the day. I introduced him to a friend who was going through a difficult time so he could help her with some legal matters. We also had one particular argument that came to be held against me and brought up many times in the future. I had soccer practice for my kids and was a team manager. It was the first week of practice and I was stressed about work and getting a team meeting done. He wanted to come up to the fields to hang out. I told him he was welcome, but I had tons of work to do and was stressed out and probably wouldn't be much fun to hang out with. I remember him getting really upset, saying how I didn't give him enough tension and love and it sounds like I don't want to see him at all. I said no, that wasn't the case, that I had work to get done and I couldn't just hang out. But he was welcome to come if you wanted to. He repeated those words like he would so many times in the future Welcome to come if I want. That doesn't sound very welcoming. That sounds like you don't want me there. Why don't you want me there? Is there some soccer dad you were trying to impress What? Where did he get that from? I was sinking At that point I was so angry and hadn't yet become first in narcissism and said fine, then don't come, stay home. That would come back to haunt me many times. Later I got home, we continued to chat and I ended up apologizing I am so sorry. I wanted to see you but was stressed. I should have had you come up. I could have done the work later And I really felt that way. I felt bad for making him feel unwanted and alone. I thought it was resolved. The next morning he brought it up again Who were you hanging out with last night at soccer? He was convinced that I was cheating on him hanging out with someone at soccer practice and hiding it from him. It turned into a very long, all day back and forth discussion I use that term loosely, since it was really him lecturing me and me being on the defensive all day long. One of the first long circular arguments that go round and round with a victim being on the defensive and the abuser being on the offensive and nothing ever being resolved. You literally leave the conversation more confused than when you went in. It was also projection on his part. I found out a year later. That week was when he started to cheat on me. Later he would tell me, or more like threaten me. Remember that time you told me not to come to soccer practice. That's when I decided I was going to start talking to her. I felt so lonely that night. I just wanted you, but you didn't want me and it wasn't right. But I looked elsewhere for the love and attention. I don't ever want to do that again. It's not me, never has been. I hate what you made me do.

A form of Oh wow, Blaming her. No, that's cool Yeah.

Yeah, a form of Descending, uh-huh. And she put in a form of coercion and abuse and threats, uh-huh. I later found out he started a seven month relationship with a friend I had introduced him to. Okay, we are going to pause here for today and I will bring you part two next week. Until then, have each other's back and always remember there is hope and you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1and3podcastcom. That's the number one. I am the number three podcastcom. Follow one and three on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at one and three podcast. To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe. One and three is a point five. Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.